Heaven restores you in life
by ZuXy.Q
Summary: Lily Evans was James Potter's fiancée and was pregnant.She was attacked and she was dead to the world. Two years later she is back, James is married to someone else, her baby is missing and she can't remember a thing about the past two years....
1. Revealing

**Disclaimer:** ** I own nothing you recognise (including hp universe material or alias stuff you recognise)**

**Chapter 1-Revealing **

_Another day, I call and never speak  
and you would say, "nothing's changed at all"  
and I can't feel much hope for anything  
if I won't be there to catch you if you fall_

_(Something's always wrong- Toad the wet sprocket)_

"Miss Evans," the nurse called from the counter. Lily approached with a nervous look on her face.

"Here are the results. Congratulations," she said smiling.

Lily quickly opened the envelope already knowing what would it say, but seeing it made her believe it. She had been so nervous over the past days, but now it was official. She was pregnant for God's sake. James and she hadn't planned on having a baby, but they had discussed the idea before, and it wasn't as if they had disagreed. James loved kids as much as she did. She couldn't wait to tell James about it, this was life changing but exciting. Lily wasn't sure how James was going to deal with the news. He was in Spain right now on a mission. He would be thrilled as she was, she though after a moment. It was just perfect. He was going to go crazy, but happy crazy. He wouldn't get mad or cancel the wedding. She was sure he was going to take the news in a good way. It wasn't as if a baby couldn't fit in their lives right now.

They had been living together for quite some time, and had been engaged since graduating from Hogwarts. Their wedding was to taking place in December. The only thing that bothered her was the fact that James and she were aurors. They had become targets of the dark forces, and it was risky having a baby in times like these. But her baby was going to be protected, and she would never let anything bad happen to him or her.

Lily was too excited and happy to get upset. James and her could discuss this later. A baby was now growing inside of her. Someone who belonged to her and James; the fruit of their love for each other. She was tempted to floo to Danielle's and tell her, but she wanted James to be the first one to know. Danielle was her best friend from school and they were very close, but still James had to know first. So she decided to go shopping. She was feeling in such a good mood. She hadn't been this happy since she had graduated from Hogwarts.

She came back home, and decided to order take out. She didn't feel like cooking just for her. Lily was in the mood for pizza so she ordered it with extra cheese. It would take thirty minutes for the pizza to arrive, so she took out some ice cream and a spoon. She sat to watch a movie. Twenty minutes later there was a loud knock on the door, and she got up and opened.

"Oh wait here, let me get the money," she said and went to the kitchen. She couldn't find her purse, but after scanning the kitchen twice she spotted it above the refrigerator.

"Silly me," she mused and went back to the door, but froze dead in tracks.

The delivery boy was lying dead in her entrance, but that wasn't it. Bellatrix Black was standing just next to him smirking.

"Bellatrix?" she asked confused and started feeling sick. It slowly started to sink in. She had just killed an innocent person, and by the smirk on her face she was planning on doing something similar to her.

"Glad to see you remember me. Long time no see," she said and chills began to crawl up Lily's spine.

She needed her wand, but she couldn't remember where she had placed it. She started to scan the place discretely while trying to appear calm.

"Bellatrix what are you doing here?" she asked, still searching for her wand, but she couldn't spot it anywhere in the living room.

All she could hope for was that someone from the Order would arrive soon. After all, her place had a special charm for the homes of every order member, and when dark magic was performed, an alarm would start in the headquarters.

"Are you looking for this?" she asked taking out Lily's wand. Lily knew she needed to do something, but surprisingly Bella returned her the wand.

"Now it wouldn't be fair would it? If I take you down, I want to do it correctly," she said smugly.

"Never knew you were one to know what's correct and what's not?" Lily replied and tried to mutter a spell but Bella was faster.

"_Crucio."_

Lily was hit by the curse in the chest, and the greatness of the pain couldn't be described. She felt like just falling, but the thought of her baby kept her standing to fight the curse.

Bella was obviously surprised at her resistance, "I see you're still able to fight the curse. I must compliment you. Few people can do that, and you being a filthy mudblood, it just makes it more surprising."

Lily was able to completely resist the curse, and so the duel began. Curses, hexes, and spells were flying all over the living room destroying everything. Both of them were bleeding now, but you couldn't tell who was winning; one looked as terrible as the other. They continued like that for a little while until Bellatrix send her flying across the room, making Lily hit the wall and drop her wand leaving her almost unconscious.

"That'll do mudblood," Bellatrix said tiredly.

"Good for a mudblood but not enough. Maybe some other time in some other life," Bellatrix said.

Lily stood up and sent her flying like Bellatrix had just did. Both were shooting daggers through their eyes at each other.

"I'm getting tired," said Bella standing up and facing Lily once again.

"_AVADA KEDAVRA,_" she shouted, and Lily dodged the curse.

She knew that now Bellatrix was just going to try to kill her, and she didn't just shoot the spell to her once, she did it five more times. Lily had really good reflexes and was able to dodge it each time. Bellatrix was really angry and the smirk had disappeared from her face.

"Care to say your last words?" she asked while stopping to catch her breath, but Lily just laughed out loud.

"This is ridiculous. Maybe some other time when that aiming of yours gets better," She mused, but knew it was her chance to leave.

She started throwing as many spells, curses and jinxes she could muster while getting as near as she could to the door.

"ENOUGH!" a voice roared from the porch. A deep voice reverberated within the space for an eternity of time.

Lily saw Bellatrix's face go blank and she knew it was him. Lily barely had time to turn before she saw was the flash of emerald green light as it rushed towards her, pushing the life out of her and making her fall to the ground.

* * *

Lily woke up agitated. She tried to recognize her room but found her self lost. She got up alarmed and noticed that she was in a hotel. What was she doing here? Why was she wearing these clothes? She noticed a piece of parchment on the table and read a note of her own writing that said _Get Dumbledore here._ Just then her owl came swooping through the window, so she started writing quickly. She described the place as the best she could until she read just next to the table the title of a book that said _New York City: How to Find Your Way Around._ Just next to it was the address and name of the hotel where she was staying. Confusion was the feeling she had right now along with fear. She was scared. 

"Find Dumbledore fast," she said to the owl and looked outside trying to recognize the surroundings, but they were unfamiliar to her. What was she doing in New York of all places?

She couldn't remember clearly what had happened last night. It was like a blur, but it obviously didn't involve New York or a hotel.

She decided to take a bath. After the tub was filled she undressed and got in. She relaxed a bit, she was sure there was an explanation for all of this. After finishing she got out and looked herself at the mirror and noticed a scar in her belly. The thoughts instantly flew to her baby. Her baby! She needed to see a Healer to know if he or she was okay. She needed James now.

Then a sudden flash appeared. She remembered was the struggling against a woman, Bellarix Black. She had broken into her place but that was all. The whole scenario was getting to her nerves, she was impatient. She wished she could just apparate, but she was very troubled to do that. She sat in bed to calm herself for a moment. Hopefully Dumbledore would find her soon. She started to pace around trying to calm herself, but it was useless so she just sat at the bed waiting for someone to come. She heard a pop and there he was.

* * *

There he was looking at her as if it was the first time. He blinked once, and he blinked twice, just to make sure that she really was there sitting just in front of him. This was too much. She looked so scared, so nervous, so changed, so completely different. He couldn't find what it was, but after a moment of fixing his gaze on hers he was able to notice what was wrong. She looked as if someone had taken her innocence away. He had never seen her like this. That spark that used to be in her piercing green eyes was gone. But beyond all that she looked so beautiful and gorgeous to him. Her hair was longer that the last time he had seen her; that auburn hair he had touched so many times. He still remembered how crushed he had been when Dumbledore had told him the news. Although it had been a long time ago, everything was still fresh in his mind as if it just had happened yesterday. 

_A very shocked and angry James Potter entered into the Order's headquarters looking for answers. Nobody had told him anything. He had heard the rumors, but he wanted to hear it from him. Dumbledore never lied. When he entered everybody was assembled there, and so far the panorama wasn't looking good. Lindsay and Jane were with bloodshot eyes. Danielle and Natasha were on the verge of tears. Just a few feet away McGonagall was crying desperately._

"_James, I'm sorry," said Dumbledore with the saddest expression James had seen on his face. He had never seen him looking this sad. _

"_Where is she!" he screamed not wanting to believe it. _

_Everyone looked at him with sympathy. Sirius and Remus approached, both of them had red-rimmed eyes. Sirius hugged James as hard as he could and tears gathered in his eyes. Remus did the same and both looked at James._

"_Where is she!" he yelled once more not wanting to believe it. _

_No, no, no this couldn't be happening; not to him of all people. But when he saw his best friends' looks, truth started to sink in. All the color drained from James' face. He felt completely numb. _

_He practically ran out from the headquarters. He apparated into his parent's home and locked himself into his old bedroom. He leaned back against the wall and sobbed. It was the first time he could remember crying like this since he had been a little boy. Men weren't supposed to cry, not like this. But this was the love of his life. Lily Evans was dead. His fiancée was dead._

Later he had learned that Bellatrix Black had appeared to their house and Lily and she had dueled. Dumbledore had been notified because of the spell and he had gone immediately to their place. He had arrived just in time to watch Voldemort kill her. The place was completely destroyed after that. They had left nothing, not even her body. Voldemort himself had carried her lifeless body. He had told Dumbledore that by no means was he giving her back, and that James refusing his offer hadn't been the best choice. Now he was paying the consequences for his stupid decisions. He was never seeing her again. His whole world had fallen apart, but the whole time she had been alive. After two years she was back. After two bloody years she had appeared.

* * *

After gaining some strength, Lily got up and embraced James with the same intensity as he was holding her. He felt like never letting go and he kissed her softly for the first time in years, and tears started to stream down of both faces. They broke apart and Lily caught sight of a ring on James' hand, a wedding ring. Then she looked at her hand and only noticed her engagement ring. There was no wedding band. Startled by this she sat up once again. 

James just sighed and went to the window to stop looking at her. He had known from the first moment he saw her that he still loved her, but he hadn't been sure she still did. He had no idea what had happened to her in those two years. Many things could've changed in her. Hell, many things had changed in his life. He was still shaken up and having her there so confused was much worse.

Finally without looking he reluctantly said, "Lily, we thought you were dead. They asked me to come back to...to explain."

"Come back from what? What are you talking about?" Lily asked.

"You've been missing for two years," he said.

* * *

A/N: I hope you've liked the first chapter. Please review. It's AU and its sad. But let me know what you think, should I stop should I continue. It's ok or does it suck? Pleaase! Review  
Ivy 


	2. Faith

**Disclaimer:** ** I own nothing you recognise (including hp universe material or alias stuff you recognise)**

A/N: Here's the second chapter. Enjoy and please review!

_Finally without looking, he reluctantly said "Lily, we thought you were dead. They asked me to come back to...to explain."_

"_Come back from what? What are you talking about? Lily asked_

"_You've been missing for two years" he said_

**Chapter 2- Faith**

_Just like the hearse you died to get in again  
We are so far from you  
Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate  
The lives of everyone you knew_

_Helena -My Chemical Romance_

Lily was speechless, James wasn't looking . And this were some shocking news, but something popped in her mind again. James' ring, why did he had one "Why do you have a wedding band?" James seemed to freeze. It obviously wasn't the question he was expecting from her. He had to gain some strength again . He turned to look at her once again and all he saw was confusion and pain.

"As I told you, since that night, you've been missing for two years." He quickly said. Lily fixed her gaze on his and felt a pang in her stomach. "Voldemort was there and Dumbledore arrived just in time to watch him kill you. He saw your lifeless body been taken by him. You were dead. You were dead" he continued.

"And you… got married" she whispered.

"I did. They asked me to come to New York...the order, well Dumbledore. He thought it would be best if you were reintroduced by someone from your life before" he explained without looking at her this time.

"Why didn't they sent Danielle? She's an order member and from my life before"

"I can't answer that. I chose not to stay with the order after your death" he said coming closer and sitting across from her

"So you aren't a member anymore?" she asked just to make sure.

"No…I'm a full time auror for the ministry" he told her. Lily stood up and walked to the window once again. "This is uh, gonna take me a while" she said more to herself than him.

"Dumbledore wants me to bring you back. I mean, you can imagine the kind of investigation that will be called" he said and stoop up in front of her.

"How much time do I have before I have to go?" she asked and James looked down at his watch while saying "He said that that we should be back…" Lily grabbed the lamp from the desk and whacked James on the side of the head with the base. As he bent over, she wrapped the cord of the lamp around his neck and started to strangle him.

"I don't know who the hell you are, but you are not James, you son of a bitch! Tell me who the hell you're working for... is it Voldemort!" she exclaimed. Then she threw him against the wall, still strangling him.

"Tell me you're working for Voldemort!" she yelled again. Then someone tried to open the door, so she elbowed the fake James in the temple and dropped him to the floor. The door room opened and Lily kicked a chair at the attacker, and punched a second attacker.

She turned around to see James getting up, so she kicked him in the stomach, sending him flying across the room. She ran down the hallway to get to the elevator, and found herself surrounded by a wizard on either side, both with wands. She kneeled, as if submitting, but when the man behind her went to grab her wrists ,she grabbed him and threw him at the other man.

She grabbed both wands and petrified both men. Just as she was ready to leave, Lily heard James shouting a tranquilliser spell to her, she turned in time to see the jet of blue light hit her in the chest. She gave James a look of utter betrayal, as the spell started to work. As she sank to her knees, James lowered his wand and walked closer

"Don't…" Lily said as she saw the impostor approach. "Don't do…" and she started to collapse.

James rushed over, dropping his wand,to catch Lily before she could fall, sinking himself to the ground, holding her.

* * *

"How is she?" asked James 

"Apparently she's ok James. The healer said she's a bit worn out. He gave her a dreamless sleeping potion. She'll wake up until tomorrow" said Dumbledore. "You should go home"

"Has the ministry been notified?" he asked.

"Not yet, I want her to rest. If we tell the ministry, they'll be all over her. Besides, she hasn't processed everything, this is going to be really hard for her.Remus is already doing some research on memory erasing spells, and ways to get her memory back. They must have used a really strong one, to erase such a long time span." Dumbledore explained.

"You're probably right" said James "Those jerks at the ministry don't care about people, all they care about is bringing down death eaters, not mattering the costs."

"So how's work?" asked Dumbledore.

"Fine. I guess it's getting harder everyday to know who's on our side and who's not" James sighed.

"You know before all this, I had already told you if you wanted to get back. You said you were going to think about it. We need you James, you're a great auror" Dumbledore said softly looking at the young man.

"You're starting to sound like my father, have you two talked lately?" he chuckled.

"Then we are probably right. We need to bring Voldemort down." Dumbledore said

"And I'm doing everything I can!" James exclaimed.

"Well I'm sorry to have upset you. But you know you could try better." Dumbledore said.

"I have to go now. Goodnight Professor" said James and left feeling guilty. He had just snapped at Dumbledore, without reason.

* * *

Lily opened her eyes, and started scanning the room. It looked so familiar, but she just couldn't remember. She had had the strangest dream, where James was married and attacked her, and she had missed two years of her life. Crazy things, now she remembered better, last night Bellatrix had attacked her and knocked her down. The door of the room opened and Dumbledore came in. Lily gave him a small smile and Dumbledore smiled back at her. 

"You're safe. You're at the Order Headquarters. You're home again." said Dumbledore. Lily looked bewildered and shocked.

"There are no words to make this easy. It _was_ James who came for you in New York. And what he told you was the truth" he said. Lily sat up in bed "Professor, what happened to me?"

"We don't know" he said sadly

"Where's my baby? What happened? Is he or she still alive? Where are my parents? Why do I have a scar on my stomach? Why was I in New York?" she cried

"Lily…" he answered

"And is Bellatrix still alive?Did she..."she asked.

"I know you have a million questions, but…" said Dumbledore trying to calm her down.

"I have a lot more than a million questions! I wish I only had a million questions" she yelled.

"You're going to have to be patient. I'll talk to the ministry and.." said Dumbledore.

" I can't be patient! I woke up like it was one night! I don't know what happened to my baby! I have a scar on my stomach I have _never_ seen before, there's a... You're telling me two years have passed, and I have to be patient?"

"Listen to me, Lily... You have to relax."

"I think I deserve to know what happened to the people in my life! I want some answers!"

"I'm sorry to say this but I can't give them to you. I wish I had them but I don't" he said sadly. And the door opened to reveal Remus Lupin.

"How ya feelin'?" he asked looking at Lily

"I'm okay for now. You look great…" she said

"Oh, thanks, yeah. Well I still have two weeks till the full moon. I'll be miserable by then but right now I'm feeling ok." he said laughing, then turned to Dumbledore and said "We've got something"

"I need just a minute. Excuse me." Dumbledore said getting up to leave the room.

"I'm sorry to be all cryptic..." said Remus excusing himself.

"It's okay... I get it." she said and both men left the room. A minute after Dumbledore came back in, this time without Remus.

"I have to go to the ministry" he said.

"Professor I want to see my parents" she said.

"Ok I've had already called them. They've been notified and they are on their way. I spoke to your father last night." he said.

"Why can't I go to them? I would like to be home."

"Right now you can't leave the headquarters, it's not safe Lily. We are almost sure you've been kept by Voldemort all this time. The ministry needs to know you're alive"

"Could I be reinstalled as an auror and as an active order member?" she asked

"I'm sure you can and will. But for now rest" he said and stood giving her a sympathetic look. When the door shut, the overwhelming sensation crept up again and the tears came back. Once again she found herself crying until she felt asleep.

Lily gasped and opened her eyes and saw her mom sitting in a chair next to her sleeping. Lily gasped again and woke up her mom.

"Lily!" exclaimed her mom. Both of them hugged and while after that her dad came in. After sharing many tears and hugs. They talked, first she told them about the night when she had disappeared and how it had been the same day she had found out she was pregnant. This had made her mom sobbed harder. Then her parents had made the best they could in explaining and telling her what had happened in the last two years in their life. After four hours Lily felt more comfortable and at more ease with herself. At least she had both of her parents, she knew that now more than ever they were going to be her pillars, the people who would help her stood up from this hole she was. They had to leave, because they knew she needed to rest. Lily's mom said goodbye, kissed her daughter on the cheek and gave her some alone time with her dad, as she had had earlier with her mom.

"Lily, honey I love you so much. I'm so glad you're ok." he said

"How long have you and mom been separated?" she asked

"What? How did you knew?" he asked surprised.

"I just could tell" she said sadly "How long?"

"Six months, we're just giving ourselves some space" he said. "We'll work things up, and having you here Lily will help your mom and me. Now I shall leave you, you have to rest and sleep and eat so you can have back your life" he said.

"Daddy, please don't leave. I don't want to be alone. I have never felt so alone in my life. I will never get my life back. I lost my baby, I have no job, I have no home, and James is married, and you and mom aren't together anymore…I don't want this life" she said

"James what?"

"He got married" she said.

"James Potter is just a boy who was _never_ good enough for you. Anyway, Lily, listen to me, you need to gain strength so you can live again. There's a world out there full of people who care for you, you have your mom and me and your friends. And you have to find out what happened to you and your baby."

"Yes..." she said.

"The only way to do that is by getting your clearance restored, having access to all that information in the ministry. I'm guessing the ministry of magic isn't really different in that aspect to our ministry"

"Dad, I don't think I can do this on my own" she said

"We both know that's not true, and you have no choice anyway. The ministry, I am certain, will be dubious about your return, somehow you must get them to trust you again" she said.

"But I'll be alone…"

"Dumbledore, will help you. He cares about you almost as much as I do. He knew you were alive. " he said.

"What!" Lily asked surprised "He hasn't mentioned anything, about it. How do you know!" she asked.

"Lily he knew you were alive, that's all I can tell. You have to talk to him. Be strong cupcake. I know you must already know this, but I love you"

"I love you too" she said and stood up to hug him.

"Promise me you'll visit" he asked.

"I promise daddy"

* * *

"There's so many new people... I don't know anyone here." Lily said as they arrived to the Ministry of Magic. 

"Ah, just give it time." Remus assured her. Then a tall guy, with long black hair, and a handsome cocky appearance appeared, and stood in front of Lily.

"Excuse me. hello? Hi,...Lily?" he said raising his voice slightly "I'm Sirius Black. I work here, auror you know. We met back in Hogwarts" he said smiling now

"Oh my god Sirius dolt, ... of _course_ I know who you are" she said hitting him playfully in the arm

"I was just testing you" he said smugly. "It's so amazing to see you, I can't even really relate. Actually, I,even wrote you a poem."

"Really padfoot, I didn't know you were a poet" Remus said raising his eyebrows.

"Moony, moony, of course I am, and ladies love my poetry" he said

"Lily" a female voice called and Lily turned to face Danielle Stevens.

"Danielle!" she said and hugged her.

"Ooooh, welcome back" she said back. Lily looked down and felt a pang in her stomach. She quickly recovered and exclaimed "Hey you're pregnant!"

"Ooh, yeah, yeah...I am." she said

"I, wonder who the father is?" said Sirius leaning forward conspiratorially. Lily turned to face him shocked and looked back at Danielle.

"Are you guys married too?" she asked

"No" Danielle answered shortly.

"Not yet" Sirius added.

"No. We're not married." said Danielle once again.

"We just haven't set the date yet" Sirius explained

"We're not even engaged, we're just having a kid" said Danielle getting tired of Sirius' remarks

"Well, we're _talking_ about getting engaged..." Sirius said

"Not really" said Danielle

"Well, uh, she just has an issue with wedlock." said Sirius smiling and giving her a light kiss on the lips. Danielle smiled and pulled Sirius again into a deeper kiss. They didn't care they were just at work and Lily saw that they were obviously in love. She felt a pang in her stomach again, but was saved by Remus' coughing.

"Lily...Dumbledore and the minister are expecting us" said Remus

"If you need anything, just ask, okay?" said Danielle

"Thanks. We can have dinner today" Lily suggested

"Perfect, I'll see you guys later" she said

"Bye Lily, see you later and good luck" said Sirius.

* * *

Lily and Remus where lead to a private room by the minister's secretary. She opened the door and there was Dumbledore and the minister waiting for them. Remus pushed her in and waited outside. 

"Minister, Professor" Lily addressed as she entered the room. Both gentleman stood up and shook hands.

"Take a sit Miss Evans" the minister said pointing a chair politely.

"Thank you" said Lily sitting next Dumbledore and in front the Minister.

"Professor Dumbledore has explained me, the events in the past two days." he started "I know how hard this must be for you, but I need to hear what's the last thing you remember." Then Lily explained the events that had occurred that night at her place, and how suddenly she had been knocked off and woke up in the hotel. When she finished the minister spoke again "You're not the first auror who has his or her memory erased, some of them have been able to retrieve it, but others couldn't. There's a group of help for wizards and witches who have lost their memory, they could help you"

"Than you sir" said Lily

"I know you want your job, back and you've got it. You've already been reinstalled as an auror. And you can start working now." he said

"Thank you sir" said Lily again feeling pleased to have her job again.

"One more thing Lily, anything you remember about your disappearance must be notified for the investigation. You could be an important piece for bringing Voldemort down" he said.

"I will sir" said Lily

"You may go now, Professor Dumbledore and I have some things to discuss" said the minister standing up and leading Lily to the door.

"Thank you sir" said Lily and left the room.

* * *

Lily walked down the white corridor searching for Remus. And he spotted him at the end of the hallway, he was standing there talking to Sirius and James. Lily couldn't deal with this not yet, she walked by, trying to go unnoticed, but for her bad luck Sirius noticed and stopped talking. The three turned to look at her. After a moment James gave Remus and Sirius a last look and took a few steps toward Lily. Remus and Sirius just smiled sympathetically to Lily and started to walk away. 

James sighed nervously and attempted a friendly smile while saying "I came by to see how you were"

His tone and expression angered Lily. Well at this point, probably just his existence made her angry. Her face was expressionless, but her eyes had daggers in them.

"Are you kidding me?" she snapped. James had some trouble maintaining eye contact, but looked back up, again trying to put up a front of friendly concern "No, I...just wanted to make sure that you..."

"You didn't come here to see how I am...you came here to see how _you_ are, because you know in your heart what you did...you want to make sure you're okay. " Lily said. James paused for moment, he was taken aback by what she just said.

"Dumbledore saw him kill you " he said and paused "Consider that for what that's…" but Lily didn't let him finish, cutting him off "Don't use rational thought as a defence with me, not after all you and I have seen. James, you and I live and breathe madness every day on the job...there is no...rational thought! I can't even pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. What it comes down to, is faith! "

James face didn't show any obvious emotion, but his lips were pursed, his eyebrows were furrowed, pain, shock and a bit of anger was reflected in his eyes.

"What I was hoping you would say is, _Lily I gave up; I gave up on us. I lost faith_." continued Lily looking more hurt, angry and upset.

"But what you came here for...was closure...and there is not a chance you are getting that from me! I'm sorry to come back and crumble your world. " she exclaimed. James' face was still strained, hurt and tense. Lily was having a hard time keeping her emotions out of her voice this time her voice was strained and hoarse "I'm not gonna say I understand…I'm not gonna sympathise with you and tell you how hard it must be for you…But… You want know how I am?" she gave a small gasp "I am horrible! James" and she gasped again. "I am ripped apart!" she said in a strained whisper "And not because I lost you…but because…if it had been me" and tears started to cloud her eyes "I would have waited"

James blinked several times, he swallowed painfully. Pain, regret, and loss echoed in his eyes. He appeared very strained, he was trying to hold back tears himself.

Lily barely holding back the sobs in her voice now "I would have found the truth…I wouldn't have given up on you!" she said as betrayal lighted her face. She was bolstering herself with her anger. A hardness gleamed in her eyes.

"And now I realise……what an absolute waste that would have been" she said in a harsh whisper punctuated by shaky breaths.

James looked wounded by her last remark. Lily turned to leave, trying to reign in her emotions, refusing to cry in front of him. As he watched her leave and empty sadness filled his eyes, as he looked down, as if remembering. Then a tear escaped one of his eyes. His brow was furrowed and his lips were in a thin line.

As Lily sobbed silently a couple of feet away, she promised to herself that she would never tell him about their baby.

* * *

A/N: I really liked how this chapter turned out. But pleaaassee let me know what YOU THINK. REEEEVIIIEEEW! 

Prong122- Alex, I'm glad you think so. You're the first to review my story. Thanks! Keep reading please and of course keep reviewing.

GloriaStone92-Yeah, actually I sort of got the idea from there but this will turn out to be different, they'll have similar things because is from where I got my inspiration but it has it own story plot. I included in this chapter a scene between Sydney and Vaughn.

Ivy


	3. Restrained love retained love

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise (including hp universe material or alias stuff you recognise)**

"_And now I realise……what an absolute waste that would have been" she said in a harsh whisper punctuated by shaky breaths._

_James looked wounded by her last remark. Lily turned to leave, trying to reign in her emotions, refusing to cry in front of him. As he watched her leave and empty sadness filled his eyes, as he looked down, as if remembering. Then a tear escaped one of his eyes. His brow was furrowed and his lips were in a thin line._

_As Lily sobbed silently a couple of feet away, she promised to herself that she would never tell him about their baby._

**A/N:** Hey guys I'm so happy for the reviews! Well I made a huge mistake on chapter one, in the names of Lily's friends(long story…). So if you don't want to get confused , I've already changed them, and in this chapter are the new ones. So please enjoy!

**Chapter 3 –Restrained love…..retained love**

_We've been through this such a long long time  
Just tryin' to kill the pain  
But lovers always come and lovers always go  
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today  
Walking away_

_(November rain-Guns N' Roses)  
_

It was Thursday night and Lily was resting in bed, trying to read. She was bit tired tomorrow she was going to return to her old job. To say the truth she was very nervous. She had spent the whole week with Danielle doinghouse hunting and some serious shopping. It had definitely been good for her, distractions were what she needed right now. She was eager to move into her own place, the order headquarters were fine, but she needed some time and space alone…During all week Lily hadn't been able to talk with Dumbledore about what her father had said. Just as she was thinking, how the hell he knew, he came into her bedroom.

"Lily, I hope I'm not interrupting you" he said. Lily got up and both sat in one of the chairs next to the table.

"Not at all Professor" she said "Actually I've been meaning to talk to you all week. I just couldn't"

"I imagine your father has already told you that I knew you were alive" he stated. And Lily was surprised at how blunt he could be sometimes.

"Yes" she reassured him "And my question is how?"

"Well Miss Evans, do you recognise this woman?" he said taking out a picture. And Lily gasped at we she saw. There she was, but with black straight hair,and her green piercing eyes, but although it was her, her face seemed different as if it was another person.

"OH MY GOD! For heaven sake's this is _me_!" she exclaimed

"I received this picture six months earlier" he explained "Through sources I found out you were residing at New York and you were working at the American Ministry of Magic under the name of Marissa Smith."

"Why didn't you told me this before!"

"It wasn't the appropriate time, you were very altered. After I had learned your location I tried to contact you, but you never answered my letters. So I sent one of our Order members" he said taking out another picture. "Do you recognise him?"

"No" she said examining the man, he must have been like 19, he was thin, handsome, dark blue eyes, and dirty blond hair.

"His name is Adam Thompson, familiar now?" said Dumbledore

"Wait, he was a Ravenclaw a year ahead of us at Hogwarts. He was headboy in my sixth year. He looks so different." She said looking closer at the smiling guy in it.

"He went to retrieve you two months ago, and he came back with nothing. He never found you. Apparently you had left the Ministry. I kept sending you letters but you never answered any of them. The first letter I received was the one from last week"

"Oh" Lily said.

"But that's not all, three weeks ago, the English ambassador who resided on New York was murdered, and there was a witness" said Dumbledore. "The ambassador was a presumptuous death eater too, we had been investigating him for several months"

"And why does that, has to do with me?" asked Lily confused. Dumbledore took out a third photograph. It wasn't a photograph precisely, it was a portrait of her, this time with short light brown hair but with the same green eyes. Lily covered her mouth to avoid screaming. "No…"

"This is the woman, the witness described to the muggle police at New York. He was stabbed 3 times. But the ministry isn't quite sure she was a muggle, they have reasons to believe it was a witch. They have opened an investigation. From what I heard Scott was thinking of giving some information and leaving the dark side."

"No…" she whispered. " I killed a man. I can't be trusted. Professor you can't trust me, not after this" she said

"Your remorse is premature. Without knowing the circumstances, you can't be sure you didn't have a cause." He explained trying to calm her down. Lily remained quiet for a couple of minutes processing what she had just learned, then she spoke again this time more calm and confident.

"I know you don't want to inform the ministry, to protect me, but maybe you should." she said

"Lily, they'll detain you indefinitely. If they learn you murdered the ambassador, you won't be able to participate in finding out what happened to you over the last two years , which, frankly, I need you for." He told her and got up heading to the door.

"I don't trust myself right now, Professor. Maybe the ministry shouldn't either."

" Well, _I_ trust you. I'll keep looking into the ambassador. You deserve to get on with your life" and he left.

"Right now, I'm not so sure I want _this_ life" she whispered.

* * *

" Why does moving heavy objects automatically mean, that I _need_ one of those muggle beverages you like to call beers?" asked Sirius.

Lily smiled and grabbed a beer bottle from a six pack on the counter, she twisted off the top and turned to hand it to him "Maybe because you just like to use it as a pretext to drink one… Is not as if it was a hard work to swish you wand every now then."

"Well thank you, but my wrist is starting to hurt" he said mockingly wincing in pain. Lily walked across the kitchen and into the living room and sat in one of the couches.

"Then I guess it must be time for a break" she said smiling

" Is that a smile? It's nice to see that _again_" said Sirius.

Lily looked up a little surprised and gave him a cute, embarrassed smile and looked down again. "Yeah" she said.

"Are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, are you going to be all right? By yourself?" he asked a concerned his friend was trying to pretend it was all okay.

"Well, this place isn't so bad…" she started. Sirius laughed " Come on. It's amazing. Luxurious penthouse which is two blocks from the beach! Are you kidding me? And beside you've got the most handsome, and hottest neighbour you could ask for. Trust me, you're set. It's every girl's dream and I'm not talking precisely of the penthouse"

"I wonder what Danielle says about that" she said amused.

"Well she's just happy to be the lucky girl I chose" he said grinning like a little boy.

"I'm so happy for both of you, that you finally got together. You are meant to be. Since back at school I could tell"

"Yeah, I know, it's just that when it feels right , it simply feels right. I can't imagine my life without her now. I just love her so much, and having this baby is just going to bring us closer if is even possible."

Lily knew he had hit a nerve, it sounded so much like her and James back then, but now it was just too painful and sad to think about it.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked turning serious.

"Sure" he said turning to face herafter taking a swig of his beer.

"James. How's his wife like?" she asked slowly as if careful.

Sirius looked down uncomfortably, sighed and sat down next to her. "I'm not sure if you really want to hear _this_." But Lily looked at him expectantly. "When James heard that you were dead? He _just lost it ._ I mean, literally, Lils, he...he was out of the country for, like, _six months._ You need to know that he wasn't eager to get moving on with his life." Lily nodded painfully and he continued "I mean, I could barely convince him to consider coming back to the Order."

"He's thinking about coming back?" she asked surprised. Sirius couldn't maintain the eye contact with Lily, so he looked everywhere but her.

"Well you don't have to worry about that, because _it_ won't happen" he said more softly.

"Because of me…because I'm back, right?" she asked

"I'm not sure of that Lily, we had talked about it a couple of days earlier to your return. He was confident and was even eager to talk to Dumbledore. But Remus told me the night you came back, James and Dumbledore were talking, Dumbledore mentioned something about him coming back and he just snapped at him, got upset and left." Sirius explained

"It's me." she simply said. "What else could keep him from coming back?" she asked. Hoping Sirius could think of another reason for her. But he obviously knew Lily was right.

"Hey do you want go eat, I'm hungry" he said trying to lighten the mood and distract her. She could just deal with this later.

"Sounds great" she said.

* * *

"Mom it was delicious" Lily said as she grabbed the last remaining from her plate.

"I'm glad you like it honey" her mother said.

"She's right you outdid yourself, Margaret " said her father warmly, and Lily's mom blushed. Lily smiled at the scene it was good to see her parents that warm to each other. Maybe she really had been some help in bringing them closer. When she though about it, Lily was almost sure her death along with Petunia's marriage was what driven her parents apart.

"So, I was wondering if I had like a funeral or something liked that?" Lily asked. Both of her parents were surprised, but it was her mother who answered.

"Well, yes kind of. Because there was no body. But James insisted in doing it that way. Lots of people were there. And the place were you were supposedly buried, was little garden with a plaque in the centre and white lilies everywhere." said her mother. "It would have been beautiful to look at, if it didn't caused so much pain and sadness" and a tear escaped on of her eyes.

"But I'm here now mom" she said embracing her mother in a hug.

"I'll have to take care of that plaque and the place" said his father.

"Just destroy the plaque but leave the lilies, mom says it's beautiful and I'm sure it is. So just keep the flowers, please" she said, and promised herself she would visit the place, but not now. She needed some time to adjust to the idea.

* * *

"Lily, have you received any letter from Natasha or Lindsay?" Danielle asked. She was looking so pretty today. Her long black curly hair made an excellent contrast with her white snow skin. Her dark brown, almost black eyes were sparkling.

"No, are they here in London? I can't wait to see them, hey what about Jane?" she asked

"Natasha is in Italy, Lindsay is here in England but not in London. And Jane died a year ago" Danielle mumbled losing the spark in her eyes. "She…was murdered by death eaters"

Lily only stood there speechless, one of her best friends had died. The horrible feeling took over her body again, but this time there were no tears. She had cried so much that at this point, it seemed as if she wasn't going to be able to cry anymore. Danielle hugged Lily tightly, and for the first time she realised how hard it must have been for her, and forNatasha and Lindsay.

"Are you nervous about today?" Danielle asked.

"Well yes, one thing was being introduced to my boss and my work team. But meeting all the auror department, it's nervous wracking , besides…"

"Yeah I understand, so who's your boss?" she nodded.

"Adam Thompson"

"He's nice, smart and a great auror. He is one the youngest leaders along with Sirius and…" she said without finishing the phrase. Lily knew who she was going to mention and didn't liked people avoiding his name in front of her, like if they were afraid she might just snap and kill them. She could deal with him now ,at least that was what she hoped.

"I know. My co workers seem great too" Lily said.

"Well do you mind telling me some names and then I'll tell you what I know about them" Danielle said.

"Well there's Sara Michael, John Graham, Jared Cauldwell, and Susan Nichol"

"Great aurors Jared, Sara and John. Susan's good but not as good. And just to warn you Jared and Susan are dating, you should know she's extremely jealous." She said in a serious mock tone.

"I don't plan on hitting Jared. There won't be a problem" Lily assured her.

"Don't tell me later, I didn't warn you" she said laughing and both directed themselves to the room where the meeting was going to be held. When they arrived Sirius was already there talking to an older man. Lily scanned the room and recognised some faces. A large part of the people there were between 20 and 25. But there were also older people between 35 to 45. Apparently everyone was waiting for the head auror to show up and start the meeting.

The department was divided in six teams. Each team had a leader, and apart from the team there was a supervisor for each one. The group of supervisors was like the seventh team, and then there was the deputy head auror and finally the head auror himself. The head auror was the same since she had started working there, Mr. Harold Potter. He had introduced her to her supervisor and leader earlier. He had made her feel welcome and his treat hadn't been anydifferent from before.

Her team supervisor was non other than Fabian Prewett, she had heard that most of the people at the ministry thought he was too young for a supervisor, he was just 26 after all, but he was a magnificent auror like his elder brother Gideon. He was the deputy head auror, and a great friend of Mr. Potter. Both were member orders as well.

Everyone quieted down, and Lily noticed Mr. Potter along with his son enter the room. They all took their seats, and the meeting began. He started giving out tasks to each team. And all the persons in the room started to take note. Then he made a quick summary of the attacks over the last month, he pointed out possible moves from the Dark Lord, and then he talked about the ministry's fears and expectations. Lily was dreading the moment but it finally came.

"Now as most of you know. Miss Lillian LeighEvans has been reinstalled as an auror" and everybody turned to look at her, everybody but him. His face showed no expression or what so ever. "She's part of Adam's team. Welcome back" he finished and gave her a reassuring smile. "So that's it for today" and with that the meeting ended, and everyone stopped looking at her.

Several people approached, to welcome her back. Either they were people she knew from Hogwarts or people with whom she used to work before. Suddenly everything didn't felt so strange, except of course, him. As soon as the meeting ended he had left immediately the room.

* * *

After the first week, Lily felt like part of her life was falling to place. Although the other great part was still a mess. She had dedicated herself to settling down at work, and actually workingbecause she hadn't had time for anything else. She had to talk to Dumbledore again, and she wanted to hang out with her friends. Tonight they were going to go out finally. She also wanted to talk to Potter, she didn't want to be the reason he wasn't going back to the Order, after all she had been the reason he left, so it just wasn't right. So today she was going to end with it. She finished her paperwork, grabbed her cloak an purse and directed herself to his office.

He had his own secretary, but apparently she was gone already. It was kind of late and most people were gone, especially because it was friday. Lily was about to knock when she heard he was talking to someone. So she decided to wait, to avoid interrupting. After five minutes the door opened and Ryan Wood exited, he bid good night at her and went towards the elevator.

Lily stood and entered the room, looking nervous an anxious. At first James didn't acknowledge her presence, he was looking through some paperwork. Lily walked forward and James looked up noticing someone there. He was shocked to see her there. His expression turned anxious and tense, as if steeled against another outburst. He didn't know what to expect from her. He sighed and Lily met his eyes.

"You're chief auror, huh?" she asked softly sort of wistfully and painfully at the same time.

"Yes" he answered cautiously after pausing for a second.

"I know that you're thinking about coming back...to the Order" she commented trying to sound as casual as possible.

James remained with the same expression on his face. He was waiting to find out what Lily wanted, why she was there.

"If your hesitation or sudden change of mind is due somehow to me. Forget it, I mean I don't have a problem with you being there. I can handle it. I don't want to be the reason you won't come back."

James looked off, as in deep, troubled thought, then he looked down and away. He took two steps closer to Lily, while she crossed her arms across herself in a self-protective gesture.

James sighed again, the spoke in a mildly defensive way "The other day you said I gave up on us because I didn't have faith; that somehow you didn't mean enough to me."

"When I said that, I was..." she said as in pain.

"No, let me finish" he said earnestly in a pained half-whisper. Lily looked at him, reflecting sorrow and pain through her eyes.

"After you died, I used to talk to you...like you were still around. _Literally_, out loud, whole conversations about...nothing" James looked lost in memory as he spoke" the weather...Should I get a new broom? Should I have another drink?..."As he talked Lily was clearly hurting for him. James met her eyes "Then one day….you started answering." And he shook his head slightly…his voice turned a bit unsteady and hoarse "I mean, I could hear you in my head…like you were right next to me…Lily" In that moment Lily was one step far from crying" And although rationally I knew I was a guy who stayed up nights drinking and talking to his dead girlfriend…Still I couldn't stop" Her eyes were now watery. "So before you tell me you can handle me coming back to the order, there are two things you need to know. First is that I _was so _in love with you…that it nearly _killed_ me" Lily's eyes were still watery and her face awash in pain and sorrow " And second…." He shook his head "that I don't regret moving on with my life." Lily was devastated by what James went through but the feeling of betrayal was still there. She just nodded and walked out his office, because she couldn't hold back the tears.

In the office James, was trying to hold back himself. He hadn't wanted Lily to know all this, but anger had got out the best of him( in a sarcastic way). Besides he had just basically lied, first of all he thought _I am so in love with you that it nearly killed me and it's killing me right now , you being here and I can't have you_, and second _I regret moving on with my life, I would do anything to go back in time, things would be so different now._

* * *

After many explanations, complains, yelling, and spells. Natasha, Lindsay and Danielle had convinced Lilynot tocancel their night out. Danielle had played her pity card as how in two months she wasn't going to be able to even go out. Natasha and Lindsay were her other two friends. Like Danielle, Natasha Clearwater was pureblood too. She was tall, she had amazing honey coloured eyes and blonde curly hair with some red strikes .She had a nice body, with curves in the all the right places, but slim all together. She worked as a model in Italy, and she was very respected because of her family and her being a famous model. Lindsay Stevens was pureblood withlight brown wavy hair, and light blue eyes. She had a slim figure toned like Danielle used to have because of the exercise she did. She and Danielle used to play quidditch back at Hogwarts, and her shape was just the same as back in school. Lindsay was junior editor at a magazine called "B.I.G" (that stood for Beauty, Intelligence and Grace) it was sort of like the Vogue American magazine.

First they had dinner at an elegant and fancy restaurant at muggle London. They served italian food which was the girls' favourite. Afterwards they went to a wizarding club, near Diagon Alley. Natasha and Lily were drinking as if there was no tomorrow, Lindsay wasn't drinking, they needed someone to take them home and help Danielle who couldn't, and a pregnant womanwasn't going to be able to deal with three drunken women. They danced all night long, until Natasha and Lily were just too trashed. So Lindsay and Danielle decided it was time to go home.

The arrived to Lily's place. Lily walked into to kitchen and took out a bottle of…..tequila apparently and two shot glasses. She joined her friends in the living room, and poured some liquid into both shot glasses. Natasha giggled and Lily drank down a shot, her friend did the same. Danielle and Lindsay looked at the girls amused.

They continued for a while until the bottle she had took out earlier was now a mostly-empty large bottle of tequila. Lindsay was almost falling asleep as Danielle. The conversation had died out a long while ago. It wasn't so fun when not everyone was drunk or sober.

"Ok, girls I have to go, I'm next door just go if you need anything" said Danielle standing up.

"Bye" Lily and Natasha giggled and Lindsay just shook her head and stood up along with Danielle.

"I think I'm going to go and sleep now, Lily is it okay with you two?" she asked.

"Of course" Natasha slurred. Danielle then left the apartment and Lindsay went into the guest room. Lily poured the remain into the two shots.

"That's good!" Lily muffled

"I know. Do you wanna know what else is gooood…..?"Natasha asked in a suggestive way.

"What Tash?" Lily said giggling.

"Adam Thompson, he is an auror you know….a really hot hot hot auror"

"Shut up! He's like my boss…"

"I know that why you must be the luckiest woman in the whole world!"

"I don't think so, I don't plan on hitting on him" she told her "or shagging him…." she said as an afterthought and she blushed and started giggling once again like a stupid high school girl

"Hey, why not? You deserve it girl after all you've been through. You've got to find a way to release all that tension and stress."

"After all I've been through…." She whispered, and looked down. "Is just that it all happened so fast…" she said more to herself than to Natasha. And braced herself as a little kid who's scared. Natasha got up and sat next to her putting and arm around her, and Lily started sobbing silently.

"You're going to be fine" she said while stroking her hair "We are here for you, we won't leave you no matter what happens. We love you Lils" At this Lily sobbed even harder and in a strained voice almost incomprehensible she said "He used to say that, he promised, he promised…."

Natasha remained quiet, knowing that no matter what she said, Lily wouldn't feel better. The best she could was comfort her, and hold her while she cried. She was amazed at how well Lily had conducted herself for the first two weeks, in her place she would have been destroyed.

* * *

"Yeah, then everything went blank, and next thing I knew I was at St. Mungos" an old man said to Lily "The worst was that I couldn't even recognise my sons, how long have you been back?"

"A little bit more than two weeks" she said shyly.

"Nightmares?" he asked resignedly

"Yes everyday" she sighed heavily. Talking to a stranger was so much easier for her. He didn't know her and he had gone through the same still it wasn't enough, nothing was enough. Nothing at this point could maker her feel better. They talked for another hour or so until the old man had to leave. She was left alone and somehow mad, that she had been forced to do this. It had been that bad yes, but it still couldn't ease her pain. So she apparated to Sirius' place.

She was feeling distinctly unnerved, there was nobody on the living room, so she walked down the hallway to the kitchen, and pushed open the door. Sirius was sitting on the edge of his kitchen table. He looked up and started to stand when he saw her.

"Lily….."

"I appreciate everybody thinking it's good for me to know that there are other people out there who've experienced what I have, but…."

"Lils what are you talking about?" asked Sirius confused by her outburst.

"But nothing can't help me Sirius!" she yelled.

"Lily….." but he was cut off by her again. Her emotions were leaking out pain and sorrow "Look I'm not even gonna lie to you and tell you that it isn't hard for me to see James…. Do I still love him? Of course I do and I…..and I can't…" and she plopped in the chair next to Sirius and covered her face with her hands. Sirius rubbed her back and saw James' standing in the kitchen entrance.

James felt like he had been stabbed once again. Yes that was how he felt everytime he saw her. Sirius was just looking at him with a dumbfound expression on his face. James felt so angry. Just a couple of feet away she was, looking for comfort. The idea of hugging her and kissing her, crossed his mind, but he knew it just would make things worst, he couldn't do that. So after gaining back his senses he just waved Sirius and walked out the room, feeling worse than he had when he first arrived, and disapparated.

Lily didn't even acknowledge his presence or heard the pop in the living room. She was too busy choking herself on her emotions once again.

* * *

Later that day, Lily had to go to Hogwarts to see Dumbledore. She had been so excited about visiting her school full of memories from her adolescence, but also filled of memories with him…..

Lily spotted somestudents playing near the lake, and a couple of feet away was a couple of 6th or 7th, the boy was whispering something to her and she just blushed and gave him a kiss on th cheek. It looked so familiar...

She smiled at the young couple and continued to walk into the castle. There saw also some of her old professors, who were so happy to see her again. Everybody spoke to her words of good luck and best wishes. Minerva Mcgonagall escorted her to Dumbledore's office. They climbed up the stairs, and there was someone sitting across form the Headmaster whom he was talking to.

Dumbledore turned to see both women and stood up and pointed the seat in front of him and next to the man.

"Thank you Minerva" he said and dismissed the old Transfiguration teacher. Lily walked up to the seat and saw James sitting there. He turned to look at her and gave her a small smile which Lily painfully returned. She sat down and Dumbledore started taking "Lily, James you are both been reinstalled as order members and to your old positions."

"Thank you sir" both said at the same time

"But that means you would be paired up for order mission. If there are any special considerations either of you would like me to take into account, Now's the time to speak"

James was clearly worried about Lily's reaction, there was worry etched on his face. He looked and Dumbledore and then finally met Lily's eyes as if asking, "Are you sure you're okay with this?" as Dumbledore continued talking, James had his hands clutched together in front of him, as if awaiting a verdict. Lily looked away briefly and then back, meeting James' eyes. For a split second, emotion could be seen on Lily's eyes, but then it was gone and she was all polite business.

"Welcome back to both of you" Dumbledore said. "Now if you excuse me, I'll have to leave". He walked them to the stairs and both remained quiet. They walked down the hallway, until Lily stopped, putting herself in front of him.

"So we are going to be working together." she said nodding slightly. James nodded back "Yes, I guess so…." He looked over Lily's shoulder toward the sound of footsteps. His mouth dropped open slightly, hesteeled himself for something even worse than seeing Lily. Slightly breathless he said "Hey, Alexis"

Lily turned to look a round at who he was talking too. A woman of about 5'1 with wavy brown hair that cascaded down to her shoulders and blue eyes to match , was walking towards them. She was very pretty Lily could tell. James just bit his lip as she arrived. Both women turned to look at him expecting to be introduced.

"Lily this is Alexis . Alexis this is Lily Evans" he said it quickly and both women shook their hands. Alexis looked surprised at hearing her names, but Lily was clueless to who she was.

"I don't remember you from Hogwarts" said Lily as an afterthought "What did you say it was your last name?"

"I didn't attend Hogwarts. My father is English, but my mom is French, I went to Beauxbautons" she answered. Then in a more respectful and almost apologetic tone "My maiden name was Thompson, I'm Alexis Potter now"

Lily was stunned and her eyes widened "Hi..." she said softly, almost in a whisper. Lily appeared as is she had been expecting it, but that it still hurt more than she though it would. She looked down. James seemed to notice the tension and Lily's problem with her voice so he finally sppke "We have to go Lily. Good bye" Lily looked up at him and noticed regret in his eyes. She nods unable to find her voice and both walked away. Alexis grabbed James' hand as soon as they started walking. Lily just watched silently the couple leave.

* * *

A/N: That…was….chapter…three. Lily is all emotional now, and James is stupid. Would you like more about James' feelings? I'll do my best to update next week but I can't promise. Reviews encourage me to write! SO PLEASE REVIEW! Also I need a BETA READER! Anyone?

sirius' lover xxTxx: I'm glad you think so.

MoonShineMagicSsarer: Thanks Sara! I wasn't sure you were going to like it. You're such a great friend, so now you know this part of me lol.

banny: Thanks! Keep reviewing! And I'll try to update frequently.

Bread and Cheese: I hope this disclaimer is enough. And thanks for the warning but if you have more suggestions please let me know.

Emilyp: Yeah that why I sort of made it R. But now I'm feeling like I exaggerated should I change to PG-13?

SiriusAndJamesAreGorgeous: Yeah he's and idiot, and I love him to.. He's one of my fav characters along with Sirius. I think they are great! But James will get better soon.

Ivy


	4. And then they were three

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. Check chapter 1, 2 or 3**

_My maiden name was Thompson, I'm Alexis Potter now"_

_Lily was stunned and her eyes widened "Hi..." she said softly, almost in a whisper. Lily appeared as is she had been expecting it, but that it still hurt more than she though it would. She looked down. James seemed to notice the tension and Lily's problem with her voice so he finally spoke "We have to go Lily. Good bye" Lily looked up at him and noticed regret in his eyes. She nodded unable to find her voice and both walked away. Alexis grabbed James' hand as soon as they started walking. Lily just watched silently the couple leave._

**A/N:** Sorry it so long but finally it's here. Enjoy

**Chapter 4 – And then they were three**

_I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else  
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same  
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams  
I think her death it must be killin' me_

_(One Headlight-The Wallflowers)_

"It was completely awkward, I didn't know what to do, I was completely speechless, I must have looked like the most stupid or retarded person in the world " Lily said.

"If anyone here is retarded it's him and your reaction is completely understandable honey. It was a shocker meeting her, you knew it was coming but it still grabbed you by surprise." Natasha assured her and after pausing for a moment she asked"And how are you NOW?"

"What do you mean?" Lily asked pretending to be confused by her question. She avoided Natasha's look, trying to find a way out of this.

"Lily you can't keep doing this" Natasha said. Lily got up and went into the kitchen, and she was followed by her friend. She didn't answered and instead started to wash some dishes on the sink.

"Lily….don't shot me out" Natasha pleaded and placed her hand in Lily's shoulder.

"What?" Lily said annoyed, she turned to face her and tears were already gathered in her eyes. She raised her hand to try to wipe them but Natasha caught her hand and she lead Lily to the living room once again.

"Don't keep it all for yourself. I would be lying if I said that I understand what you're going through because I obviously don't. But I'm here to listen Lillian. I'm here for you girl. I had already told you" Natasha reassured her.

"I know" Lily said in a restrained whisper "but I have to move on, I _need _to move on. But I have so much past with him. I just can't go on and pretend none of that happened. How can I just let it go, there are things I can't"

"But you _need_ to or you won't move on"

"I can't let go of my baby…." She whispered to herself and Natasha listened her and was shocked.

"Baby?" Lily just nodded sadly and a single tear escaped her eyes. "The night I disappeared I had just found out I was pregnant "Natasha covered her mouth and was speechless and suddenly she was sobbing "I don't know what happened to him or her" and Lily got up and slid up her shirt "All I have is this scar, I woke up with it in New York"

"Oh my, I had no idea. He knows?" Lily just shook her head.

"Who does?"

"Dumbledore, my parents and now you. Please don't mention anything to Nelle, she's pregnant and I don't think is a good idea to tell her now"

"I won't" Natasha assured her

"Thanks Tash"

"Do you plan on telling him?" she inquired.

"No, and promise me you won't" At this Natasha looked unsure but nodded. "Promise?" Lily asked dubious

"Promise"

* * *

Remus Lupin was a young man even though he looked older. He was cute with sandy blonde hair, nice complexion and beautiful brown eyes. He had been quite a heartbreaker during his Hogwart's years. And he had to be, he was friends with the two most popular guys of Hogwarts Sirius Black and James Potter. All three of them plus Petter Pettigrew, called themselves The Marauders. Peter was completely different from them, but somehow he was their friend. So after Hogwarts many of their fellow students thought they would drive apart. Is what usually happens with everyone. People change and go in different directions. But they had proved them wrong.

Remus apparated into Sirius' apartment and saw all three of them in the living room. He smiled at the sight of them drinking.

"Couldn't you just wait for me to get all drunk?" Remus asked with a boyish grin on his face.

"You are late" said Sirius angrily and he tackled him, and both ended up in the floor. Sirius got up and totally changed his mood "but I forgive you Moony, Kate's keeping you late…..hey that rimes" and he started singing it adding a tune to it.

"Brilliant padfoot" said James sarcasticly "Real poetry."

"So is Kate really that good?" asked Peter

"Ha ha ha funny Peter. But if I tell you then I would have to kill you" said Remus grabbing a bottle of beer and taking a swig. He took a seat next to James.

"And we wouldn't want that, now would we? "replied James laughing. It felt good to hang with his friends. Lately he had been so busy with _everything _that he needed a break. They started talking about quidditch and making predictions. They talked for an hour or so until Peter had to leave. Her mother was sick and he was going to visit her on weekends. After Peter left Sirius started a new topic, one that made James uncomfortable.

"So, I heard they finally met, how did it go?" Sirius looked at his friend and saw him go all depressed. Sirius turned to look at Remus and he looked as worried as he was.

"Fine I guess. Lily was shocked and Alexis was surprised, but nothing ugly happened," he simply said, "I mean Alexis wanted to invite her over for dinner"

"I don't think that's a good idea James," said Remus softly. James just shook his head "I back up Remus, Lily wasn't really that excited about having to see her _ever_ again"

"How would you know?" James raised his eyebrows.

"Well she burst into my apartment yelling and complaining about the whole thing. It ended up with Nelle and her having a BF and kicking me off the apartment" explained Sirius making a face of fake pain as he supposedly remembered.

"A BF? What's that?" asked Remus confused

"Bitch Fest, duh!" said Sirius in a girly voice as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Watch it, you're turning into one of them" said James laughing and then he continued on a more serious tone "I had no idea she was that upset"

"Come on James you surely didn't expect her to go and throw a party or be Alexis' best friend? Did you?" Remus said

"Of course not…"

"You've seen her Prongs, she's really upset and she needs time. Time to adjust to everything" explained Sirius.

"I just hope someday she can forgive me…" James whispered and took another zip of his beer and went into the bathroom.

Sirius sat where James had been, next to Remus and said, " I just hope_ he _can forgive himself someday…"

"Well I'm just hoping he gets over _her _someday…." Remus said. James came out of the bathroom and went into the cabinet and took out a bottle of firewhiskey. He took a shot and joined his two friends.

"I always thought he would go for me first you know" James started. "If only I had been there…."

James pushed his glasses up his nose convulsively, as if searching something to do with his hands.

"It's not your fault Prongs" Sirius whispered, "You had already accepted that"

"But if I hadn't been with her…I was so selfish" Remus laid a hand on his friend's shoulder "You can't go back in time…."

"I know…I just…" Finally James let the tears fall "It's been two years…. It was hard accepting she wasn't coming back…but she…it's harder t accepting she did…"

Remus Lupin turned and wrapped his arms around his friend. James Potter was a strong man, but there were moments when he needed this. Especially moments like these ones. Sirius gave James a gentle glare and finally asked him "Do you still love _her_?'"

"I…." He was at a loss of words.

Remus seemed to understand better the situation and after glaring at Sirius he explained, "It isn't so easy Padfoot, everything is different now…."

"Well _it_ shouldn't " said Sirius quietly.

* * *

"A four death eater team broke into one office of the French Ministry of Magic. The place did research into dark arts, specifically potions. "Adam Thompson told his team.

"What were they after?" asked Jared Cauldwell

"They took four vials containing strains of magically manipulated Ebola. The 5th was damaged during the heist, infecting one of the team members…" explained Adam

"The death eater they're questioning?" John Graham inquired

"Yes, Rodolphus Lestrange." Adam answered

"And the French just _handed_ him over to us?" Lily asked surprised

"Apparently they share our desire to learn more about Voldemort" Adam chuckled

"Wait, if he was infected how are we bringing him in?" Susan asked.

"The manipulated ebola was just at stage 2, and that isn't enough to kill someone. They have a counter potion for stage 1 and 2. He was a lucky bastard" Adam said smiling "Now, we have a task in hand. Everybody go, except for Lily I need to talk to you, the rest knows what to do, I want it all by 5 in my desk."

Except for him and Lily the others left the room. Adam motioned her to sit across him. Lily had no idea what possibly he could want. He didn't said a word and just stared at her. Lily found this extremely uncomfortable, but was able to notice how handsome he looked today. His blue eyes looked intense and his hair felt just on his eyes making him all sexy. Lily snapped back to reality, and soon after Adam did the same and apologised immediately"I'm sorry about that, I just got distracted it happens to me sometimes. By the way you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen"

This obviously caused Lily to blush a deep shade of red and she smiled, thanking himfor the compliment. "So I wanted to talk to you about this task. There are going to be people from the Minister's office, and Dumbledore wants you to be one of the aurors present in the interrogation. And you should also do some research on him and prepare questions"

"Ok. I will. Anything else?"

"On another matter, more personal. I was wondering if you would like to go out with me soemtime. You know to grab a cup of coffee or something. What do you think?"

"Maybe…I don't know"

"Is just coffee, besides we're team mates. Don't you think?" he asked giving her a warm charming smile that Lily just couldn't resist. "Coffee sounds good and if you add some cake toit, itsounds even better"

"Then we have a deal Lily"

"More like a date I hope" she said grinning and left his office with a big smile plastered on her face.

* * *

"The head auror thought it would be best bringing two teams for the mission, so Potter's team will be joining us" said Adam Thompson to his team. At the sound of his name, Lily went blank. This was the last thing she needed. She had been avoiding him since their encounter in Hogwarts. Moments after this James Potter walked in followed by his team. He shook hands with Adam and they talked about something apart from the rest of the crowd.

Lily looked at the two men talking until James left again the room. Adam joined the crowd and Lily just sat there waiting. Then she remembered she had left something at her office. Lily went to retrieve it. She walked through her office; she was obviously having problems to find it. Finally she grabbed a file and left the office, as she walked round the corner she saw James and Alexis. They noticed her, and she had to put on a brave face and smile back.

The couple approached her and James was the first to speak "Hi" he said formally.

"Hi" Lily said back. James was tense, well for that matter everyone was. They started walking toward the conference room, until James spoke again "You've already met Alexis"

"Yes"

"Hi" said Alexis

"Hello, again." said Lily all business like. And then there was an uncomfortable silence growing between them. They heard footsteps and Lily turned to see Sirius. All three of them stopped outside the conference room.

"Lily" said Sirius

"Sirius…. hi"

"Uh, listen, Danielle wanted me to give you this" he said handing her a box "It has pictures from Hogwarts, and things that she thought you might want to have" Lily took the box and looked over at Alexis with an embarrassed smile. The look on her face when she turned back to Sirius said she wished that he wasn't doing this in front of James and Alexis.

"I think she also dropped some new things you might like. You know pictures of hot guys for potential dates" James didn't look amused at his comment. "Whatever, we are having dinner next Friday, all three of you are invited"

"Thank you" said Lily. Lily fingered the box uncomfortably, Alexis looked tensely at Sirius, and James was glaring at him. Sirius leaned toward them as if he was telling a secret and said with a singsong voice "Awkward!"

James shook his head slightly as if to say, _"Now is not a good time…"_ Lily looked that James was getting angry so she said "Sirius could you leave this at my office, I have a meeting"

"Oh sure, see you guys later" he took the box from Lily and left. Then the three of them entered the room. A second later the head auror with other two persons entered the conference room. He directed to Adam and started talking. Everyone else took a seat and remained silent Lily noticed that Alexis took a seat too and didn't leave the room. Mr. Potter gave some final instructions to Adam and soon after left the room with the two men.

Adam assembled his team and approached to Lily. "We need to talk some final touches with James and the ministry officer who's going in with you to do the interrogation" They walked towards James and Adam seemed a little bit surprised when he saw Alexis.

"Alexis?" Adam asked. "You must be kidding, right?"

"Actually no, she is not" said James firmly "I'm the ministry officer" she said afterwards and smirked at her brother.

Adam threw her a sarcastic smile and just shook his head. "Well, Lily will be working with you to do the interrogation and something else has come to our knowledge. A group of death eaters is planning to release Lestrange. Apparently he has made contact with his brother."

"Do we have any idea of how many?" asked James.

"Not yet, but we're sure that Bellatrix and Rabastan will be on the team. A team of local aurors was ordered to surveille him."

"If we're going to grab Bellatrix, I'd like to be on that team" Lily said immediately.

"It isn't our intention to grab her" said Adam and Lily's eyes widened at this news. She couldn't believe it.

"The ministry believes we may learn more about the Death eaters by tracking their movements in hope they will lead us to He-who-must-not-be-named"

Lily wasn't thrilled with this plan and it showed on her face. "That's…fine in theory, except that I guarantee that within five minutes we will have lost them. It's happened before"

"You know, within the last two years, our surveillance capabilities have become far more sophisticated."

"I may have missed a lot in the last two years…I mean, quite a bit…but the fact that they are death eaters who have killed innocent people and they are key players in Voldemort's plan indicates it is necessary…."

But Alexis started to speak over Lily "As I was going to explain to you" Adam was starting to look uncomfortable with the developments between Lily and Alexis "the security in our facilities has increased dramatically, now we have…."

Lily cut Alexis off and started to get angry "All the spells in the world can't and won't fix our problem. It's the people we need to stop!….."James was looking _really _uncomfortable now. "I'm familiar with the strategy you're suggesting, it's been employed by the ministry before, when the first attacks of Voldemor happenedt" many people flinched when they heard the name "and I saw that…." Even the other aurors were now looking uncomfortably between the two women.

Alexis cut off Lily, she was pretty heated now "The risks you are describing have already been factored into our analysis, we've studied reports and analysed the causes of failure…."

"But it's still theory you can't tell me you really think that ishow it works. So, do me a favour, and don't revise reports that I lived through!"

"All right, enough" James yelled. "Right now Rodolphus is under custody and we want to keep it that way. Capturing one death eater or two or three, while it might put a smile on my face, will do nothing to shut down Voldemort"

Lily looked down, not happy but quiet for the moment. Alexis also was quiet, wasassessing Lily unhappily.

"For the moment, as Potter said he is under custody. Lily, you, Jared and John will go in along with Mrs. Potter. The rest of us will prepare the surveillance operation. Am I right Potter?"

"Yes" James said. Then he spoke to everyone else in the room "There have been some changes, we leave in an hour"

Alexis stalked out of the conference and turned around the corner into a hallway, James followed her close behind, it was obvious from the look on her face that Alexis was really riled up from her confrontation with Lily.

"I hate her!" Alexis fumed

"Just remember, she's been through a lot." Said James. Alexis turned and stopped. James stopped as well facing her. James defending Lily didn't made Alexis any happier.

"I came here trying not to say the wrong thing, trying to imagine what it's like for her…. I am done!" she said angrily "Lily Evans is self righteous and arrogant!"

"She just lost two years of her life." James tried.

"Was she any nicer two years ago? Because she's the most condescending person I have ever met!"

"I understand why you have a problem with her." James tried to calm her down.

"No… _she's_ the one with the problem! I'm not going to apologise because I remember the last 24 months, or because I'm married to the man that _I_ love!" this comment surprised James

"You're reacting emotionally".

"No, I'm reacting intelligently, as I expected Lily to. She's been gone two years, you'd think she'd _listen_ to someone instead of talking all over them! She's horrible!" Alexis answered

James moved closer, and took hold of Alexis' gently by both forearms "Okay, stop" and he let her go "This was Lily's first mission. Give her a minute! I mean, the way things are, no one would blame you if the two of you hated each other… But I actually believe that you'll end up respecting her… you might even like her."

Alexis appeared to be considering what James had said. Her anger had been diffused. James leaned in and kissed her lightly on the mouth. "Just remember that I love _you _" and Alexis smiled.

Down in the conference room. Lily was sitting working on something when she was approached by Adam.

"So how do you think it went?" he asked with a warm smile.

"Wonderful" Lily said sarcastically.

"Don't worry, she's just like that. She's always been" Adam assured her. "She loves her work and likes to be right all the time"

"Do you know her?" Lily asked intrigued. Adam laughed at this. "Yeah, she's my sister" Lily looked surprised but after a moment she remembered that when they were introduced she had told her, that her maiden name was Thompson. She had never imagined she was related to Adam. But she also remembered she said that she had attended Beauxbatons. "How come? You went to Hogwarts, she went to Beauxbatons."

"Long story….well actually no. Our parents split when we were young. I lived with my dad and she lived with my mom in France. My mom is french. We saw each other at Christmas and in summer vacation."

"It must have been pretty hard" Lily said

"It was better though. Well anyway don't worry, you'll find a way." He assured her.

* * *

"I am going to make some changes" said Mr. Potter "John and Jared are going with you Adam and James is going with Lily and Alexis. That should be enough "I don't want to waist more time. Adam come with me." he said and turned to the other three "Is _everything _clear?"

Lily still was not thrilled, but she nodded. James looked pretty unthrilled about his father's idea of a mission with Lily and Alexis but nodded also. Mr. Potter walked out of the room followed by Adam. Lily, James and Alexis were literally standing in a triangle. Lily was looking at James, James was looking at his dad's and Adam's retreating backs, and Alexis was looking down.

* * *

Rodolphus looked over at Lily, clearly shocked. "It can't possibly be you mudblood…."

"Don't start this conversation by acting surprised that I'm alive" Lily said

"Always so aggressive, really hot but too bitchy and tainted too" Rodolphus smirked, and he was punched by James on the jaw."Don't get me started" James warned him.

Rodolphus laughed out loud "Feels just like old times" then he turned to see Alexis and laughed out loud. "I missed you little mudblood during the last months. I really have." He said seductively and James clenched his fists again.

"You son of a bitch! Voldemort did something to me, I think you know why.…" Rodolphus just laughed out loud.

"You have no idea where you've been for the last two years." He asked amused. Lily din't answer.

"None?" he asked again and Lily gave him a dirty look. Rodolphus let out a short laugh.

"Unbelievable!" and he snickered again "I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh, it's just...I'm speechless"

"You know it would be best if you cooperated Mr. Lestrange" Alexis said.

" And if you won't…….I am obliged to extract immeasurable pain from you the moment you are no longer a valuable source for the ministry. Personally, I hope you don't help us out…" said James.

Someone knocked and Jared Cauldwell appeared, he told something to Alexis and she stood up. "I hope that when we return you will talk"

"Potter….you know, I remember how _close_ you were with Evans" Rodolphus said. Lily gave Rodolphus a really dirty look. "I'm sure you like having her back as well as _I _surely do"

Alexis looked down. Rodolphus remark had hit a nerve with James, it showed on his face, because his expression hardened.

"We'll be back" he said nastily. James shoved himself out of his chair and stalked out of the room, with his hand on Alexis back. Lily looked disgusted with Lestrange. She got up and left. Rodolphus looked supremely pleased with himself…very Cheshire catlike…as if he knew something he wasn't telling.

* * *

Lily was rereading the file. When she looked up and realised someone was standing next. It was Alexis.

"Do you mind?" Alexis asked politely

"Of course not" Lily said and moved a file folder off the seat next to her. Alexis sat. They sat for a second in silence, both looking very uncomfortable.

"This is a difficult situation for all of us. I thought…I'm not sure how exactly, but I thought we should at least acknowledge that." Alexis started

Lily made eye contact and then looked down. Alexis looked down also.

"No one would blame us if we hated each other…but I hope that doesn't happen." Alexis said.

Lily looked uncomfortable, trying to hold it together "I don't hate _you_….or _James_" Alexis gave Lily a tiny smile "That's what makes it so difficult" Lily sighed heavily, and looking down at her lap again.

Lily and Alexis looked as if they were about to start a conversation when an alarm went on and James came up behind them running.

"Death Eaters. Attack" was all he said. Both women reacted to this new. Lily looked resigned and knew this would happen. Alexis looked shocked, then worried.

"Lily come with me, Alexis inform the ministry" and with that the two of them left.

Lily and James turned the corner and two death eaterswere headingtoward them. They start firing hexes. Lily saw that there were approximately nine death eaters. But just about 7 aurors.

"Lily get Lestrange" Adam commanded. Lily ran through the corridor. She tried to open the door but it was jinxed _"Alohomora"_ weak Lily thought. She pushed open the door. There was Lestrage lying on the table, and a gray haired man was performing some magic oh him. Lily knew assumed he was a healer because of the light his wand was emmitting, it was a healing spell.

"Stop right there" Lily said pointing his wand to Lestrange who was her primary concern. The man threw a spell "_Crucio_" Lily dodged it but it gave time to Lestrange to get on his feet and the man gave him his wand._ "Crucio!"_ the man yelled and missed again. Rodolphus saw the two of them and left the room. Lily turned to follow him but the man got her with cruciatus curse. Lily fought the curse, but felt a too familiar sensation. She felt as if he had hit her before.

She fought it completely and struck the man with a paralysis' charm. He smiled and started to speak "You kept your promise. You said you would come back for me" Lily was shocked "You were my favorite….." Lily's mouth dropped open. "You never broke"

Lily suddenly realised this doctor knew her, and had something to do with her lost time. She lowered her wand and rushed over to him.She grabbed him by the lapels and shook him.

"Who the hell are you? What are you talking about? Why...why did Voldemort took two years of my life?" she yelled.

"_Avada Kedavra!_" Lily heard Rodolphus yell from the door aiming at the healer. The man made eye contact with her the moment the curse reached his chest. Lily turned but Lestrange wasn't there anymore, she put her hand over her mouth, gasping and sobbing.

* * *

**A/N:**That was chapter 4 sorry for the delay. First I didn't had time to write and then I got sick, really sick like for 3 weeks ,almost four now. I'm good now, but still. I hope you enjoyed reading and if not still please let me know and REVIEW!

What I wanted this chapter to show, is that Alexis isn't just some stupid bimbo, or cold hearted bitch. At this point she doesn't even hate Lily, she just feels threatened. Also James and Lily can be immature when expressing how they feel or talking to friends, but they are very professional-intelligent like in their work.

And I have a question, is it Lupin or Lupine? I don't know…..

This time I can't promise how fast I'll update, but I'm on vacation so that should give me more time to write. But if you want to know check out my "page" nobody ever goes there, but I'll post messages to let you know when I post. I also post random things lol.

Lilian85-I take it you like it

lilyhostetler-glad you think so.

Ronnieharry-You're my best friend too. Thanks for encouraging me to write during the past weeks. I love you girly girl.

Bread and Cheese- Thank God I have never been sued. And feel free to make any other suggestions.

MoonShineMagicSsarer- There's a bit of Remus in this chappie. Next, I promise he'll participate more. And he was already part of the plot. Don't worry...you'll have plenty of Lupin

xLuLuLovex-Thanks for accepting! And I already send you that.

darkchocolateimpatience-Keep reading please. Reviews like yours make me happy.

SweetSouthernGal-I think so too. It could have been longer. Maybe my beta can help me with that, But I'm glad you still like it.

banny-You think so? Well please keep reading. Next chapter will have a lot of l/j

Jasu- Yep, it will take a really long time for Lily and James to be together.

nerdysunny- Yeah James immature, but we love him. At least I do. I'm curious to know how you imagined Lily?

Emilyp-Congratulations! You were the only one to figure it out. And I can't tell you if they will go out. For now they just have a "date" but remember Lily doesn't want to date him because he's her boss.

**Ivy**


	5. Torn

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. Check chapter 1, 2 or 3**

**A/N:** I dedicate this chapter to my friend Chely who's my best friend well she's more than that actually……she's my sis! Girl without you I'll be lost. I really appreciated what you wrote to me on my birthday and you know by all means it's reciprocal!

* * *

_Lily suddenly realised this doctor knew her, and had something to do with her lost time. She lowered her wand and rushed over to him. She grabbed him by the lapels and shook him._

_"Who the hell are you? What are you talking about? Why...why did Voldemort took two years of my life?" she yelled._

"_Avada Kedavra!" Lily heard Rodolphus yell from the door aiming at the healer. The man made eye contact with her the moment the curse reached his chest. Lily turned but Lestrange wasn't there anymore, she put her hand over her mouth, gasping and sobbing._

**Chapter 5 – Torn**

_When we were lovers  
We were kissers  
__We were holders of hands  
__We were make believers  
__Just losing time  
__(Still in love song-The Stills)_

James found the room where Rodolphus had been, set on fire. He could see two bodies on the floor, one was lifeless and the second one was bleeding. He ran and saw the bleeding one was Lily's, she had been stabbed in the back (a/n: can't get too much of that right _James?_), parts of her exposed skin had been burnt, and her pulse was very weak. He took her immediately in his arms and carried her, he felt numb, and she was barely conscious. He passed several people and he vaguely heard them call his name.

He found an empty office and placed her in a couch, by looking at her he could tell she was in a great deal of pain. In James' face pain showed too. He was trying to hold it together, trying to be strong for her, but his eyes told, she was affecting him.

Soon after, Adam appeared in the office and was almost as affected as James, no words were needed and he flew out in search of help.

Lily stirred and tried to sit down. James helped her but she still didn't talk "Lily?" he said in a soft whisper.

Lily turned to look at him with tears gathered in her eyes. "Why….are you doing this?" she whispered, pained and grieving. She was trying not to cry in front of him. And the answer he gave her wasn't what she was expecting but was what she wanted.

With eyes full of pain, grief, sorrow and love (a/n: yes love!) and a soft, honest and increasingly emotional voice he said "What happened between us…everything…the way it is…isn't anyone's fault, Lily. And even though everything's changed…" he shook his head slightly. He looked so full of emotions, but pained, grief stricken and at the same time loving "….some things don't"

Lily bit, her lip, looked intensely at him, and tears were about to roll down her cheeks. James had the same intent look on his face.

"I'm not going to lose you twice" James choked up.

Lily closed her eyes. Hearing all this hurt so much…..but at the same time it was good nonetheless. For the first time, she knew that he still loved her, that she still was important to him. He could've simply said she was a fellow auror, but he didn't. She looked up at him, tears overflowing, and searched his face, as if looking for confirmation that he had meant what he said.

And she got what she wanted. James stood up and sat next to her. He embraced her closing his eyes. When she felt this, she buried her head in his chest, closing her eyes too. They lied for a moment there.

Until James opened his eyes and noticed she was already unconscious………

* * *

Adam was pacing at St. Mungo's hall, looking nervous and serious. He saw Sirius and Danielle walking towards him, and both looked very preoccupied.

"How is she?" asked immediately Danielle.

"I don't know, the healers are still inside"

"This can't be happening…." sobbed Danielle. Sirius wrapped an arm around her, and both went to sit down. Adam followed them and sat too.

Then a very tired, numb looking James came out from the door, he didn't spoke a word and instead just sat down, face on his hands. The other three stood up to listen to the healer.

"She's still unconscious, with a very weak pulse. We have to wait and hope the wounds and the burns heal" explained the healer.

"How long?" asked Danielle scared.

"Unfortunately I can't say, it could be a couple of hours for her to wake up. But the healing process could take weeks. The fire must have been magically started, because the burns won't heal. The same goes for the wounds. Dark magic."

"Can we go in?" Sirius inquired

"Only for ten minutes, then one person needs to stay with her all night" Sirius and Adam turned to look to each other, and the healer left.

"I can stay with her, so you can take Danielle to get some rest" suggested Adam. James turned to look at Adam, and if looks could kill, Adam would have been six feet underground.

"It won't be necessary, I will" he said in harsh tone.

"Are you sure?" asked Sirius

"Yes" he said shooting daggers through his eyes. Adam didn't seem too happy about the idea, and he showed it. In that moment and just in time Remus Lupine joined the group, he had cached some of the things the doctor had said. He seemed to catch up pretty quick, noticing the tension.

After greeting Danielle he took James by the arm "Well you three should go inside, James and I are going to the cafeteria, do you want something Danielle?". Danielle just shook her head and James left with Remus while Adam, Sirius and Danielle entered the room.

When they arrived to the cafeteria, Remus addressed James "Prongs, you should go home. I'll stay with Lily"

"No" he said and continued walking he ordered a cup coffee and then Remus did the same. They returned to the room and both decided to wait outside. James kept pacing and was driving Sirius crazy, so he decided to try again. He faced James and stopped him.

"Prongs you need to go home, _now _you can't stay here. Alexis is worried" Remus tried.

"I can't leave, not now. I can't afford to…I just can't" James said. Remus couldn't find something to say, so he just hugged James, and waited for the others to come. James was very stubborn and there was no way someone would convince him of leaving without Lily being okay.

* * *

Lily was lying in her bed, still unconscious. When she started to stir and finally opened her eyes. She looked to her right, and let out a little sigh. James was leaning on his elbow; head in hand, asleep in the chair next to Lily's bedside.

"James…" she whispered. James stirred and opened his eyes to stare at Lily in almost disbelief.

"Hi…."she whispered again.

"Oh my…"James said. Lily looked happy and relieved to see him. He got up from his seat to sit on the bed next to her.

"Lily….." he said breathless with worry. Lily almost smiled. "Where am I?" she asked.

James looked stricken and shook his head lightly. "You're home"

Lily nodded, and a ghost smile played at her mouth. Love radiated from James' eyes, and both remained silent while sharing a _moment_.

"What happened?" she suddenly asked.

"You were stabbed….remember? Back at the French Ministry" Lily looked down trying to remember and the scenes started to replay in her mind.

"_Avada Kedavra!" Lily heard Rodolphus yell from the door aiming at the healer. The man made eye contact with her the moment the curse reached his chest. Lily turned but Lestrange wasn't there anymore, she put her hand over her mouth, gasping and sobbing._

_Lily kneeled next to he death man, and cried silently. This man had something to do with her lost memory. And he could have been her only chance to learn the truth. Why? Was all she could ask, she had never felt so helpless and angry before. Which obviously lead her to one of the greatest mistakes an auror can make. She was so troubled that she didn't noticed the woman entering the room. Neither did she felt her presence behind her. It was until she felt the knife being pushed inside the first time. But it was too late. The attacker was fast, and he stabedd her several times, leaving lying on the floor.Lily could barely roll to see her attacker._

_Standing a feet away was Bellatrix Black smirking at her." I hadn't seen you in months. We've been looking for you"_

"_What… are you talking about?You…know what happened" she gasped._

"_So you don't remember?Too bad. Anyway consider this a warning, next time I will kill you" And she started to walk away, but turned for a moment "And just so you know, you had a girll"_

She looked back to his face, and her eyes were practically brimming with tears. She felt like her would explode in any second. At least now she knew she had gave birth and just next to her was James looking at her with a worried, concerned and loving expression on his handsome face. Lily felt like telling him but refrained herself because she knew it wouldn't do any good.

James raised his hand to cup the side of Lily's face tenderly and said, "I was so afraid I'd lost you" Lily was barely holding back tears as his hand caressed her face. James smiled tenderly and love kept radiating from his eyes.

"Not knowing if I'd ever see you again made me realise how much I miss you" he swallowed and the pain mixed in with the love in his eyes. Lily looked as if she couldn't believe he had said that.

"I miss you too" Lily sobbed.

"You do?" asked James more emotional now. Lily stared deeply into his hazel eyes while she nodded. The pain, love and longing in his eyes were palpable. Lily raised her head from the pillow and looked at his lips for a fleeting moment, she leaned slightly toward him before pulling back. Her eyes were so full of love for him. It was obvious she was struggling against these emotions, trying not to give in to what she wanted, because she knew he was not hers anymore. James was full of the same emotions and had a similar reaction. He stared at her lips and leaned slightly forward, wanting so badly to kiss her…He waited, he didn't make the final move. Love and pain blended so seamlessly in Lily's face. Then she swallowed, and she pulled back from him slightly, sobbing, nodding slowly, as if saying, _"I wanted to, too…."_

"Thank you for being here" Lily said in a choked whisper. James straightened up. Pain blossomed on his face. He knew Lily had been right in pulling back, but part of him hadn't wanted her to.

"No problem" Lily tried to handle her emotions, sobbing quietly and blinking back her tears. James straightened, schooling his features to be strong for her. She saw this and smiled sadly.

* * *

Lily had been awake for a couple of hours now. Remus, Sirius and Danielle had joined now. Lily was still in bed. Danielle was sitting in a chair next to Lily's head. Next to her was Sirius. And James and Remus were in chairs on either side of the foot of the bed.

"Moony will back me up on this, I swear" James commented. "This is a true and hilarious story, I swear"

"Oh no, don't start" Sirius whined.

"It was back in our 6th year, her name was Melissa Scavo, and she was a 7th year" Remus stated.

"And for like a months, Padfoot here was obsessed with her…." James commented "He wanted her to have his children" added Remus. And both Danielle and Lily were amused. Sirius just kept his head in his hands, shaking it constantly.

"The problem was that she only dated blondes……literally" said James laughing.

"A girl should have her standards," said Lily smiling at Sirius.

"So he decided to work his _charms _on her, and ask her to the next Hogsmeade weekend" Remus laughed.

"Hey but how, if she just liked blondes?" asked Danielle.

"Mr. Black over there decided to use a wig" said James and burst out laughing.

"Really?" asked the two girls at the same time giggling.

"Marauder's honor" said James raising his hand.

"So what happened?" asked Lily between laughter.

"Disaster…" said Remus laughing

"Embarrassment would describe it better" laughed James.

"Aww poor baby" cooed Danielle

"The wig was misplaced and fell just when he asked her and everybody who was near burst out laughing, it was hilarious. You should've seen the girl's face. She was terrified" said James

"But Padfoot's face was priceless, I have never seen him so red!"Remus said grinning.

"A simple hair charm could've done the work Sirius" said Lily between laughs. Sirius just kept glaring at Remus and James, obviously embarrassed at the memory and mad that they had to bring it up. Danielle noticed this and kissed him lightly "I'm sure you look handsome too when you are blonde" Sirius smiled and kissed her more passionate.

"Hey get a room," teased Remus "We are on a hospital, geeez". Sirius stucked out his tongue at his friend and pulled Danielle closer to him.

"Don't you two have to get up early?" asked James turning to look at Sirius and Remus.

"How subtle James" said Lily, suddenly she was feeling way better. The past hour had felt as if nothing had changed.

"Yeah man, way to go. But oh well Danielle and I really have to wake up early" said Sirius and got up from his chair, the same did Danielle. "Bye guys, we'll come back tomorrow" Sirius saw a huge opportunity as he saw the scene. "Hey Remus do you mind coming with us?"

"What for?" asked Remus confused. Sirius gave him a look and he took the hint. "Oh…yeah right I need some coffee." He lied and went with the couple.

James smiled as he reached forward, and Lily took his hand and they smiled at each other.

* * *

"I can't believe you…and I just did that" exclaimed Remus "we should….oh I don't know…it isn't like were in Hogwarts Sirius. This a marriage not just some stupid relationship."

"Don't worry nothing will happen" Danielle assured Remus

"Well I wouldn't count on that. Did you saw the looks they were throwing to each other? Prongs was all over her, it had been a long time since I had seen Lily smile or Prongs for that matter." Sirius said smirking.

"I know but after all the bond they shared or share was s_omething_," said Remus as an afterthought.

"On a second thought I think you should go back Remus, now" said Danielle clearly worried of what those two could do. Danielle and Sirius left and Remus went back thinking about the two in question, when he saw a woman walking in the same direction. The woman was non-other than Alexis.

"Hey Alexis!" Remus said. Alexis looked over her shoulder and then slowed down, allowing Remus to catch up with her.

"Remus, hi" she said politely. She didn't look too happy at the moment.

"Lily's awake," Remus piped up.

"So I heard. That's why I'm here. I need to have a word with her" She said all business like.

"I'll walk you to her room. So does your visit has to do with Ministry issues?" asked Remus. He liked Alexis but not as much as he liked Lily. And right now he didn't like a bit Alexis' attitude at all.

"I have to write a full report of the past events. And I need to talk to_ her _and to James" she said more serious this time. Remus decided to let the chit chat die there. She wasn't in the mood, and what she was about to find wasn't going to improve it a bit.

Alexis rounded the corner and when she was about to open the door, she looked up through the window and her hand dropped. James was sitting on the side of Lily's bed, leaning close to her. He kissed her tenderly on the forehead, staying there for a moment. Lily put her arm up to softly touch his forearm. James whispered something and Lily just smiled and whispered something back. Remus was looking at the whole scene behind Alexis, and wasn't as surprised as her or pained. James brushed a lock of hair off of Lily's forehead. Lily had James' other hand clasped against her chest, looking up at her. As Lily was still holding James' hand. Her other hand had came up to clasp his forearm. James started to lean down…and Alexis looked down and away unable to react, but Remus opened the door startling and interrupting the _couple._

James looked at the door and he noticed Alexis walking away. He immediately got up and ran after her. Leaving Lily confused, dejected and hurt.

* * *

"Alexis wait!" he yelled. Alexis totally ignored and continued to walk away and dissapparated. James stopped and ran a hand through his hair. What had he done? He thought for a moment where she could be, and he decided to go home.

James apparated into the living room, and he found all the lights off, and their flat completely silent. Maybe she had gone to her mom's, yeah that was more likely. Now he would have to go all the way there.

He decided to change first; after all it had been a couple of days since he had been in the hospital. When he turned the bedroom light, he was stunned to find Alexis sitting on their bed. She looked rather dejected. She stood and walked to him. She had clearly been crying, and right now it seemed as if she was trying as hard as she could to hold back. She locked her gaze on his as if waiting for an explanation. She was obviously not going to talk first.

"I'm sorry" James said after a moment it was all he could think of.

"I'm sorry?" Alexis asked incredibly "For what part exactly James?" James stared at her unable to response. Guess sorry wasn't going to do it. Damn what the hell was he supposed to say.

"Merlin James, you haven't come home in days because you wanted to be there with _her._ I go to you and I find you like _that_…. What am I supposed to think!" she exclaimed, and at the same time released the tears she had been holding. James took a step closer. And embraced her, she fought him(A/N: think of the video of Confessions II of Usher, but James is not kneeling.), but finally she gave in and started crying out in the open.

"That I was a jerk, a complete jerk. But that I want to be with_ you, _I am really sorry, please forgive me" whispered James.

"I love you," she sobbed.

"I love you too" And for a moment it didn't feel completely right but as she looked up to him and kissed him. Everything was okay and back to normal.

* * *

"Why didn't she kill me Professor? It was like she was ordered not to," said Lily thinking.

"I'm not completely sure for what, but Voldemort must need you alive. Still it doesn't make sense. You escaped from them"

"So, that means there's a possibility that Voldemort is not the one responsible for your lost memory," said Remus.

"Exactly" said Dumbledore "Is there anything else?" Lily looked down and her features became hard. Of course there was more, she had been thinking about it since she had woke up _"And just so you know, you had a girll"_

"Actually there is Bellatrix slipped something about _the baby_" Lily stated carefully.

"What baby?" asked Remus confused. Dumbledore looked at Lily at she just nodded.Still her old headmaster looked unsure so she decided to leave it clear.

"It's okay professor he needs to know, besides he already know about the English ambassador right?"

"About that, the investigation status has changed. Apparently they found a second witness a wizard this time. Lily you didn't kill the man you attacked his killer" he said more softly. Lily smiled at this and felt relieved. "I'll fill you in with the details later. Professor I left you a copy of the file, Lily you can have one if you like"

"I'd appreciate that Remus. So back to where we were. Remus I was pregnant two years ago. The day I was supposedly killed I just had found out". Remus was shocked "As you already know I don't remember a thing, now I know that I actually gave birth to a girl thanks to Bellatrix"

"Does James know? "Asked Remus

"No and I prefer it that way. Please" Remus looked doubtful but he nodded. Then after digesting the news he spontaneously hugged Lily out of the nothing. This new piece of information clearly explained Lily's attitude in some way. And he knew he needed to have a serious talk with James.

"So I've been looking through some books, and I found a couple of spells that could've done the work. I'll show them to you, the things is that most of these have to be prepared with a great deal time. They are very complicated spells that only a very powerful and wise wizard or witch could've performed them" explained Remus

"Dark magic?" asked Lily

"Not entirely, but all of them are forbidden now a day" said Remus.

"Do they have a counterpart?" asked Dumbledore

"Two of them do, but I found 5 possible." Dumbledore examined Remus closely and then Lily afterwards. He seemed thoughtful for a moment and then continued. "Lily, I'll study those spells. But I need you to be patient and you must not obsess yourself with this okay."

"I know, is just that..."Lily started but she saw something in Dumbledore that she didn't quite like. He didn't seem as eager as she was into finding out what had happened. He was all calmed, well Dumbledore was always like that. She dismissed the thought and suddenly Danielle interrupted them.

"Professor everybody's here" she said and gave Lily a little smile.

"We should get going" the Headmaster said leading the way out of the room. As soon as the table was visible Lily spotted him. She hadn't talked to him or seen him for that matter since the day he had ran out after Alexis.

Lily took her usual seat; _usual since she had returned of course her normal seat would've been next to James, _right she needed to stop thinking about how it used to be. It wasn't like that anymore for Merlin's sake. Adam welcomed her with a warm smile and as the charming gentleman he was he pulled her seat out for her. Lily appreciated the gesture and returned him the smile.

But someone wasn't very comfortable with this display, oh no, how dare he. What if he was her boss there was no need for those stupid smiles or gestures from him. James was an unhappy man at the moment. _When did it get this unbearable? _He thought. **W_ell how about when you decided to open yourself to her_**, the little voice in his head answered. _I didn't opened…did I_? _**No of course you didn't, you just almost kissed her. **That's all better. _Damn for being arguing with himself, he hadn't paid any attention to what his father was saying. He hadn't looked at her all night, and when he decided to she saw she had been staring at him but her expression was totally unreadable.

_**Way to go Lily**. I know stupid men why do they have to look when you're looking .**I don't think men are precisely your problem. **Why do I care, he's married. **Keep telling yourself that.** I have more important things to think of. **Yeah right. **Shut up I do. **Non-James related things? **Well…._ Damn she needed to listen.

After the meeting was officially over, most of the younger members decided to stay for a while and talk. Adam used this as an opportunity to talk to Lily. Of course he had seen a lot of her at work since she had come back but he hadn't been alone with her all week.

"Hey" said Adam joining Natasha, Lily, Danielle and Alice. Natasha turned to see who it was at smiled at him.

"Hey you" Natasha said.

"Hi ladies" he said charmingly. He really had it with him. How had Lily never noticed him at Hogwarts? Men like him were hard to find, and Hogwarts wasn't the exception. Sure she had been besotted with _him. _But that was until 7th year, **_correction it was until 7th year you gave him a chance, but your feelings for him go way back…._**Then as Lily watched absentmindedly the conversation between her friends and Adam. She remembered the first time she had seen him.

_Lily gave both of her parents one last hug, and walked towards the train. Leaving home and her parents made her a little bit sad. Her sadness was nothing compared to excitement and nervousness she was feeling right now. She entered the Hogwart's Express and as she passed the compartments she was getting more nervous. Every compartment she had looked so far was occupied. Then at last and almost at the end of the train she found a compartment that sounded empty. She opened the door and entered pushing her trunk in and when she looked up, she found a boy about her age sitting there and looking bored._

"_Sorry, I thought it was empty" she said and headed outside again pulling the heavy trunk out. _

"_All are occupied" he said, "You can stay if you want to," said the boy. Lily wasn't sure, and she was standing there not knowing what to do next. Then she heard someone opening the door and a girl came in running along with a boy pushing her,which made Lilylose herbalance and fall to the boy's feet. Who instantly started laughing instead of helping her. Lily immediately knew she didn't like this boy, but when she looked up at him as he offered his hand she couldn't help laughing too._

"_James you should've been there" said the second boy laughing. Apparently he hadn't even noticed the girl who just had felt. "It was hilarious". _

"_James Potter" he said grinning completely ignoring the comments of his friend who still was looking outside as if waiting for someone to appear. Lily shook his hand and changed her mind and thought he actually seemed friendly and cute. The raven messy hair along with the spectacles made him look...nice._

"_I'm Danielle Stevens," said the girl smiling extending her hand. Lily shook it and smiled back _

_Then the second boy, who by now had acknowledged her presence, directed himself towards her and extended his hand as well "Sirius Black" he said with such a grace and charm that Lily had thought impossible for an eleven year old. He was also cute. But still she liked more the first boy. He grinned this time at her causing her to blush a little. And Lily thought he looked like happiness, she had never met someone like him._

Little had Lily known back then that what she had defined then as happiness was mere innocence. Of course later Lily had forgot about the happiness in James, and instead Potter turned into arrogance, and pride. Then the most beautiful thing happened and _James_ was back and he was love. Pure and true love. Fairly tale love she daresay...

But now James was far from happiness, arrogance, pride or love. All he represented to Lily was, anger, sadness and sorrow.

* * *

A/N: I turned 17 Friday 8!Maybe no one cares but yay! I love birthdays! My birthdays!Lol

Sorry it took so long But I had some trouble getting it done you know? Sometimes character refuse to co-operate with you! Hopefully I'll post again before going back to school which is August 16.HPHB is finally here, I finished it and is awesome! Yay for the new couples! But it's also sad. I cried can you believe it? I'm such a softie I can't say more cuz it's unfair for those who haven't read it. Please REVIEW! Don't matter if I suck but please let me know.

Thanks to my reviewers! banny, Bread and Cheese, CattyCat, Elspeth Renee, MoonShineMagicSsarer, Ronnieharry and weird-and-wonderful

Ivy


	6. Fall to pieces

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. (Check chapter 1, 2 or 3)**

_And Lily thought he looked like happiness, she had never met someone like him._

_Little had Lily known back then that what she had defined then as happiness was mere innocence. Of course later Potter had turned into arrogance and pride. But then the most beautiful thing happened and James was back, and he was love. Pure and true love. Fairly tale love she daresay._

_But now James was far from happiness, arrogance, pride or love. All he represented to Lily was, anger, sadness and sorrow._

**Chapter 6 – Fall to pieces**

Tonight the music seems so loud  
I wish that we could lose this crowd  
Maybe, it's better in this way  
We'd hurt each other, with the things we want to say  
We could have been so good together  
We could have lived, this dance forever  
But now, who's gonna dance with me?

(Careless whispers-WHAM)

"So how is Lily?" asked Remus turning to look at James "I haven't seen her since the last meeting"

"I don't know, everyone is worried about her. Nelle thinks she's keeping something from her. And from the times I have talked to her it does feel that she keeps something" said Sirius as an after thought

"What could it be?" asked Remus

"It obviously has to do with James, after all he's the one keeping her this upset" said Sirius turning to his friend.

"Padfoot…." warned Remus. James just kept looking down, well he was but it was killing him too. Why could nobody see how much he was hurting too.

"It's true you have been so cold since she got back. In the meetings you barely even look at her. It kills her, the way you treat her" And it killed him too, destroyed him, seeing the woman that had been the light of his life darken so much. What was he supposed to say to those acussations.

"Padfoot…." warned Remus once again although a little bit louder.

"I'm your best friend but you're a jerk". He said angrily. James just clenched his fists got up "FINE!" and he dissapparated

**

* * *

**

"So, Lindsay will be staying here with you?" asked Danielle while looking at some pictures.

"Yeah" said Lily from the kitchen "Tash is doing the same, so it sounded completely reasonable. I still can't believe I've got to buy new dressing robes."

"Sorry for that my parents are just….urgh you know them. All has to be perfect. Sirius and I wanted to keep it small. But oh no they had to throw a _proper _engagement party for their beloved pureblood daughter" Danielle laughed and kept looking at the photos.

Lily came in from the kitchen carrying two cups of tea. "You'll excuse me but I'm out of biscuits"

"No biscuits, no teapot, no sugar or cream. Merlin Lily. If your mother saw your tea display she would go crazy" said Danielle mockingly and taking a sip from the cup very lady like. Lily sat down in the couch next to her and took her wand and with swish all the photos were now floating in front of them, as if they were pinned on a board. "Have you seen anything you like?".

"Yes" she said and with the wand pointed a couple of them "but being 5 months pregnant, I haven't found anything….suitable" she said laughing.

"Come on Nelle you know that can be arranged, just pick one dress" Danielle stood up looked carefully at the display of pictures marking some of them and getting rid of others, until she ended up with three and showed them to Lily who had caught an eye of two or three very pretty dresses. Still it was painful for her to think of weddings, she felt like just a couple of months ago, she had been planning her own.

"Oh, they're beautiful and very elegant" said Lily examining the three models "Haute couture"

"You know you are my maid of honor right?" asked Nelle. Lily looked surprise for a moment as if she didn't want to, but then she cracked a smile and hugged her friend.

"Of course "she said happily. They hugged "It's like we always planned" Danielle let a happy tear slip and Lily looked concerned.

"I'm all right, I'm just happy that you are here and that you'll be at my wedding you know …"

"Of course. I know" Lily assured her. Of course she knew, hell she couldn't stop thinking about _it_. But afterall Danielle deserved to be happy, at least one of the two could full fill her dreams

"Now you have to help me pick a dress or robes or whatever I am wearing tomorrow night"Lily said trying to change _the subject. _It definetely was becoming harder for her to keep her secret from Nelle. She was afterall like her sister and the only time she had ever tried to hide something from her besides this one, was her passion for James back at Hogwarts and Nelle had noticed almost right a way.

"Are you going solo? Because I heard…"Danielle began

"No I'm not" Lily stated "I'm going with Adam, we had a date planned but then I was in the hospital and through the past two weeks we've been loaded of work so he thought this was our chance"

"Hot, the whole boss-employee, not now or never I thought you would agree Lily" Danielle retorted.

"Well he's nice…" Lily replied innocently.

"Come on Lily stop playing dumb" said Danielle. And Lily started laughing too.

"He's nice and cute and hot" she said turning red.

"I don't know why you are being so modest about it, but serve youself. We should really get going if you still want to find yourself a decent dress. We've got some serious shopping to do" said Danielle standing up and grabbing her purse.

* * *

It was the night of the engagement party and James and Sirius were at James' appartment. They had decided not to talk about the _episoded _and pretend _nothing _had been said.

"So what do you think?" asked Sirius as he looked himself at the mirror smugly. He was wearing blackrobes, his hair gracefully falling over his eyes and a glint in his eyes that made him look young and vivacious. Even James could say he looked really handsome and that was something when talking about Sirius.

"Do I really have to be a part in the increasing of your ego?" asked James as he made a lame attempt in flattening his hair.

"Well I could use some" he said laughing. "Are you done? I don't want to be late. Danielle's parents wanted me to be early"

"Yeah, almost. My parents must be there already and Alexis is meeting me there later she said she had some paperwork to deliver" said James grabbing his wand and checking himself in the mirror once again.

"Oh I forgot to mention you are supposed to dance with Lily" said Sirius casually waiting to see his reaction.

"What!" he turned to Sirius

"It wa Nelle's parents' idea, dont look at me" he said trying to hide a grin from his face. That was such a lie, it was actually his idea and after many complaining's from Nelle and several glares and warnings from Remus he had convinced Nelle to suggest the idea to her parents. Who had loved it.

James didn't say nothing and his face revealed no expression or whatsoever. "Come on Prongs, I'm getting married just face it she won't bite you and I don't think she is eager at dancing with you either"

James still said nothing, one thing was having seeing her but a completely different thing was getting to touch her. Merlin! After the St. Mungos episode he knew that he had to keep his distance. But well he could handle himself for one dance, at least he thought so.

"Are we apparating to Moony's first?"asked James

"No he's picking Kate, we're going directly to the Stevens."said Sirius.And both young men looking handsome and dashing apparated into the wizarding mansion.

As they arrived they could hear a woman screaming, and Sirius knew it was Nelle's mother. Both directed themselves to greet her properly.But she spotted them first.

"Sirius darling.You look stunning and James you cleaned up pretty well. You should go up, Danielle is there" she said hushing them out of the great salon.

"Also Sirius you should consider redoing your tie please. Thanks now go go." And she returned hurriedly to chase a house elf.

"You should consider to stop being so bossy" Sirius mimicked her "Geez that woman"

James just laughed and both went upstairs. They reached Nelle's bedroom adn when they opened it she was sitting in front of the vanity table. She was wearing a long strapless black glittering dress. And her hairn was pinned in a very elegant pony tail.

"Beautiful" said Sirius stunned.

"Finally you're here, Hi James. Have you seen my mother?"

"Yep she sent me upstairs" he said kissing her lightly in the lips, Then he turned to the full lenght mirror and undid his tie. "She also _suggested _me to redo my tie"

"Nelle you look absolutely perfect" James complemented and sat on a chair next to Sirius.

"Thank you James" smiled Danielle while she saw Sirius trying to tie his bowtie and not being particulalrly succesful. She stood up and walked towards him until Sirius saw her reflection behind him. He smiled lamely.

"Here" she placed a hand on his arm, signaling him to turn around."Ugh, geez" he muttered under his breath in frustration. Danielle untied what he had done and started fixing it. As she did she smiled knowingly.

"What?" he said with a hint of laugh on his voice and grinned.

"I was just thinking of the last party we attended here at my house" she said smiling and amused.

Sirius laughed "God that was a good first date" Nelle looked really amused "Yeah it was, when you spilled your drink on Ryan Wood"

"What was I supposed to do? He had been staring down at your dress all night long?" he said grinning.Danielle finished tying his tie, tucking the collar tabs behind it. As she did Sirius' look went serious, realizing all over again why he loved her. She smiled "Look how handsome you are..." she said turning him to the mirror once again.

"Better look how handsome couple we are" he said "Aren't we James?"

"Yeah I daresay the most" answered James winking at the couple. Then the bathroom door opened and Lily emerged.

Her hair was up with soft spiraling tendrils draping near her face. Her dress was a greek inspired dress, deep red, thin spaghetti straps, bareback low cut. She was wearing dangling earrings and her makeup was light but perfect, she was stunningly beautiful.

James jus stared at her speechless at the red headed beauty, Nelle smiled and nodded she looked even better than she had hoped. And Sirius wolf whistled her making her blush.

"Yey Lily. You look drop dead gorgeous"

"Thanks, you look handsome too" she said and turned to James to find him staring at her with an unreadable expression" Hello Potter" she said all buissness like.

"Hello..." he couldn't call her Evans why was she using his surname.

"Ok guys, we have to get down now Sirius or my mother will go bonkers". Nelle nodded to Lily and walked past her along with Sirius out of the room. Lily smiled uncomfortably back at her. When they were gone. She raised her eyes to James. They were both nervous at the prospect of being together, but neither could stop looking at the other. James walked toward her and she turned to fall into step with him. James put up his hand as if he was going to place it on her back to steer her, but he stopped part way and dropped his hand realizing halfway through the gesture that he didn't have the right to touch her that way anymore.

The great salon looked wonderful everything was white and shiny. Mrs. Thompson had immediately harrased them and calling the girls for some opinions. The boys had been saved by Mr. Steven and Danielle's brother, Sean, who were escaping from Mrs. Stevens too.

An hour after, Lily and James found themselves once again faced to each other, but this time alone. Everyone else was being commanded by Mrs. Steven on a different task, theirs was to make sure the arrange of the champagne glasses was perfect.

"This parties can be such a pain in the ass" James said lightly trying to break the ice.

"Yeah especially with Mrs. Stevens behind them" she chuckled. Lily looked at him while he was looking away and starightened her shoulders and sighed telling herself "_Come on, Lily you can do this" _She spotted a house elf holding a tray of champagne glasses and started to walk toward it.

As she walked James turned his head to watch her, finding himself staring at her.She said something and grabbed two glasses of champagne, giving the house elf a brilliant smile.She turned to look at him to found him staring at her. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Lily's face mirrored this and a slow smile spread across her face, touching her eyes. This was a real smile, just for him. Without breaking the gaze a smile started to grow on his face as well. For a fleeting moment somehow time slipped away for them and nothing had changed.

She held out one of the glasses and James took it. The attraction and sexual tension between them was thick and palpable. As James took the glass he looked down, realizing what he had been doing and feeling guilty about it. Lily immediately sensed the change in him and her face hardened slightly. Their gazes met again showing resignation on both. James was the first to look away. Now he was definetely uncomfortable being this close to Lily at the moment. He sipped from his glass of champagne and remembered his own engament party...

_James was talking to his dad, waiting for the bride to be to come down. Even though he was a guy, he was beggining to feel a little bit nervous. After all half the magic community was going to be present tonight and he wasn't sure if he was ready to deal with it. One thing was attending this parties and another was being the reason of the party. Then as he looked up he saw her. She was a vision of white perfection. If she was looking like that at the engagement party, hell he didn't know what to expect for the wedding._

_She smiled nervously, because although she had always been a condifent girl, this was big. James excused himself from his father and walked towards her to meet her right at the bottom of the stairs._

"_You are beautiful...perfect" he breathed so warmly and with such an intense look of honesty and pure love._

"_Don't joke James" she laughed nervously. And James kissed her right there as if sealing his words and make them seem suddenly more true._

"_Lily wil you marry me?" he asked. She laughed "I think I already said yes, that's like the reason we'here"_

"_I'm serious promise me you'll do it, because right now I can't honestly imagine my life without you by my side"_

"_You know James I would never have it other way.And I mean it. I love you too much to leave you ever. Never" she said every word so meaningfully._

And words were what they were. Carried away by the wind. Words that were gone and didn't made any sense anymore. How ironic?James though bitterly and looked at the woman standing next to him.

* * *

"Sorry to break the fun, but Adam I have to take her for a little but" said Danielle at the couple.

"Can't say no?Can I?" he asked sheepisly. "To a pregnant woman who happens to be a bride to be" Lily laughed as if saying that meant a hungarian horntail.

"I thought so" said Adam and kissed Lily in the cheek letting her go.Lily smiled and left with Danielle to meet her parents and James' parents.

"Lily" greeted Christine Potter hugging her tightly and with affection. Lily smiled genuinely at her. She had always appreciated her, and after everything that had happened, she felt somehow happy that Christine hadn't changed her attitude towards her. She seemed to care truly for Lily.Lily extended her hand to greet Mr. Potter but he pulled her into a hug too. Lily felt so much better and she thought that the atmosphere had lighten a bit.

"How is the magazine?" asked Lily "Great, we have been doing really well. Didn't Lindsay told you?"

"I haven't seen much of her lately".

"Oh I understand. You look very pretty today Lily, well you always do to be honest" Christine Poterr said smiling.

"The men of the moment" said Mr. Potter when Sirius and James joined them."Are you ready now love?" asked Sirius

"As ready as I'll ever be" she said smiling charmingly.

"You really got lucky" said Mrs. Potter patting Sirius in the shoulder.

"Yes I did" answered Sirius dreamily.

"We'll be leaving you now" said Mr. Stevens nodding to both couples "Christine, Harold are you coming with us?"

"Sure. Good luck you are great dancers" replied Mr. Potter and nodded to the couples too.

After they left James did the unexpected and he bowed and offered his hand as gentlemanly possible and she accepted. They waited for Danielle and Sirius to go to the center and waited for their turn.

Lily was feeling more distressed as the seconds passed, she had never imagined it would be this hard for her to be at Danielle's engagement party when it felt as if just a couple of months ago she had been at hers.

"Ready" James whispered. Lily nodded and they joined the young couple along with Nelle's parents. And as soon as they touched the dance floor, it was magical suddenly the voices were gone, the faces were gone, it was just them. Looking into each other, drowning into each other, letting time slip by, absorbing the warmth of each other and loving each moment of it.

It was idyllic, no word were needed to express anything. It was perfect and they wanted it to last forever. They were together, but it came to a point where they stopped being two, they were one couple that glided, one couple like no other. One like they had always been. Then James too caught up in the moment allowed himself to touch Lily's face and pull off a strand of her hair, that made Lily come back to reality and instantly pull away from his touch that burn like fire. She looked down and both came to a sudden stop.James looked down and saw the tears in Lily's eyes and that was more than he could take. So he released her and took a step back. Lily taking the cue practically ran to outside the salon.

* * *

An hour or so had passed and Danielle was starting to worry about her friend. Adam hadn't seen her either. Maybe she had gone home, but no Lily couldn't do that to her. Could she? She decided to go outside maybe she was there.

She found her on a bench sitting alone."Lily?"

"I'm sorry" she whispered.

"There's nothing to be sorry, come on. Let's go back. It's freezing out here and you don't even a coat."

"I think I'm going home, I'm not feeling well" she said more composed.

"Nonsense, come with me" said Danielle and she led her to the stairs and to her bedroom.. Natasha and Lindsay were there.

"I am really not feeling well girls, I really have to go, I just need to...get out of here..." Lily blurted.

"I'm sorry about the dance I thought it wasn't such a big deal" said Danielle sadly.

"No don't apologize, I'm being ridiculous, it's was just a dance, right? I'll be fine I just need some space ok?" she said and laughed and a tear escaped her eyes. Her friends were watching her intently."I mean I am just sick... of all... of all of it...sick...simply sick" Natasha reached Lily to hug her but she immediately turned and backed away. Not wanting to fall in front of her friends.She reach the door and turned to her friends "Don't, please don't I just can't do this anymore" Lily begged in a really low voice .

And that was the sign for her three friends to lose it.

Natasha was the first "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT!YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF!" and Lily turned surprised. "She's right Lily I know we don't know or can't even imagine what you are going or went through but we're not going to let you throw yoursefl away like this" said Lindsay agitated. Lily was speechless they had never done this. "SO DON'T YOU GO AND PUSH US AWAY OR SHUT YOURSELF MISSY!" exclaimed Danielle in and angry, laughing crying voice. At this Lily broke into sobs and sat down in bed.

"Let it all out, doesn't matter how long it takes you. We can stay here for hours even days, to the hell with the party!But we're not leaving you. Crying is good but it can't be done all the time" and Danielle hugged her friend and Lily sobbed harder.

" I know you Lily you are strong, brave, full of courage and the greatest woman I've ever met. I have always admired you since we met. So this Lily I'm talking about would've picked herself up, but the thing is it seems you...don't want to?"

"I do" she cried "It's just everytime I look ahead all I see is..." and she couldn't continue and started crying harder.

"Him?" asked Lindsay all sad.Lily just nodded and her friends looked at each other. They had a group hug and after almost half hour no one word was spoken until Lily looked up again andher gaze was completely determined. "This is the last time, I swear" No one said nothing and she stood up and performed a glamour charm on herself to hide away the fact that she had cried. She turned to her friends with a sad smile "Thanks I don't know what would have been of me without you girlsI love you all"

"Remember true friendships never really die, it doesn't matter if the years go by" Lindsay said smiling

"It's a strong bond that will never break, if tempered and tested by trials and pain." said Danielle.

"We are like sisters and as such we remain, loyal to one another until the end," said Natasha

"And no matter what happens between this moment and then, I shall always be thankful to have had such friends" Lily finished.

"Are you ready Lily?" Tash said tentatively.

"Yes" she said smiling confidently and opened the door, the marauders were all outside in the hall smoking except Sirius.

"Remus hi"said Lily approaching to kiss him in the cheek. "What are you doing here with this prats? Where's Kate?"asked Tash

"Hey, we're not prats we are the marauders!" yelled Sirius offended. Everybody ignored him.

"Gone, we broke up" he said lightly. Lily hugged him and felt sorry. He and Jane were a couple in Hogwarts and before her memory loss they had been together, according to Lindsay he had been really affected when she died and Kate was the first girl he had dated ever since.

"It's okay, it was for the best" he said smiling.

"I feel sorry for you" said Danielle earnestly. "Ha maybe now you can be my date?" said Lindsay laughing.

"Hell, yeah you're pretty enough" he joked."A marauder can't date an ugly girl" and he winked at Lindsay offering her his arm. Lindsay gladly took the offer. "Maybe you have a second arm to offer?" said Natasha hopefully and they left the two _couples._

"Are you ready?" Sirius asked "Your mother came up twice while you had you little gathering, she is not happy"

"Is our party they can wait? We'll see you down in a moment" said Danielle condscendingly and pulled Sirus downstairs.

Lily turned to look at James without giving away anything "It's awkward for me as it is for you, at least I think we should acknowledge that since you are the best man I am the bridesmaid and we might have to be _together_"

"I think we need to talk" blurted out James. Lily's was dumbfound "What?" she asked as if she was imagining what he just said.

"That we need to talk to sort _this_ out" he demanded in a very unnerving tone.

"I don't think this is the place or time James" she said getting angry she said starting to reach the stairs. James grabbed her by the arm stopping her and turning her to face him. Her face just a couple of inches away."Then when do you think will be the perfect time?"he said annoyeD "How about never?" She was really pissed now. "How about not?" James retorted pulling her closer."There's nothing to sort out!" she practically yelled exasperated and knowing there was but she wasn't going to given in. Oh no, they had been throuhg this path before."I think there is "

"Well, I don't care what you think"Lily retorted and tried to pull away but he was far too strong for her. "Well you should" he said menacingly.

"Potter trying to scare me" she laughed and this made James angrier "Do I scare you?"

"You can provoke me many things James except fear" she spatted "Then what is, what is that, that I provoke you?" he said in a dark sexy kind of way that made Lily knees go weak. She turned to look for the first time and his hazel eyes were darker than normal,penetrating and filled with lust. And the smell of alcohol was noticeable.

"You've been drinking?"she laughed. James didn't say anything and just smirked. "That's what it takes for you to get the courage to talk to me? A couple of martinis and you find the voice and courage to face me. That's just pathetic" and this erased the smile from his face and he dropped her arm. Lily observed him for a moment, regretting with every fiber of her being that he had, but she revealed none, but then he took a step back and his look was gone and she felt disgusted with herself.

"Yeah that's what I thought so too" and she turned to leave.

* * *

"Im glad both of you could come, we have a problem and both of you will be sent on mission." Spoke Dumbledore to the two adults in front of him.

"You will be leaving in a couple of hours, and Moody will give you the details. It will be just two days. And now James will you excuse us for a moment. I have something I need to discuss with Lily in private"

"Of course Albus." He rose from his chair but when he reached the stairs the gargoyle wasn't turning.So he decided to wait when he heard Lily scream his name.

"To James?" so James pressed his ear to the door. He was intrigued.

"Lily lower your voice. He should know, after all he is..."but Lily cutt Dumbledore off. "No, Professor you promised...Maybe if the situation had been different I would have told him, but no I don't want to. He lost the right to know".

"I understand Lily but you should think it over, what if he finds out?" James felt like bursting into the office and ask what he needed or had had the right to know. Maybe that was Sirius had suggested him. There was a _secret._

"The only way would be if you or Remus decide to tell him and Professor I beg you no to." Lily pleaded. James almost went ballistic, _Remus knew!_ He was going to kill him.

"I certainly will not, I promised I wouldn't, besides if the time came he should hear it from you" Dumbledore said softly.

"Well I don't think the time will ever come Professor" said Lily sadly.

* * *

A/N: I know I suck its been like forever since my last update. Im soorry im working on it. But i love reviews i really do!please keep telling me if i suck or if you like the story. And if anyone wants to be my beta ?contact me pleae my email is: 


	7. Insincere because I

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. (Check chapter 1, 2 or 3) **

_"I understand Lily but you should think it over, what if he finds out?" James felt like bursting into the office and ask what he needed or had had the right to know. Maybe that was Sirius had suggested him. There was a secret. _

_"The only way would be if you or Remus decide to tell him and Professor I beg you no to." Lily pleaded. James almost went ballistic, Remus knew! He was going to kill him. _

_"I certainly will not, I promised I wouldn't, besides if the time came he should hear it from you" Dumbledore said softly. _

_"Well I don't think the time will ever come Professor" said Lily sadly._

Chapter 7 – Insincere because I... 

I've got a secret I can't explain  
And all the time I've waited for this day  
All along I was never in doubt  
I always knew it would never get out  
There are things that I cannot tell  
And there are things that you know damn well  
This is getting very hard for me  
I guess you'd better just wait and see

(Secret-Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark)

James and Lily were sitting in Dumbledore's office listening to Moody's final instructions. Both of them wanted him to finish as soon as humanly possible. James was having so much problems just forcing himself to sit there at all. He needed to talk to Lily, while she couldn't wait for the opportunity to get away from him.

"At the Atlanta airport, two Americans aurors will be waiting for you. With that said, you leave in an hour" Both adults stood up and before they reached the door. Moody spoke again " By the way Dumbledore and I decided it would be best for you Ms. Evans to be transferred to Potter's team. I talked to your dad and we all agreed, the missions will be easier. When you come back, your supervisor and team leader will be notified" Lily's face went blank and James just gulped.

"I assume you two are professionals now and I will not be leading with two 16 year olds'" said Moody knowingly. Both of them knew to what he was referring to. Back in auror camp they had met Moody and he had "worked" with them. Lily had never forgotten how he had lost it with them.

_"You're in detention, and you will be in this room until you learn how to work with each other. Aurors depend on their teammates! TEAMWORK!" his voice roared."Something you TWO EGOISTICAL BRATS should learn! The enemy will bring YOU down... and your whole team, if you don't COOPERATE with each other." He ceased the yelling and started in a less agressive tone "That said. Think and reflect Potter and Ms. Evans I will be expecting more sense from you in the future". _

"That said you can leave and be careful" warned Moody, both adults nooded bided good bye to both men and descended the stairs to find themselves again in the corridors of their orl school. Lily couldn't imagine it all seemed so surreal now. Lily started to walk fast, she couldn't let herself sumerge into such memories.

"Lillian...wait" James called after her. She turned and he stopped, they looked until James spoke again "I...we...need to talk" he stated. Lily knew she could run or jut face him for once and for all and this time, she chose not to run.

"Okay I'm listening" she said crossing her arms and looking at him trying to read what _this _was about. "I don't believe this corridor is the place, come with me" he said taking her by the hand and leading her to the stairs until they reached the 7th floor. They were going to the unknowable room. Great now she oficially felt like they were seventeen and dating. Hell! Why was he still holding her hand and why was she letting him. They entered the room and it was their old head's common room.

"Please I need to know what is it that I must know"James said in an almost pleading tone. Lily was surprised where had he gotten that idea. She was certainly not expecting this, and she couldn't come up with an answer. James sat in the sofa and sank his head in his hand "Lily I heard you conversation with Dumbledore earlier this afternoon I didn't meant to but...I did. Please what is that, that I must know Lily"

"Is nothing really" Lily choked out, James wasn't making it easy for her. Maybe if he had demanded in a more agressive way, or used other tone but he was practically pleading and begging. He looked so exasperated.

"Nothing, huh?" he said sadly and stood up to reach for her arms.Lily avoided his look because he knew he would read into her, he had always did it. She was so fucking vulnerable and that made stupiddly and annoyingly transparent.

"Lily look at me and tell me it is nothing" James pleaded once again. He had definetely lost control over his emotions and he didn't know why he was feeling so crushed.

"Nothing James , please" she pleaded now, still not looking up. James released her right hand and reached her face, he caressed her cheek and brought her face up and close to him that practically Lily could feel the warmth of his breath on her face "Please..." and he kissed her, tears started to stream down of both faces. "Please Lily..." a crying James Potter pleaded, but Lily was choking in her tears so he embraced her as hard and close as he could. Lily sobbed harder and the silent tears in James' face kept running, both falling to pieces slowly.

* * *

"Yeah he got a call from the Order" Alexis Potter explained to a concerned Remus Lupin and an exasperated Sirius Black.

"We had Poker night" pouted Sirius. "Nevermind the fact that you'll be spending _the night_ alone Lex" Alexis simly laguhed "Can I get you another drink Remus, _Black_?"

"No, thank you Alexis you have been kind enough"Remus said getting up and elbowing Sirius who was lost in thought. "Oh yeah we've been detaining you long enough"

"No problem, I'll make sure James know you stopped by" she said from the door watching both young men disapparate. She closed the door. And smiled to herself.

" I thought they would never leave" said Alexis and a man came out of her bedroom. But he wasn't any man, he was Severus Snape. "You're quite and impressive actress" he said clapping.

"And why is that?" she asked putting her arms around his neck.

"For a moment I thought you wanted them to stay" said Snape. "No I was just being polite" and gave him a sexy smile.

"Could've fooled me" Snape smiled back and kissed her . "I know" and she kissed back.

* * *

James had a headache.They had almost missed their flight, and now they had only been 2 hours or so flying and he was annoyed. The _conversation_ had not ended yet, well it hadn't even started they hadn't talked and both had been very busy reviewing the file Moody had gave them. He thought Dumbledore and him were crazy for sending them in an airplane, too muggle even for him. 

He had finished the file and apparently Lily had too but before he had any chance to talk to her she had gone to the bathroom. He was waiting for her to come back he wasn't sure what to expect. Definetely things had changed now, he had kissed her, that was a change and she had kissed him back, well that was a major change, another thing they had to add to the issues that they had to discuss. But first he needed to find out what Lily had to tell him.

So finally when she came back after half an hour she had made up her mind, and surprising James she started talking.

"James there is something that I've been keeping from you since I got back" she started "before I tell you, you must know the reasons why I didn't tell straight away. When I came back three things devastated me, first it destroyed me to learn that I couldn't remember the past two years, then it practically killed me to learn that you were married.That you were no longer mine, that I had lost you, and that ironically I needed you now more than I ever had had. " Lily paused to avoid the tears to interrupt her. "But lastly was that the night I dissappeared I had gone to the hospital, a muggle one, to get some results back..." she paused took a deep breath and closed her eyes to calm herself and get through this. It was just starting " I was pregnant, I found out I was pregnant".

Shock couldn't even start to describe what he was feeling in that moment. "Pregnant?...as in having a baby...A baby... a baby...your baby...our baby." he said, not directing himself to Lily but voicing his thoughts. He turned to Lily and she was crying.

This was so wrong and James felt an incredible rage with himself so he had not only lost Lily that night he had lost his child."He...he died?" he whispered.

"She, a baby girl "choked out Lily " and I don't even know" and then Lily told him what Bellatrix had said back in France and that so far Dumbledore and Remus hadn't found out anything yet. That the only thing she knew was that she had been living in New York. When she ended James couldn't stop the tears from falling and Lily was crying in his arms. He was holding as if her life depended on it.

James embraced her as hard as he could, if he had felt bad before now he was feeling worse. He couldn't wash away the guilt. And right now all he had been doing was watch how their love crashed her wings, broken and torn, crushed like the flower under the snow. That was his Lily now a dead flower in a cold winter waiting for spring, for their love to rise again and heal her wings.

Finally they both fell asleep and they woke up when they were almost here. As Moody had said two aurors had been waiting for them at the airport and from there they were taken to a key apparition point and apparated outside the Ministry of Magic in New York. Definetely it was very different from London. They had barely talked since the outburst. James had a thousand questions but couldn't figure out how to ask them and Lily was breaking her head trying to know what was on James' mind at the moment.

They entred had their wands checked and were ask to wait inside and office. No word was exchanged until a very tall handsome young man entered. He had deep blue eyes and black hair like James, but his was longer and not completely straight , he also had a beard defining his jaw line and make him look sexy. Immediately when he entered Lily smiled and James rolled his eyes.

Lily stood up and embraced him "Alex"!". The guy smiled broadly and nodded "I know flower it's been too long if you ask me". Then he turned to James and his smile faltered, James wasn't even trying to smile "James hi" but he shook his hand "Alex , didn't know you were here, in New York".

"Work I've been here for a year now" he said sitting down.

"Really?" asked Lily really interested.

"Yes, but let's get down to buissness first. They have him here, you can go and fill out the report. And there's a file also of what happened ready for you so you can take it. That is pretty much it. Any questions?"

"We can start right away?" asked James. Alex nooded and James stood up. Lily followed but Alex grabbed her hand.

"Lily would you mind having dinner with me tonight?" he asked.

"No, not really" she said.

"At what time should I pick you up then?"he inquired.

"Eight is fine" she smiled, while James was ready to explode.

* * *

"For Merlin's sake, I can't believe it" gasped Lily. 

"Yeah it was a year later from you supposed death" said Alex "Considering everything, I suppose I was lucky... I woke up in the bathtub... place was on fire... I crawled out. A few days later I woke up in a muggle hospital" Lily listened intently as he told her the attack he had suffered by death eaters in New York "I thought that was like the number one most insane story of all time. But... " he shook his head slightly "yours actually tops it..." grinning at Lily.

"Is incredible that how I apparently was at New York and we never met..." his smile quickly faded into a look of nervousness.

"It was great that you were cleared up from the murder of that man" Alex said casually. "You heard?" Lily asked curious. "Yes you have quite a story here" he said joking. He paused for a moment and looked at her "Do you imagine how our lives would have turned out, if we had fallen in love?"

"Quite diferent I suppose" granted Lily " but best friends couldn't be lovers... " then in a more joking tone she said "or perhaps I wasn't pretty enough for you" she laughed.

"Are you kidding me?" he said smilig lovingly at Lily. "You're like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" Lily smiled warmly back at Alex. They finished dinner and Alex invited her over to his appartment to talk.

"I wish I had you back in England there's Nelle, Tash, Lindsay but still I feel so lonely...and there's James...who I just can't... get out of my head. How pathetic". She laughed and took a sip from a glass of vodka she was holding. "No, not really sounds to me like Hogwarts 7th year".

"No, I wish... he is married you know?"

"I know"he pulled her closer to him. "Is just that there are moments where I am not sure where I am going and what I am doing... I just..."

"You'll figure it out" Alex said taking a huge swig of vodka.

"What makes you say that...?" she asked.

"Because you're you..." she looked up at him and smiled slightly.

* * *

"Where is Lily?" asked the floating head of Remus to a very angry James Potter. 

"She is out having dinner with Alex Caerphilly" he said. He stared at Remus, and he couldn't restrain himself. "Did you know?" he asked hoarsely. Remus looked taken aback from his question and didn't respond.

"Of course you did...Dumbledore said you did...How could you not tell me Remus?"

"James what are you talking about?"asked Remus confused.

"About Lily... that she was pregnant" he said in a low dangerous tone.

"She asked me not to, please understand James,. You're my brother but she's my sister" he explained. He didn't want James mad at him and he knew he would understand, she obviously had her reasons, and everybody could see them.

"She told you? Huh" asked Remus, he had suspected Lily would gave in but the didn't think it would be that soon.

"Yeah... I better get some sleep. I had a rough day" He decided not to make a big deal with Remus, he was still digesting as he spoke..

"James?"

"Yeah"

"I sent an owl, it should be there tomorrow. There is an adress where apparently she lived for a while, there in New York. Tell her please"

"I will. Night Moony"he said and turned his back the to the fire.

"Night Prongs"

* * *

Two hours or so pass and the mood in Alex appartment lightened. They were both in the floor, Alex was leaning against the couch and Lily was lying down with her head in his lap. He had a vodka bottle in his hand and she was drinking from a glass. 

"You...and James' wife working together...now how the hell did that happened?"

"Let's talk about you...there is a beautiful auror in your team, single, and you haven't asked her out...why? "

"Because... Sandra... is recovering from a... tough breakup... or something"

"Hmmm..."

"Let's go back to you... you and James, and _his wife..._ " Lily drank a huge sip from her glass. "Yeah... I hate her. I mean, I don't... she's... nice?" they both laugh at each other's miseries.

Lily's face turned more serious "But not because of her... " Alex looked down at her "It's just... I still love him..." Alex shook his head a little "Merlin...that sucks" he whispered. Lily sat up and moved closer to him.

"You know Alex, considering everything I think I'm pretty normal..."She looked as if she was about to cry but she laughed it off a little "I'm emotional...I have always been, but I've... I've never been a depressed person" holding back tears again "Until now..."

Alex was concerned for her "I get it..."

"I mean, nothing has felt the same this year, and it's... it's... not just James... it's... my parents, you and Jane gone, it's all..." and she begins to cry a little. " I don't know..."

"What?" asked Alex.

Lily turns and looks directly into his eyes "I'm just alone" she began crying more and Alex leaned in to comfort her. He kissed her on the forehead and pulled her into his arms. She began crying on her shoulder and he sooth her. "It's okay, it's okay"

Then Lily hold him tighter and nuzzled her face into his neck. Her face leaned into his and he began kissing her full on the lips. They kissed passionately and in he took her hand and led her into the bedroom.

* * *

"You could've told me. I was worried" exclaimed James following her through the bedroom. 

"Look James I don't have time for your stupid behaviour. I need the adress, we leave tonight " she demanded extending her hand, and the other resting in her hip. James was angry she hadn't come last night hewas sure, athough when he woke up she was there, he knew she had came in very late and he was jealous as hell.

"I am coming with you" he stated, blocking her way from the door and not giving her the letter.

"No you're not, is not any of your buisness. It concerns _me_ and has nothing to do with _you_" she said trying her voice not quiver, she tried to gave him the cold stare.

"Maybe that was before you told me, you were pregnant." He said boldly. "Like it or not, is my child dissapearance we are talking about too so it concerns _me _" Lily was at a loss of words, so then James exited the room and Lily followed shortly after when she had recovered.

They were standing outside the hotel waiting for a cab. "Lily, I am sorry" he finally said.

"For what?" she asked avoiding his gaze _there's so many things, for which of them are you apologizing James. _

"For what happened earlier you're right I had no right ..."

"No...you didn't"

"But I want to know what happened too... I..."

"I know James..."

"Then...you will let me...help you?"

"Yes"

The took a cab and gave him the adress when they arrived it was a big building. They got in and went up to the fifth floor. Lily had a deja vu when they arrived to the hallway, they walked all the way to the apparment 207. She stood in front of the door for a moment turned to James.

"Familiar?" asked James.

"No, not really" she said as an afterthought. She was very nervous and she didn't know why "Do you want me to...?" asked James uncertain of what was going through her head right now. After a moment she nodded ad stepped aside. James ringed the doorbell.

And a couple of seconds later he heard someone turning the door handle" I'm coming" the voice of a man said. A vey familiar voice, the voice from the man they had only saw yesterday. ..._Alex. _

The door opened to reveal Alexander Caerphilly. He saw Lily and James standing in front and the three shared the same confused look of _What the fuck... ! _

* * *

**A/N: **Short chapter...took too long...I suck I know...sorry? Please review... I swear I'll update the first days of AUGUST...top. And any questions about the story or things that might not be clear, mistakes, tell me. Review, review pleeeaseee! And to my beta do I still have one? Still I haven't heard from her... anyone interested let me know... 

Ronnieharry.- don't know what I would do without you...really...jaja...probably..digging up a hole...jaja

MoonShineMagicSsarer- Hey! thanks for reading my story and been such agood friend

XXXgoosie4everXXX- A beta is someone who checks grammar, spelling of you story. Mainly proofreads it and makes suggestions.

kookie92- don't worry they'll get together it just won't be easy...

MoveBitch-Thanks!

look at me its manda deeYes its been mentioned... and no Sydney was cut because they extracted some of her eggs...that's not the reason Lily was

you'll find in the next chapters...

CrazzyD'Thank you"! I really appreciate you think so, it increases my ego:D and makes me a happy person

potterchikThe ring no she didn't gave it back, and you're the first one to ask. There is an important reason why she kept the ring during

the time she went missing, and why she _came back_ with it. the ring has a "role" so to speak, but _she can't remember..._right?


	8. It's easier to leave

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. (Check chapter 1, 2 or 3)**

_They took a cab and gave him the adress when they arrived it was a big building. They got in and went up to the fifth floor. Lily had a deja vu when they arrived to the hallway, they walked all the way to the apparment 207. She stood in front of the door for a moment turned to James._

_"Familiar?" asked James._

_"No, not really" she said as an afterthought. She was very nervous and she didn't know why "Do you want me to...?" asked James uncertain of what was going through her head right now. After a moment she nodded ad stepped aside. James ringed the doorbell._

_And a couple of seconds later he heard someone turning the door handle" I'm coming" the voice of a man said. A vey familiar voice, the voice from the man they had only saw yesterday. ...Alex_.

_The door opened to reveal Alexander Caerphilly. He saw Lily and James standing in front and the three shared the same confused look of What the fuck... !_

**Chapter 8 – It's easier to leave than to be left behind...**

_Precious and fragile things  
Need special handling  
My God what have we done to You?  
We always tried to share  
The tenderest of care  
Now look what we have put You through..._

_(Precious-Depeche Mode)_

Alexander was the first one to regain his senses first and trying to find his voice and ease the nervousness he acted casually "Lily, James to what do I owe the pleasure?Did something come up"

"Come in" he added and stepped aside to let both adults enter his appartment.Lily stepped inside,she was confused and had thousands of thoughts and questions going over in her head.Last night and this morning she had apparated, that's why she hadn't seen this coming. God, had Alex lied?

But then James instead of going in and sitting as Lily, he pucnhed Alex right in the face and then grabbed him by the lapels of his robe and cornered him against on the wall. "What the hell?You knew she was alive and you didn't tell anyone!" he yelled.

"James, Stop" said Lily grabbing him by the arm.

"Answer!" James yelled once again, and the fury in his eyes was undeniable.He look like he could kill.

Alexander cleaned the blood that was coming from his nose and sighed. "Sit down."

"I don't feel like it" spated James.

"Well you should, and you too Lily. What I am going to tell you is not easy" he said. And the couple sat, while Alex went into his bedroom and returned with an envelope and a bag with ice.

"You died for everyone. I went to your memorial service. I cried, I mourned. I had lost my best friend. Ten months went by. And one day, I got a letter"And he pulled a parchment from the envelope he had and gave it to Lily.

As soon as she saw it she recognized her own writting.

_Alex,_

_I know you must be beyond shock as you read this note, but it is me. I just escaped from Voldemort and I am in America, in New York. I can't say more, but I need help .Please write back as soon as you can choose a place to meet me here in NY, and give the letter to this owl.And don't tell anybody about this note. Burn it as soon as you finish reading it._

_Lily._

"So why didn't I wrote to James, or Danielle, or Dumbledore?"Lily asked confused.

"I wondered the same thing, hell at first I wasn't even sure if this was a sick joke or a trap. But I answered nonetheless" answered Alex.

"Why didn't you burn the parchment?" suddenly asked James. Lily had almost forgot he was there.

"Because I wasn't sure it was her talking." He answered impatiently. "So we met at New York, at a little Inn. But you looked different,and you weren't alone. You had 3 month baby girl." At this Lily gasped and look ready to break. And James was pained but neither interrupted.

"_Lily!"said Alex as he stepped into the room and embraced with all the strength he could the girl in front of him.Lily started crying and stepped aside, revealing a new born in the bed.Alex caught sight of the baby and was speechless._

"_Is this baby...yours?" he asked confused._

"_Yes, her name is Christina Potter"she said a she carried the baby, letting the tears fall freely. Alex got closer "She's beautiful,she has James' eyes? I presume"_

"When I mentioned him you started crying harder.And I had a lot of questions."

"_Lily what happened to you?" Alex asked. Lily put the asleep baby in the bed and sat next to Alex._

"And you took me back to the beginning, You told me the first thing you remembered after your fight with Bellatrix. So this is what happened to you, in you own words..."

"_I was approaching the door...when I heard his voice. I barely had time to turn when I saw the flash of emerald green light as it rushed towards me. And I passed out. Dead to the world. " Lily paused remembering "When I woke up it was days later, and I was in a dungeon.Hour passed before I saw anyone. Then a man entered, he told me were going to work together. And that we would achieve what Voldemort wanted." Lily paused and looked up at Alex "Then he took out his wand and used the imperio curse, I was too weak to even attempt to fight it. I had my clothes changed and I was obliged to drink a polyjuice potion. I wastransformed into someone else obviously. Then we apparated into a cementery"_

"_Cementery?"asked Alex confused._

"_Yes a graveyard."_

"_Just like that he took you out?"he inquired_

"_Yes, I couldn't move or speak by own will, the spell was very strong and I was very weak.And there all I could do was watch." Lily lowered her head and the tears started spilling again._

"_Then I saw you, all of you. James, my parents, Danielle,Tash, you,Remus, Sirius...Dumbledore." she paused._

"_You were at your own service..." Alex realised.Lily merely nodded and took a moment to catch her breath again._

"_I saw James holding a white lily and I wanted to run, but I couldn't, I hadn't felt so powerless in all my life.The the man spoke and he said how Dumbledore had seen my lifeless body taken by Voldemort. How I was death to them."Alex embraced her"I still remember what he said: he will mourn and move on.Find someone else perhaps."_

Back in the present Lily and James are both taking all in. "But the why can't I remember any of this."

"I'll get to that" answered Alex."From your funeral, you were taken to a death eater facility at the north of England I think" then from the same envelope he had taken the letter out, he took a picture out." And Lily gasped.

"That's the man Rodolphus Lestrange killed in France... he said he knew me, that I had promised that I would come back for him. That I never had broke"whispered Lily.

"His name was Simon Webster. You were under his custody." Alex explained.

"I don't understand they kept me prisoner, and yet they didn't kill me. What use could I possibly had. Everyone thought I was dead."

"Your baby "Alex said simply.

"_At first I didn't understand why they were keeping me alive. There were some days when I just wanted it all to end. I literally wanted to die." Cried Lily "Until Simon explained me that Voldemort wanted my baby."_

"_For what?"he asked.  
__  
"I don't know I never got to know. I entered to labor , when I was seventh months, and a death eater helped me, who happened to be the English ambassador in America. He helped me escape and leave England."_

"The same one I was accused of murdering?" asked Lily.

"Yes the same one."nodded Alex.

"_But the night before I parted to America, I pleaded him to take me home. I wanted to see James and my parents" Lily said sadly "But he told me that I didn't had home to return to. That I would be puttinG in jeopardy the lives of the people I claimed to love. Especially the life of Christina."_

"_So you left" said Alex._

"_No, I thought he was just trying to scare me. I told him he was insane. He insisted that they would come after my friends, my family, after James. But I explained him that I had to see him and tell him about our daughter. He loved me, seven months were nothing. So I went to look for him "_

"You saw him with Alexis" said Alex bitterly turning to look at James. James was fighting tears back, Lily had been silently crying and nodding, listening to Alex.

"As hard as it was to see them together, you couldn't confront James. You realized your presence was a danger to him, and most of all you were jeopardizing the life of your child. So you did the only thing you could."

"_So I came here to New York, but I am tired of hiding. So I called you, I know that it was foolish of me dragging you into this and you must go immediately back."said Lily all of sudden getting up._

"_Are you insane! I am not leaving you" said Alex getting up angrily._

"_You have to. I will feel awful if something happens to you, besides if you come here they'll know.They'll know, they'll find me." She said pacing back and forth in the room. "Alex, please this i s what I need you to do. If something happens, I'll write but I can risk the baby's safety. Go back to England."_

"_I can't leave you like this Lily"_

"_You have to " Lily pleaded holding his hands. "At least for now"_

"_Lily, please..."but Lily interrupted him_

"_Alex, I have already made up mind, I knew the mistake I had made after I send you the letter, still I couldn't help mysefl I had to see someone..."_

"_I can move here. I can make arrangements and be transferred. They won't suspect" Alex said suddenly._

"_I don't know..."_

"_I will make them in three months, I can be transferred and time will pass and things will cool off. It will look less suspicious."_

"_I'll have to think about it"_

"I had to come back to England and we started communicating by letters. But everytime I received a letter I burned it immediately. But then I was in a very dangerous mission and I was attacked in my apartment, the fire, I almost died. You both know"And James and Lily nodded. He knew because he remebered when it happened. Alex was in the same team that Sirius back then. And Lily had found out the night ago.

"That accelerated my change, and I decided to be transferred to Spain, as a bridge to create less suspicion and then to New York. You had already changed you appearance, you now had... "

"straight long black hair but same eyes..." said Lily as she remebered the false identity Dumbledore had talked about, _Marissa Smith. "_I saw my picture. Dumbledore showed it me"Lily explained to the confused men.

"Wait a minute, Dumbledore knew?" asked James.

"Yeah, he found I was alive,six months before my reapperance apparently."

"Yes, you had to. After I came here, I bought a house in Brooklyn, the three of us moved in. You acquired a new identity under the name of Marissa Smith and soon you were working for the ministry too. After the first five months passed I thought you could actually rebuild your life."said Adam full of sorrow.

"Until you started meeting the English ambassador. As stubborn you were, you wanted to know why Voldemort wanted your baby, you couldn't let go of the past. I tried to disuadate you, but you met him. And it wasn't long before Voldemort found out you were here. Then we had to sell the house and move out and go into hiding here to this appartment."Alex paused and shook his head.

"Then one day that you were supposed to meet the Ambassador was that you found him death, you tried to revive him, but he was already death. You knew you couldn't talk, because you would expose yourself, so you left the scene before the authorities got there. And that same night you received a letter from Dumbledore, you didn't showed it to me. But the next day you had all your things packed up. And you said that you had to leave because Dumbledore knew where you were and he was putting Christina and you in danger."

"Why didn't you stop her?" asked James angry with the man in fron of him.

"Because I knew she was right, and as much as I wanted to go with her, I knew it was too risky, so I let them both go. I kept receiving letters from Dumbledore. But you were gone. Then he sent an auror , Adam Thompson."

"I had left, he never found me" said Lily.

"So, the day before you _came back. _I received this letter._" _And he pulled another piece of parchment from the envelope and what looked like a photograph.

_Alex,_

_I am going back to England, to retrieve my life back. Christina is safe now.Thank you so much for eveything and I hope we meet again, as I am restored to my former life. Although it will be different from the last time,I'll be completely changed, you'll see._

_I love you and take care. _

_Lily_

Lily read the letter out loud.And couldn't understand. "When I found out, you couldn't remember a thing, I assume that was the change you were talking about. And the fact that Christina wasn't with you was another. Here you should keep this" Alex gave the photograph to Lily.

And when Lily saw it she smiled and cried, it was her and Christina and Alex. She was about a year old. She had red hair like Lily, and hazel eyes with thin green lines. Alex was carrying Christina and Lily was holding the baby's hand to say hi to the camera.

James couldn't believe what he was seeing. And as he and Lily looked at their daughter, he embraced her and she didn't complain.

"So I lost my memory on purpose?"asked Lily s

"I don't know Lily. I think so."

"I have to find her" said Lily.

"We will" assured her James.In less than 3 days he had found out he had a daughter and that she was alive. That it was his fault her daughter was missing, and during the last hour he had almost made his mind.

Things had definetely changed for him.Priorities had been settled the moment he found out he had a child and he was positevely sure he loved Lily. And knowing how he was responsible of all they had to live through.

He made his decision on the way back to the hotel. He was leaving Alexis, he was going to do everything possible to get his family back. It was settled.

* * *

Alexis was lying in bed with Snape. She had her head in his chest. "So no fire call, no letter, no nothing from Potty head?"smirked Snape.Alexis ignores him and throws aside the sheets and sits. Snape reached her face and turned her to kiss her. 

"So, what did the werewolf said?"

"They postponed their return, apparently something came up. Obviously he didn't say what" said Alexis, looking bothered.

"Well, they made it easier, the Dark Lord thought we would have to leave today" Snape snickered. "Guess we'll have more time to play"

"No , I don't think so." She said with an evil smirk. "We should get going"

"You should know that you are amazing. Before, I mean" said Snape kissing her shoulder. Alexis got out of bed and ignored him.

"Typically, this is where you return the compliment" whined Severus.And Alexis turned and said seductively. "Well Im going to take a bath, you are free to join me"

* * *

Lily was sitting looking at the box in front of her. It was a velvet box where she kept the engangement ring James had gave her. Today after they had left Alex' place she remembered wearing the ring when James had found her, but in the picture she wasn't wearing it. She knew the ring meant something why else would have wear it precisely that night. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by James. "Hey" he said and noticed the velvet box she had in front of her. He took it and opened it and he looked confused. He couldn't imagine what was she doing staring at the box with the ring.

"I was wearing it...remember?" she asked softly.She had decided to put aside their problems or issues right now, all she wanted to do was find her daughter."The night you went to retrieve me."

"Yes..." How could he not remember.

"Why? There must be a reason why I was wearing it" James remained silent. He had no idea and he didn't want to talk about the ring either.

"You know is not hard to believe what Alex said" she started "as he described the situation I could almost guess what I did next, I knew how I would react to those situations."

James stopped to think for a moment to what she said, and an idea came to his mind. "That's it Lily, think if you were afraid of compromising Christina's safety, what would you do?"

"What I did push her out of my life, yours, of England"said Lily.

"But how?"asked James. Lily took a moment to think about it and there was only one thing she could think of. "Give her in adoption, because I could not imagine leaving her in a foster home. The question is where"said Lily and she started pacing back and forth in the room.

"I know Lily. Isn't it obvious?Remember?..We talked about it" said James excitedly for the first time.

"What!What are you talking about?" she asked confused.

"Remeber when I proposed and we talked about having kids" said James carefully.

"_Kids?"said a seventeen year old Lily Evans laughing._

"_Of course why not?" asked James as she stroked her hair. They were lying in the grass looking at the stars. He pulled her right hand in fron of them "You see that ring on your finger?"  
__  
"Yes" smiled Lily" I see it all the time, when I get up, when I write, when I eat. It's getting annoying" she said giggling.  
__  
"Well it means we're getting married Ms. Evans. So why shouldn't we have kids?"asked James innocently. "We already started practicing" he snickered._

"_James!" said Lily laughing and then she turned more serious "We're too young and there's a war out there"_

"_I know but you and my son would have me" said James squeezing her hand three times. It was their thing. "And we could always move" he said more lightly._

"_Really? Where to?"asked Lily_

"_Paris, Madrid, Rome, New York. You just name a city" he said_

"_Definetely New York. We can visit the others in our honeymoon, but I would love to live in New York."_

"_Then New York it is." He winked._

"_But I want our kids to go to Hogwarts" Lily whined._

"_They will, don't worry. The war will be over by then" James assured her._

"It totally makes sense Lily" said James.

"Yes it could be. I pretended to leave to avoid suspicions.But we stayed and she could here in New York."

"It will not be hard to find her. " said James happily.

"How?"asked Lily confused.

"There's a spell. I am sure it will work, at least now I am" and he squeezed Lily's hand three times.

* * *

**A/N: **Again not a very long chapter, but it has a lot of information. Don't think my story is ending soon, is just beggining hahaha...It won't be that easy..sorry. I am sorry for the delay but I am trying to adjust to college. Is hard finding time. But I am working on it. I promise next chapter will be posted soon. It depends on how much reviews I get... 

No not really it will be soon, If things go as I plan in less than a month. Which would be a miracle, but hey, I'll try. I hope you enjoy, feel free to comment about whatever you want.

And see you soon. Hopefully.

Ivy


	9. Only Hope

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. (Check chapter 1, 2 or 3)**

_Then New York it is." He winked._

_"But I want our kids to go to Hogwarts" Lily whined._

_"They will, don't worry. The war will be over by then" James assured her._

_"It totally makes sense Lily" said James._

_**"Yes it could be. I pretended to leave to avoid suspicions.But we stayed and she could bhere in New York."**_

_**"It will not be hard to find her. " said James happily.**_

_**"How?"asked Lily confused.**_

_**"There's a spell. I am sure it will work, at least now I am" and he squeezed Lily's hand three times.**_

**Chapter 9 – Only hope **

_Every time I think of you  
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue  
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find  
Living a life that I can't leave behind_

_(Bizarre love triangle-New Order)_

"Are you positevely sure it will work?"asked Lily as she watched James desperately look for something in his room.

"I hope it does" said James "Got it" and he took a little bag out with powder. " Remus knows the spell he performed it a year ago. Remember the mission Adam talked about?"

"Yes the one that almost killed him, what does that have to do with the spell?" asked Lily confused.

"Sirius was in that same team. And he went missing, we were all desperate especially Nelle. So Remus found the spell, it needs two people who share a really strong bond with the one missing, and a third person who performs the spell."explained James

"So Nelle and I made the link and Remus performed the spell, we found him before it was too late" said James with a darkened expression and Lily clasped her mouth in horror "Oh my..."

"He was too hurt , but everything turned out fine" assured here James.

"How..." said Lily fighting back the angry tears "everything just took a turn for worse, Jane died, Alex and sirius almost did...it just won't stop"

"I can almost understand why you did, what you did"said James sadly and took Lily's hand but she got up as his touch had suddenly burned her.

"Don't" she warned him.

"Lily...please" James pleaded.

"No, James. You can't just take it back" Lily strated feeling vulnerable again, it had been too long since she had spend this much time James. And after what happened at the castle and on the plane, she just couldn't deal with it. "I told you because ultimately you had the right to know, but that's all" said Lily taking a step back and trying to act cold.

"But we are in this together." James said confused by her sudden change of tone.

"Okay, this isn't going to work" Lily stated, she should've known better than to tell him.

"What isn't?" asked James not knowing what she was talking about. And it unnerved her how he was clueless, hell wasn't it obvious. Suddenly she couldn't believe him, did he had memory problems or was it some game for him.

"What had I done to you?" she asked or maybe more like yelled.

"Nothing" he answered honestly. "I don't have a problem with you, Lily where is all this coming from? A minute ago we were okay"said James getting up and taking a step closer to her

"No, no, no. That's where you are wrong. We are _not okay_" she said stepping back from him. We? Was he serious...there was no we...

"Did I offend you in some way? Disrupt the perfect little life you had going on? "asked Lily clearly upset by James _amnesia _to their whole problem.

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" he asked starting to get desperate, she was acting all mad and angry and he hadn't said anything, he had been supportive, or at least trying to.

"You didn't said anything in weeks to me"She said with a broken voice, her true emotions beggining to surface "You acted like I didn't exist all of a sudden, at the office, at the meetings, at our missions, even with our friends... So don't say we are in this together." And James looked clearly hurt by her accusations but he just listened " the fact I told you about our daughter doesn't change _anything_ between us."

"I am sorry but _it does, _she is my daughter too, and you kept it from me" he said angry too.

"Because I had to..." Lily yelled back and James felt like shit. When she saw the tears running down her face. "James I couldn't..I.."

And then in a lower tone of voice she added "I've done everything that I can to try to make this ridiculous situation work,but...I'm done."

And she turned away but James grabbed her by the arm and brought her face to face to him."Yeah, and I have tried to walk around with this fake smile on my face, pretending everything was fine, just the way it used to be.And it isn't working for me anymore" He said but to stopped to catch his breath. It hadn't been such a good idea to pull her this close. He could feel her breath all over his face just like two days ago at the castle, when he had kissed her.

He moved to kiss her but she turned away and in a hoarse voice said "No, James you can't keep doing this to me... I.." .

"Lily?" he asked letting her go and Lily sat in his bed and looked down.

James felt a wave of guilt but at the same time regret. He ruffled his hair and started pacing in the bedroom, trying to find the words. This was hard on him too, he had shed his deal of pain too, but here he was willingly to go back to her and he needed to tell her, to know he wanted to make it up for _everything._

So he stopped in front of her and kneeled, grabbing her chin with his right hand and making her look him straight in his eyes

"The way it felt to be with you, how easy it was. Was the only thing I could ever count on" , then he looked down "and then it was all gone, taken away and I felt lost..." and he made a pause to look at her one more time and he smiled and said in a brighter tone " But now... " and he tried to take her hand in his but she moved away and stood up

She couldn't let him, she needed to push him away, he was married. She wasn't _that _kind of woman and she knew there was no way back now. "James, I.. I slept with Alex"

"What?!!" James immediately felt crushed, and his resolution fell apart with his heart. He was to tell her he was leaving his wife, but he was stupid and arrogant to think she would come running back in to his arms. But Alex?

"Last night, we got drunk...and we slep together" she explained still not meeting his gaze or turning to see his reaction. She was positevely sure, it was hurting him, and somewhere really deep inside her she felt glad it did, because subconsciously she wanted him to feel like she had...

"Why are you telling me this?"asked James in a trembling voice trying hard to hold back the anger. Why did she needed to torture him with something like this.

"I just want you to know that I'm moving on...Not with Alex, just generally." She waited a moment, but he said nothing back "I'll go owl Remus"

* * *

Lily had decided to go to the Ministry of Magic, this way it would be faster to contact Remus. Ministry owls had priority, and she had asked Alex help. He had made no questions and had pulled some strings. Now she was waiting for Remus to arrive. 

She kept spinning around the events of the last three days, once again her life seemed more complicated, but at the same time, she felt the worse had passed now. The sole hope of finding her daughter kept her sane. Still she had to sort once and for all her feelings for James, but right now she had more important things.

"Lils" said Remus tapping her shoulder. Lily saw him and instantly smiled and reached up to hug him. "Thank you so much" she said.

"It's okay. We'll find her" Remus assured her. "Where's James?"

"At the hotel, come on" said Lily. Lily started filling him in in what had happened in the last days and what she had found out when she heard someone call her name "Lily.." she stopped and turned around. Lily approached Alex and Remus stayed behind so they could have a private goodbye.

"I've been looking for you. Are you feelinf alright?" he asked concerned for her best friend. He wished so much to help but he knew his presence would only complicate things between her and James.

"Yes.." Lily nodded. Alex gave ger a slight nod.

"Finding out what happened... I...I thought it would solve all my problems..You know, there'd be closure. But it's just as empty...as not knowing anything at all...there's nothing, it's horrible." She explained and Alex somehow understood better than she thought "The only thing is that I might be closer to finding my daughter" and her face enlightened as she said it. And Alex felt relieved.

"You know who knows you're still alive...what are you going to do when you find your daughter, move out of England?" asked Alex

"No...I'm not going to run anymore. I think I am going to stay in London. I don't what I will do when I get back for certain...I just want to find her first."Lily knew there was a lot to sort out. "What about you? Do you plan on ever coming back?"

"No, I think, I am staying. I might follow your advice and ask the pretty auror out" he chuckled. Lily smiled warmly and step forward to hug Alex tightly.

"Love you" said Alex pulling away from her and smiling.

"Me too" said Lily smiling back, and Alex turned to walk away. It was hard to let her go, but it was their thing he was her friend and he understood her more than he wished sometimes.

"Alex..."Lily called after him

"Yeah..."he stopped and midturned.

"We never talked about _that.." _said Lily

"Yeah. I kind of liked that" he said smiling

So Lily and Remus began walking out, but before going into the elevator she turned to take on a last look at Alex, and he looked honestly happy as he watched her leave, he nodded and gestured her to leave. Lily smiled back and a tear escaped her eye. They held eye contact until the elevator door closed.

* * *

"Aren't you curious?"asked Snape as he looked at a picture from Alexis' and James wedding. They were both smiling. She was such a good actress, sometimes he even wondered if she had not fallen for the so called _Potter charm_ for real... 

"Curious...about what Severus?" asked Alexis annoyed as she finished packing a suitcase.

"What Pott-head has been doing with the mudblood" stated Snape watching Alexis closely and try to read her face. She didn't reveal emotion.

"No, I am not." She simply stated.

"I would... but that is just me" said Snape laughing.

"Shut up Snape. We have no time for your stupid little games"said Alexis. "They saw Remus leave, it means they found something."

"What happens if James leaves you for her, if she tells him they have a daughter" said Snape ignoring Alexis' remark.

"She will not tell him, she isn't that stupid. Besides we'll get to ther daughter before her." Assured Alexis but she felt a wave of anger crash. She would do the impossible to keep James away from that bitch, she didn't love James, but he was hers and nobody took her _thing_s away.

"I certainly hope you are right. The Dark Lord will not be pleased if we fail" said Severus darkly.

* * *

James was carrying two glasses with a light blue liquid in it and what looked like a map. 

"What is that?" asked Lily as James handed her a glass.

"Is a relaxing potion, it is supposed to make it less painful for you" explained James in a monotone voice and he drank the whole glass, and Lily followed him. James sat next to Lily and clasped her right hand putting a map of the city between themselves and Remus.

"Well, I guess I'll start then, " said Remus. Neither James or Lily moved, so Remus cleared his throat and pulled out a piece of parchment of his pocket, where apparently he had written the long spell. He took a white cristal and placed it on the map.He drew his wand from his robes and raised it, to his chest level.

And with a swish he began.

It felt like an eternity for Lily, who was her first time. Powerful, burning spell words came tumbling out of Remus mouth as he read. He moved his wrist in so many motions, but it was all automatic. James and Lily were in a sort of trance. And Remus got in.

First there was James, he had seen him before. There was pain, but also a lot of strength. He was powerful as Remus had always know, but there was now a lot of anger and rage in him too. And as he went deeper he found where his childish memories were preserved, his friends and surprisingly so Alexis. But as he went deeper he found it, but greater than last time, his love for Lily. It was ignited _again _and he found this time two links connecting him to Lily.

Lily was different from James, She was powerful too, but used to pain. He could feel it. Sadness and a sorrow clouded almost all. Everything on her was pretty much stained by the pain and hurt, her parents, her friends, but not as much as the love for James. It was almost dying and Remus felt like crying when he sensed it. It was consuming her, but behind it he found...light and _hope._

After exploring and finding their links, he concentrated to focus just on them and he was amazed by what he saw, perplexed. The first link was thick covered in gold and red, but stained and broken. Lily's part was dull and muted, as if someone had place a screen over it. And he sensed the poweful love in it.

But the second link was silvery white, it shone brightly, it was so pure, untouchable .Lily's part was thicker than James' and when he touched it he sensed love and hope in the most pure way. This was the link he was looking for.

He concentraded and continued to swish his wand evoking as much as he could the power of the emotions deposited on the link and pour them into the white cristal, as he ended the spell and completed it with one last flick, Lily and James sank to their knees.

It took them several minutes to come back to their senses. When they felt conscious again they both saw Remus smiling. And Lily felt relieved and happy, the spell had worked.

"Moony?" asked James hopeful. And Remus nodded and smiled handing him the crystal.

"Will it work?" asked Lily nervoucly and excited at the same time.

"It must" said Remus assuringly "It is a very powerful crystal" he said looking at each other knowingly "more than the last one I did" he added.

James got up and hugged his friend. "Thanks moony" he said with a bit of a broken voice, he was so excited but at the same time so scared.

Lily followed and hugged him real tightly she was crying but for the first time of happiness. "Thank you so much Remus"

"Go, you've been waiting for this for a long time" he said stepping back. James smiled and Lily tried to wipe her tears and smiled too. They linked their hands holding the crystal, and Remus swished his wand again and muttered some words. And with a faint pop they dissappeared.

* * *

When Lily opened her eyes, she saw green all around, they were in a park, and there was a playground with benches just in front of them. 

James hadn't let go of Lily's hand and he squeezed her three times before they started walking towards the playground. They noticed several baby strollers, but none of the babies in them was their daughter, until she heard a little girl cry, they spun around and saw a girl that must have been a year and a half or so walking with towards a woman.

Lily immediately clasped her mouth, there she was. She was so pretty, she had hazel eyes like her father, and red hair like hers. She closed her eyes and prayed it wasn't a dream. But when she opened them the little girl was still there. James turned to look to her as if asking her if it was okay to approach, after all it was _her _call. Lily nodded and left James behind to approach the woman.

"Hello?"said Lily carefully to the woman.She has black wavy hair and white skin, she must have been in her mid twenties. The woman was surprised when she saw the couple "Marissa?"she asked tentatively.

"Yes it's me" said Lily.

"Your hair is different. I am presuming this is the father?" she said sadly.James nodded and took a step to hold Lily's hand.

"She's beautiful" he breathed out as he watched the little girl play in the sandbox.

"So...why are you here?" asked the woman afraid of the answer.

"We came here for _her" _said James seriously.The woman seemed to alter, and her breathing rate started to increase "You..you...said" she said pointing Lily. Lily was confused she had no recollection of she had said or agreed with this woman.

"Miss..." said Lily trying to calm her down "I don't, I can't remember anything" she said simply.

"Lily.."said James interrupting her "I am not sure how safe is for us to be here. Mam, is there any place where we could go and talk?'" he asked politely.The woman nodded and got up and took Christina into her arms placing her in the stroller. They walked a few blocks without saying words until they reach a building. What did they didn't notice was the couple that had followed them into the building.

As soon as they reached the _safety _of the woman's appartment Lily had explained how she had suffered an _accident _and had _amnesia _, she hadn't given her much details just the basics so she could understand. "And so we found you..."

"We had been looking in every park for weeks Mrs. Danes" James lied.

"You can call me Elizabeth" she said to James, then she turned to Lily. "The last time I saw you, you said you were never coming back, you were very upset.."

"_Marissa?" asked Elizabeth. "Are you okay?" she said as she opened the door, and Lily was crying and very altered. She entered into the appartment carrying her daughter in one arm and a big suitcase on the other._

"_Take her, please" said Lily placing her in her arms. "In this suitcase is everything she needs" and putting the suitcase down_

"_Marissa, what are you doing?"asked Elizabeth alarmed by her neighbor's behavior._

"_I am giving you my daughter" said Lily who hadn't stopped crying. "Christina is better off with you"_

"_Stop, what are you talking about?" She said putting the baby on the sofa._

"_She's not safe with me. And I don't have much time" she said exasperated She was making the hardest thing she had ever done, this was worse than walking out on James.But she had to, there was no choice._

"_Nothing can be that bad for you to leave Christina" reasoned Elizabeth "I can help you, I can tell John, he can.." trying to calm her down. _

"_No, no, no! You don't understand, you couldn't..." said Lily throwing her hands in the air "I...I wish there was another way, believe me I have thought about this a million times, this was my last option. But I have no choice, please Elizabeth" she begged."I would die for her if necessary, but what good would it do, she needs a stable home, a family, and protection and..." she paused at that " I can't give her that"_

"_Are you coming back?" asked Elizabeth, truth had started to sink. Sure she had always expressed her great desire to have a baby, and that she and her husband had tried._

"_No, take care of her please. Love her as your own, I know you will" said Lily trying to clean the tears from her face, and sitting next to her baby. She looked so peaceful, she wondered if she would miss her as much as she would. She kissed her forehead,and placed a little gold bracelet on her right hand, that had a lily and a little stag dangled in it. "Goodbye Christina. Be a good girl." And she wiped her tearsMommy loves you" she whispered to the girl's ear, she sighed and stood up knowing there was no way back. She had to leave soon. _

_Elizabeth knowing that she was serious, pitied the young girl, and felt a pang of sadness. From the few months she had known Marissa, she was a great mother and she was sure she loved Christina more than anything, and that whatever reasons were putting her in danger must have been pretty bad, for her to make such a sacrifice. "I will"_

"_Promise me!" demanded Lily sobbing._

"_I promise" said Elizabeth hugging the young girl in a motherly way._

"I..." said Lily, but she didn't even got a chance to say anything else. When they started to hear screams, and people running. Someone was here, they had to leave.

"James" said Lily alarmed instantly drawing out her wand, James was already at the door casting spell "_Fortem Protego"_

"Lily you need to take the out of here, this will not last long. Take them to the hotel with Remus and owl Alex and Dumbledore." yelled James. Elizabeth had already taken Christina into his arms an was afraid, the man had called Marissa ,Lily, they had _wands, _she had a million questions, and the screams were getting closer.

"I can only apparate one at a time" said Lily.

"What is apparate?" asked Elizabeth.

"Take Christina first" said James and then he turned to Elizabeth who reluctantly gave the girl to Lily. And with a faint pop they were both gonee"Mrs. Danes, there is no time for explanations, but you life and my daughter's is in danger" said James. "Lily will come back to take you to a safe place."

"Lily?"asked Elizabeth."That's her real name?"James nodded, he was sure the attack was not a casualty.

Lily apparated into the room "Remus is owling Dumbledore" she said to James and turned to Elizabeth "Come on, we have to go now!"

"Take them to some place safe. The hotel room is too risky" said James. "I'll try to distract them and take down as much as I can"

"No, I'm coming back to help you. Remus can take them" said Lily stubbornly she wasn't going to let James in here alone. "Elizabeth grab my hand and close you eyes try to relax" she did as told. "I'll be back" and with that she dissaparated.

"No, Lily!" said James exasperadetly but she was gone. Damn her!! He lifted the spell of the door, and went out into the hallway. He wasn't going to hide.

"Chaos followed the green curse. The muggles were screaming, running out of their appartment James ducked behind a pillar hus as red curse blasted the wall in front of him. He wasn't fool he had seen about four death eaters so far, and he was pretty sure there were more in the lower floors. And then he heard a pop, and some steps. Lily was back...

James saw her and grabbed her, he felt her mouth open to scream, but he closed over her mouth. She struggled frantically until James said "It's me.Stop moving, there are four death eaters."

James released Lily. "You shouldn't have come back" said James sternly. And Lily dismissed him and asked him" How many?"

"I've seen four, but I am sure there are more" said James "Remus?"

"Yes, he had owled Alex already and he was going to owl Dumbledore. The american aurors should be here soon." Explained Lily.

There was a loud shout followed by a crash of window being shattered. And some running steps, James signaled her to shush and he listened carefully "There's four or five of them" he whispered directly in her ear. "On the count of three" James swallowed and Lily tightened her grip on her wand handle "One...two...THREE!"

Lily and James both jumped just enough to take aim and shouted "_Stupefy!" _at the same time. Two death eaters fell.So Lily and James went back behind the pillar " There's three I'll take two" said James and he stepped , Lily after him

* * *

"Snape!"Alexis yelled as she climbed up the stairs with Severus by her side. 

"What?" said Snape irritated

"Rookwood forgot to cast the anti-apparition spell" yelled Alexis furiously "She's gone" she gritted out through her teeth.

"What about Potter and the mudblood?" asked Snape

"They're still here" spated Alexis "But the aurors will arrive soon".

"We should at least get _them_" said Snape. And as the floor came into there were two hallways, James was in one duelling with Rodolphus, and Lily was on the other hallway with Rabastan. Snape stopped for a second and then said lazily "Get your husband will you" and he smirked putting his mask on. Alexis only ignored and placed her mask as well.

* * *

"_Stupefy" _yelled James hitting the death eater's chest directly and as he fell he spun around and saw another one standing they yelled at the same time "Expelliarmus" but James spell was quicker and his reflexes were fast, he had the death eater's wand in his hand now. 

"_Incarcerous" _He said pointing to Alexis oblivious, and he did the same to the unconscious form of Rodolphus he kneeled and took his mask off .

"Had to be you"and he laughed in a very dark way, and Alexis could see the fury in his eyes. He kicked Roldolphus unconscious body and then turned towards Alexis "Let's see which coward are you " said James "My guess is dear Bellatrix" he said bitterly

"Though you are awfully quiet today" he said jokingly as he approached Alexis, he heard a really familiar voice yell "Drop you wand" And James laughed this death eater was stupid or what,

"Come on Potter drop your wand" said Snape one more time. The idiot was too arrogant for his own good. "_Crucio" _yelled Snape pointing to somewhere Jame could not see and a little bit after, he heard Lily scream in pain.

"Put the wand down" said Snape again.

"No, James don't" yelled Lily as she tried to fight the curse.

"Drop the wand!" said Snape calmly "If you _love her _, you will put the wand down" he was having fun, he could've stunned James, but where was the fun in that. He was getting to annoy Alexis, he was sure of it. As she immediately turned to look at James.

James seemed to hesitate for a second and he heard Lily yell again "Aaah!! Dooon't" But James had already dropped his wand...

* * *

**A/N: **Chapter 9 finally...I haven't had much time as usual... besides my beta didn't like my past chapter, she said it's very confusing and that I should rewrite the whole thing.She's mostly right but I thought about it and decided to go on as it is. Because I don't have time and I really want to continue the story. Please feel free to ask anything, I'll answer any doubts you have about my chapters or things you don't understand. 

To my beta: I do want to make it the best but right now I can't I'll keep up to see how it goes, I still hope you can keep proofreading my other chapters.

Something that might not be clear:

a)The links, the first one was the love they have for each other

b)the second the love for their daughter. I know it might seem unbelieavable for James to love her daughter if he just found out. But he does because is the "fruit of his love for Lily" (as corny as it sounds), besides he had time to digest it. She represents a new stage on his life...or so he thinks..

c)The spell mechanic. the link has to be strong (meaning full of powerful emotions such as love-sirius and danielle, lily and james-, friendship-sirius and james,) when combined with magic the power of the emotions that and captured into the crystal, the crystal becomes a magnet, so to speak, that works on a certain area( that's why Remus never suggested it to Lily ), and leads them to the person they're looking for. (I got the idea from charmed but it's different)

d)Lily and Alex are best friends!!! they had what some people call comfort sex. Alex doesn't love her the way James does.

e)Alexis is a death eater, has been all along, even before marrying James.

f)Elizabeth was Lily's neighbor-friend. And met her as Marissa Smith

g)And I know many of you hate me and say it's not viable for Lily to give her daughter in adoption. But the thing is she had no choice, she was willing to give her life but she knew the consequences, and that it wouldn't be enough for her to be safe. She wanted as every mother does ,what was best for her, and if having a normal, safe, life meant she had to be with someone else, it was worth the cost for Lily.

Any other questions, ask, and I'll promise I'll answer!!

Review please, this story has a long way to go

Ivy


	10. The long goodbye

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. (Check chapter 1, 2 or 3) **

_"Come on Potter drop your wand" said Snape one more time. The idiot was too arrogant for his own good. "Crucio" yelled Snape pointing to somewhere Jame could not see and a little bit after, he heard Lily scream in pain. _

_"Put the wand down" said Snape again. _

_"No, James don't" yelled Lily as she tried to fight the curse. _

_"Drop the wand!" said Snape calmly "If you love her , you will put the wand down" he was having fun, eh could've stunned James, but where was the fun in that. He was getting to annoy Alexis, he was sure of it. As she immediately turned to look at James. _

_James seemed to hesitate for a second and he heard Lily yell again "Aaah!! Dooon't" But James had already dropped his wand... _

**A/N: **This chapter's song is Open Your eyes by snow patrol. And it's like songchapter, well a part. I hope you don't find it too disturbing to read with the lyrics between.Enjoy!

**Chapter 10 – The long goodbye**

**_All this feels strange and untrue  
_**_**And I won't waste a minute without you** _

Lily woke up startled to find herself lying next to James. It was dark, and she reckoned they were in a cell, it was old fashioned, medieval-like and probably charmed. Lily turned to look at James and found herself looking directly into his eyes.

"Are you okay?" asked James scooting closer to her. Lily looked at him, and aside from the fact that he was covered in sweat and dirt, he looked okay. Lily on the contrary looked a little pale and worn out, she has some minor bruises and few cuts on her face.

**_My bones ache, my skin feels cold  
_****_And I'm getting so tired and so old_**

"I think so.." she whispered, her voice cracking and touching her face..

The sounds of steps getting closer, brought their attention to a door, where they saw the handle turn, and the door open to reveal a hooded and masked figure raising his wand..

"Potter, you're to come with me" Snape said behind his mask.

"Fuck you!!"snapped James.

"_Crucio_"and James fell to the floor, opened his mouth but never uttered a sound. His face contorted in pain and agony.Lily reached out to touch him, knowing she would ease the pain, taking a part of the curse on herself, but James moved away from her touch. And screamed "Don't!"

**_The anger swells in my guts  
_****_And I won't feel this slices and cuts _**

Lily let a tear slide and gripped his hand firmly, but Snape approached and kicked James in the stomach, away from Lily.The Death Eater finally lifted his wand and James relaxed, twitching slightly. Finally he lifted and followed the hooded figure.

"And that's just nothing compared to what is waiting for you," Snape hissed softly, pulling James up by the neck of his robes and hauling him out of the cell.

Lily simply looked after them, hardly believing that James was just..._gone. He might never come back, _she thought. And it scared the hell out of of her, they were switching places. James might die, and although they were not together anymore, she couldn't stand the thought.

So she did the only thing she could. She prayed, she wasn't religious, but she was desperate, this was the man of her life, the only man in her life, the father of her child, her love, this was _James_.

Ages seemed to pass, and slowly Lily was losing consciousness. It was cold and the only sound that she had heard for the past hours was James screaming at the top of his lungs. She blocked herself trying to make the scream die, fade away...

And finally the screaming did stopped, a detached part of her mind registered. And she let a single tear fall. He was dead...

But Lily didn't cried she just lay there still, letting the tears fall from her eyes. Not a single sob or moan escaped her eyes, he was gone and maybe she would be soon...

_"Lily, are you sure?" asked James, Dumbledore has just invited them to join the legendary Order of the Phoenix "James, we are in this together" she said sternly "We'll always have each other" _

_"Don't think you can get rid of me that easily" said James grinning _

Why had life been so hard on them? She honestly didn't know...

"_Sirius!!" said Lily running through the hall of Saint Mungo's and embracing Sirius and crying. "Where is he?!!" she demanded. _

_"Lils, he will be okay, he is awake" said Sirius opening the door, revealing inside a very scarred James Potter, he had a band wrapped around his head, and he had wound sall over his arms. Lily ran and sank her head into his shoulder crying. _

_"Lily, it's okay" said James caressing her head. _

_"No" choked out Lily "I thought you were gone..." she said sobbing harder "I...I can't live if you...if you..." and a large sob escaped her lips. _

_"Lily, sshh. It's okay now."she said cupping her face and kissing her lips lightly. _

She snapped back to reality when she heard the door open and a loud thud in the ground. James unconscious body was thrown into the cell. Lily practically ran to his side. "James" she said desperately moving him "Wake up, wake up, wake up" but he didn't move, he was covered in blood,small cuts, and large bruises.

**_I want you so much to open your eyes  
_****_Cuz I need you to look into mine._**

_"Here you go, sweetheart"Handing her a drink "A beer for my girl" _

_"Thanks"Taking a long sip. _

_"Where did you just go by the way?"  
__  
"I don't know.It was one of those daydreamy things. I guess watching you walk away and shake your butt made me fantasize"kissing him slowly  
__  
"So you like my butt huh?"Kissing her back and pulling her into a hug. _

_"I fancy it" _

_"I fancy you" He said and kissed her again "Am I alone in wishing our friends left so we could do it right here, right now?" _

_"I'm so with you" Lily giggled "I've got an idea. Come with me"Pulling him toward the back of the headquarters _

_"I knew I liked how your mind worked" Lily pulled James through the crowd and into the bathroom, they rushed quickly inside and locked the door with a spell. _

_James pulled up Lily's skirt and she unbuttoned his pants. He lifted her onto the counter and pulled off her underwear. He kissed her hard on the mouth and ran his tongue along the edges of her lips. Lily slipped her hand up his shirt and around his back. Soon they were having sex.They had this new thing they did everytime they messed around, they kept their eyes and stared at each other the whole time.The results were incredible intimacy and kicking orgasms._

_Even if it was a quickie it was worth it. _

_"You're so beautiful" whispered James "I love you  
__  
"God, James"Lily breathed "I love you too" _

_"Don't ever leave me Lily" _

_"I won't without you..." _

_"Nothing seems right" he said finishing her sentence _

_"Nothing tastes rights" _

_"Smells right" _

_"Sounds right"said Lily, starting to giggle "We are so lame!" _

_"No shit.Least we both are." _

_"True" she smiled. _

_"Will you marry me?"asked James and he started searching in the pockets of his pants and took out a ring "I've been carrying it around for a while now. I was planning on giving you a speech and asking you outside under the moonlight..." and he trailed off and looked at Lily _

_She was crying and smiling she got off the counter and kissed him. _

_**Tell me that you'll open your eyes**  
_**_Tell me that you'll open your eyes_**

"Please James, wake up, " she said grabbing him by the head and putting it against her chest. "Wake up, wake up" she whispered softly. She caressed his forehead _wake up, open your eyes , please you can't be dead, "_wake up, wake up" And she started rocking back and forth.

"Wake up, wake up" she said sobbing. "Open your eyes James!!! Now!!" she cried harder, he was dead...No he couldn't be not James, not him.

_"James, please!!" Lily pleaded "we are in this together" _

_"No, Lily. It's not safe out there" said James sternly _

_"What a load of crap!!!!, it's not safe for me. But it's okay for you!!!!??" _

_"Lily please, I can't risk it and get you killed!!" he said angrily._

_"Then I am supposed to wait for the day you don't return home ?"she said crying this time _

_And James embraced her "I will always come back to **you" **_he said.

**_Tell me that you'll open your eyes  
_****_Tell me that you'll open your eyes_**

"Wake up James" she whispered "Look at me" And she started sobbing, he was too hurt. Probably he wasn't going to make it out of here. Probably no even her. This was it. The end of the road.

"_What is it?" said Lily shaking the little box _

_"Open it" said James happily.Lily ripped of the bow and the paper. She had never been good at opening presents calmly. It was a box, and inside there was a gold chain, with a little stag and a lily dangling from it. _

_"It's beautiful" said Lily. "Come on let me put it for you" said James taking the chain from her hands and placing around her delicate neck and kissing her shoulder. _

_"I love you Lils" he said. _

_"Only because I love you" and she smiled. _

_**Get up, get up, get away from these liars**  
_**_Cuz they don't get your soul or your fire _**

"Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!!!"and she let out loud a cry of sorrow and pain and when she looked back at him. He had opened his eyes and he was looking straightly into Lily's emerald ones.

And she smiled and exclaimed "You're alive" she cried with joy

James opened his mouth to say something and closed it again. A soft hissing noise was becoming louder and louder, heading down the corridor to their cell.

"He's coming" James whispered and he struggled and got up in front of her.

"The famous Potter and Evans" said Voldemort's voice "a pitiful story, what happened to you little mudblood" he said sarcastically. "But don't worry the pain will be over soon for the both of you"

"You!!!Bastard" shrieked Lily "You ruined my life. You!!!" she said trying to hit him, but James' grip didn't let her.Voldemort twirled a wand in his hands, almost as if he was bored with the events. He looked at Lily and smirked in a way that made her feel sick "_Legilimens!" _

Lily clutched at her head and dropped to her knees, mumbling phrases that James, even thoigh was right next to her, couldn't make out. James stared at his bent head for what seemed like and age before she stiffened and threw her head back, inhaling as if she had never breathed before.James kneeled next to her putting a hand in her back and the other in her shoulder.

**_Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine  
_****_And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time_**

"Impressive" said Voldemort softly "Very impressive" and then his eyes snapped to James."Are you that strong?" he smirked "_Legilimens!"_

_"Will you marry me?"asked James and he started searching in the pockets of his pants and took out a ring "I've been carrying it around for a while. I was planning on giving you a speech and asking you outside under the moonlight..." and he trailed off and looked at Lily _

_She was crying and smiling she got off the counter and kissed him.  
__...  
"James, I'm sorry" Dumbledore said, he had never seen his Professor so sad.It was true she was dead.  
...  
__"I hate you!!!!!!" roared a drunken James throwing a portrait making it crash against the wall. On the floor was a photograph of himself and his dead Lily, the day of graduation.  
...  
__"Let's get married" said Alexis jokingly. James thought for a moment, and knew this was it.She was gone and she wasn't coming back."Yes we should" he said all serious.  
...  
__"It's Lily James.She's alive" said Remus hugging his friend.  
...  
__"You were dead" said James trying to escape the look of betrayal in Lily's face. _

_"And you got married..."said Lily  
...  
__"But lastly was that the night I dissappeared I had gone to the hospital, a muggle one, to get some results back..." she paused took a deep breath and closed her eyes to calm herself and get through this. It was just starting " I was pregnant, I found out I was pregnant". _

**_Every minute from this minute now  
_****_We can do what we like anywhere _**

And James cameback with a roaring "NO!!!!" and opened his eyes, he was sweating like mad, and and reaching out for Lily's robes, clenching them, in his fists.

"Quite Impressive. You are a true Potter." Said Voldemort amused. And Lily shuddered. "So I can't kill you easily. Can I? You'll have to honor your dead. At the end you will be pleading me to end your life" and he laughed.

**_I want you so much to open your eyes  
_****_Cuz I need you to look into mine._**

"_Incendio_ robes" said Voldemort and from his robes he drew out a knife. "Dear Lillian is familiar with this special knife."Lily shrieked at the memory.

"Normally, I would have one of my servants use sucha a tool, but this punishment is one I have been waiting a long time to give personally"

_**Tell me that you'll open your eyes** _

"_Accio,_" hissed Voldemort, and James slid across the room to rest and Voldemort's feet. Lily caught sight of his face and saw that he looked absolutely blank. There was no expression on his face, none whatsoever.

Voldemort raised the knife and Lily shut her eyes, knowing what was coming.

_Tell me that you'll open your eyes _

"_Imperio,_" she heard. 'Open your eyes,Lillian.

_No_

_Open your eyes, Lily._

_No!!_

_OPEN YOUR EYES!_

_NO!!!!!_

**_Tell me that you'll open your eyes _**

She opened her eyes when she heard James scream in pure agony.

"Tell me where is she" Voldemort hissed.

"Leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone…" Lily chanted softly. _Leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone… _

_**Tell me that you'll open your eyes** _

"No!"James roared. And Voldemort stabbed him once again.

"Tell ME!" he demanded angrily.

_**Tell me that you'll open your eyes** _

"NO!"said James louder this time

"_Sensitivitus_!" Lily opened her mouth in horror. The Sensitivity Charm…

"'_Crucio_"said Voldemort raising his wand.

**_Tell me that you'll open your eyes _**

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily screamed, running towards Voldemort and trying to harm him in any way possible. She slammed against an invisible wall two feet from him and beat her hands helplessly against it. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

Voldemort lifted his wand and James's cries stopped. The evil wizard regarded Lily with infuriating amusement and a cold smile that made her blood boil. Lily saw in horror as James was bleeding profusely. She tore out a long piece of cloth from her robes and tried to wrap it around James' abdomen to stop or at least lessen the bleeding.

_**Tell me that you'll open your eyes** _

"How _touching,_" the Dark Lord remarked with a smirk that scared Lily out of her wits. Voldemort sighed. "Although, I had expected no less from the pair of you."

"I see you eager to join Potter's current situation" said Voldemort "And I won't deny you the pleasure. Miss Evans"

"_Sensitivitus!"_hissed Voldemort "_Crucio!_".And he watched amusedly as James attempted to move closer to her, but failed terribly..

_**Tell me that you'll open your eyes** _

"Pathetic, you've always been" he mused out. He lifted the curse "I'll be back soon to put and end to your misery. Once and for all"

At this point Lily was more conscious that James.She could hear his ragged breathing, and he was clearly in a lot of pain. They weren't going to make it out of here...

"James.." she said

"Lily, come here. Come here, Lily" and they cuddled as much as two bloody and hurt people can

* * *

"Look at them...so cute" said Snape as they watched in a monitor Lily and James forms. 

"Shut up!" hissed Alexis starting to get pissed by Snape's constant remarks.

"I see someone is upset" said Bellatrix as she got into the room and looked over at the couple.

"Bitch" whispered Alexis.

"He rather die with _her_ than live and be with you_" _said Bellatrix with and evil smirk on her handsome face.Alexis didn't answer and left the room fuming.

"I am having doubts" commented Bella sitting next to Snape "She is getting _attached" _

"That shall be no problem. He is a dead man" said Snape gladly. Knowing his worst enemy's life was definetely coming to an end tonight.

* * *

"Dumbledore" said Sirius bursting into the old's man office. In his office was Mad Eye Moody, Harold Potter, Gideon Prewett, Adam Thompson and Remus Lupin. 

"Sit down Sirius" said Dumbledore calmly.Sirius knew better than to disobey his old Headmaster so he did.

"We got a note" said Remus taking a parchment and handing it to Sirius.

_James and Lily are held captive by Voldemort. They are in a facility at the north of England. They don't have much time. _

"Who sent this?" asked Sirius confused.

"Obviously we don't know Black." Said Mad eye.

"We know the facility" said Mr. Potter

"And what are we doing here wasting time?" exclaimed Sirius angrilly.

"Calm down Sirius" said Mr. Potter sternly "Dumbledore"

"We were just waiting for you. All of you can part now" said Dumbledore.

"What about Peter?" asked Remus.

"Mr. Black is right we don't have time" explained Dumbledore.

"Has Alexis being informed?" asked Adam.

"I tried, but I couldn't find her" explained Remus

"Let's not waste any more time" said Mad Eye getting up, and all the gentlemen followed. "Gideon inform the ministry, and we'll meet at the apparition point we accorded"Gideon nodded and took some floo powder and dissappeared.

* * *

Lily had lost track of time, she didn't know if hours had passed since Voldemort left or maybe just minutes. She was too exhausted to think about it, James was sleeping, or at least that was she liked to think. He had closed his eyes for a while now. 

"Lily.." he asked softly, his voice hoarse from his screams.

"Yes" said Lily soothingly "It's me"

"I had the strangest dream that you were dead," he croaked, trying to raise himself into a sitting position.

"Lily we're not going --" James coughed up some blood and Lily stared in horror. "we're not going to make it out of here."

"Ssshh" whispered Lily.

"There's something I need you to know" said James, and he winced in pain as he tried to move closer.

"James.."

"In my life, there is only one person..." and he coughed some more blood.

"Don't do this" said Lily. She knew they were going to die, but hearing him say so and accept made it ten times harder.

"Look at me." demanded James.

"James..."No she didn't want to say goodbye.She wanted to live, she wanted _them _to live.And she heard a faint sound of steps.

"The only reason I pushed you away..."

"Please.."

"The only reason, I didn't know how to be around you..." and Lily let a soft moan escape her lips

"Lily...I love you, always have, always will"

"I know," Lily nodded and caressed his cheek "I love you too, I am yours heart, body and soul"

"They're coming.."said Lily the sounds of steps were louder.

"We'll find each other, We always do." James whispered and James kissed her as if his life depended on it. Lily kissed him back with the same passion, she didn't hold back this time.

**_All this feels strange and untrue  
_****_And I won't waste a minute without you_**

This was it.

_It was goodbye... _

The door opened.

* * *

**A/N: **Not a very long chapter. I know. I updated within a week!!! Hopefully it will become a habit... 

Special Thanks to potterchik, misscusine, sarafm, Ronnieharry, a-lonely-desire, Telemachos, whitephoenix33

LunaBella 006 : sorry sometimes I just think stuff and don't write it all. I'll try to fix it the chapters.

niiic smiles: Yes it used to be one of my favorite shows on tv, especially the first three seasons.

Packingcrates: Thanks?I guess...


	11. Our hopes & expectations

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. (Check chapter 1, 2 or 3) **

"_Lily...I love you, always have, always will"_

"_I know," Lily nodded and caressed his cheek "I love you too, I am yours heart, body and soul"_

"_They're coming.."said Lily the sounds of steps were louder._

"_We'll find each other, We always do." James whispered and James kissed her as if his life depended on it. Lily kissed him back with the same passion, she didn't hold back this time._

_This was it._

_It was goodbye... _

_The door opened._

**Chapter 11- Our hopes & expectations...black holes and revelations**

_I love you, I have loved you all along  
And I miss you, Been far away for far too long  
I keep dreamin you'll be with me, and you'd never go  
Stop breathing if , I don't see you anymore_

_(Far away-Nickelback)_

"Lily" gasped Danielle as she saw her best friend covered in blood and looking very pale. Adam was next ho her, helping her stand and support herself.

"Where's James?" she demanded.

"He's in the next room, he is unconscious."Remus explained as he emerged from the door "He's in bad shape, but he'll make it"

"Why didn't they take him to St. Mungos?" Lily demanded.

"It's too risky Lily" said a soft voice and she turned to look at her old Professor."He'll be fine. Don't worry, but now I need to have a word with you after Remus takes care of those wounds" Lily nodded, and Dumbledore left the room.

"Lily are you going to be okay?"asked Adam softly.Lily nodded, and Adam got up gave her a small smille and apparated.

As Remus began healing her, she sat there idly thinking about James and praying he was alright. Then her thoughts drifted to her daughter she knew she was safe, and she wanted to ask but Danielle was here and she couldn't deal with that yet.

Remus finished and gave her a potion that was supposed to diminish the pain. "Is there anything I can do?" asked Danielle worriedly breaking the silence.Remus left the room and went into Dumbledore's office.

"No, you should go home. You're pregnant after all" said Lily smiling.

"I know, I am just waiting for Sirius he had to go back to the ministry with the rest" she explained "He told me to be here, he doesn't want be to home by myself lately" After all that's happened thought Lily it's only logical.As Remus emerged from Dumbledore's office he gestured her and Lily stood up.

"I'll see you in a sec" she said smiling at Nelle.

She went into the office and closed the door behind her. This office was so much smaller than the one at Hogwarts and less invting.

"Lily, please take a sit" said Dumbledore warmly.Lily sat across him and though she had a lot of questions she decided to wait for him to talk.

"Lily Christina is safe, she's here with Natasha" Lily looked surprised and excited, she knew she was safe, but she never imagined her to be here, but what about Elizabeth. Dumebledore seemed to be thinking along the same lines because he continued to explain "Mrs.Danes is at New York, she has been informed of the situation and is waiting. As to why I brought Natasha, I knew she was the only one who knew of Christina, I didn't think it would be appropiate to tell anyone else."

"Can I see her?"finally Lily asked.

"Of course. She's your daughter, but first I need to tell you something, and it won't be easy the reason you don't remember anything is because I erased your memory"Dumbledore waited a moment to see her former student reaction. She was shocked so he decided to conitue "I did it, because you asked me to. I spoke to Alex earlier, so as he explained I tracked you down. I knew you were alive, and which was your current situation. So I sent you a letter and your replied it."

"No I didn't.."said Lily confused

"Yes you did, you replied and accepted my help. You decided it was going to be easier to hide without Alex, so you moved. And to make the communication more safe, I kept sending letters to Alex, and I sent Adam, that way Voldemort wouldn't get suspicious I knew where you were"

"I don't understand if I was going into hiding, then why you erased my memory" asked Lily confused with a hint of anger.

"We thought you were safe at first, but it didn't last long. Two weeks after you left Adam you were attacked again in your workplace, so you moved again, next to Mrs.Danes. You were low profile, you thought it over and over again, but truth is you were never safe. From the first moment I contacted you, I tried to convince you to come back to England, but it was until this moment that you agreed.So we made a plan. But the day of our supposed metting I received this note" he said handing her a piece of parchment

**Professor Dumbledore,**

**I am sorry, I know you were expecting us and instead you got this. You've been great to me and I'm grateful for that. But I can't go on with the plan we had agreed on. I know that even with my friends, James' dad, James himself; my daughter will never be completely safe, not really. Eventually Voldemort always finds out and everyone dies...**

**I already made a decision, I can't tell you but I need your help. Send a reply with a time and place**

**Lily**

"So we met and you were by yourself" said Dumbledore sadly

"_Professor" said Lily she looked very with bloodshot eyes. She had been crying._

"_Lily, what did you do?"asked Dumbledore _

"_She's gone, she's with a family. A real one, one that she would never get even if I returned to England. James is married and has a family of his own, and back in England everything is just so wrong, so dark. I don't want that life for her. But that's my life and I can't keep running from it." Said Lily in a dark tone, one Dumbledore had never heard her use_

"_So I've got a plan. I did some advanced research on spells that erase long term memory and short term. I don't quite well how it works, but somehow I was hoping you would" explained Lily._

"_Yes I do it's very ancient magic, I've studied them myself. There's only five known spells" said Dumbledore "But they haven't been performed in ages, they are very risky. You could even get kill if it doesn't work Lily. It takes very powerful magic..."_

"_I know from a very porweful wizard" said Lily knowingly to him. "I know the risks but I dont care. I want you to try to have my memories erased to keep Voldemort from ever coming close to Christina. I want to remove everything that's happened in the past two years, including the fact I was pregnant. Even if it kills me, better this way that at Voldemort's hand compromising my daughter's safety."_

"_Lily is there any way I can disuadate you?"asked Dumbledore as he saw the young woman speak with such determination and will._

"_No, my decision is final. Will you help me Professor?"she asked hopefully._

"_You leave no choice Lily" he said with a sad smile_

"_If it works, I mean if I come back and I don't remember, could you please do me a favor?"she said pacing.Dumbledore simply nodded._

"_Don't ever tell me about what I've been through" she pleaded sobbing quietly._

"...and so I didn't even tried to discourage you anymore, part of me thought besides Christina safety you wanted to forget the pain."

"But I didn't..." said Lily more to herself.

"We discussed the specifics and went over it several times..."

"_Lily have you thought about the rock where you will hold the memories." Asked Dumbledore_

"_Yes" she said standing up and going over her suitcase and taking out a velvet box, and her engamenent ring, she handed it to dumbledore." I think the diamond would do"_

"_Actually is a pretty good choice, do you want me to keep it, aftewards?"_

"_No, leave it on. I know I will probably get rid of it, when I come back. If I do..."_

"_Are you sure?"asked Dumbledore once again._

"_Yes it will be a reminder of James"said Lily absentmindly as if that explained it all._

"The ring?" I had the answers with me all this time"said Lily still in shock."You saw me all those times and yet you didn't tell me anything. You knew the great deal of pain I was in, the spell went wrong, I knew I was pregnant, I..."said Lily starting to raise her voice

"Three months ago you asked me not to tell you any of this.."said Dumbledore calmly.

"That was then, this was now I ASKED YOU!!"said Lily losing her composure "I asked you!!!And you knew all along, why didn't you tell me, why wait until know??!!"

"Because I saw you Lily" said Lily calmly "As much as I did not like your decision, I understood,I opted to let if go, but here were are. And you went straight for your daughter,when you nearly killed yourself trying to protect her"

"Why are you doing this??!!"yelled Lily

"The reason I am telling you this, is because you've got a decision to make, but you shouldn't make it like this."

"What do you mean?"asked Lily still angry

"You need to _know _what you went through"he explained "You need to feel and see for yourself, you have to gain your memory back" And he told her that there was a spell to make her remember everything. Lily accepted trusting on Dumbledore's judgement. "There's no point now, since you found your daughter anyways"

"It will be awfully painful Lily, and as it normally happens you won't remember the two years day by day" he explained. "After I perform it, you'll have memories come flooding back.It won't be the most pleasant experience"

"I understand" said Lily.

* * *

"How is he?"asked Sirius sitting next to Danielle who was sleeping 

"He's doing okay"said Remus tiredly.

"How many times we've been through this?" It was a rethorical question, Remus knew, how many times had one of them got injured and got them all waiting. They had all been trhough that, well except Peter, but nonetheless...

"Where is Lily?"Sirius asked as he stroked Nelle's silky hair.

"She is with Dumbledore"said Remus carefully, Sirius didn't know about the baby. Dumbledore had been very careful with that issue to make sure nobody found out. "Has she seen James yet?"he asked

"No, she hasn't although she was very worried. I think something happened when they were prisoners" said Remus "she seems changed"

"Really, moony sometimes you can't be thick. Of course something happened" said Sirius remembering the compromising position in which he had founf them. They were all over each other. "They kissed"

Remus didn't say nothing back, he understood. He knew what it was to lose the woman you loved. He couldn't even imagine if Jane came back...but no she wouldn't, she was dead. He had seen her body...

"We should see if he has woke up" said Remus standing up, and Sirius went after him into James' room.

"Hey" said James weakly.

"Prongs you scared us back there" said Sirius.

"I know, but I am okay. Where is Lily?"James asked, she wasn't as bad as him, but she was a little bit hurt too.

"She's fine, she with Dumbledore right now"said Remus "Alexis you should be here any minute now" Sirius turned to glare at Remus for bringing her up and James didn't look thrilled.

"I already made a decision" said James quietly, and both of his friends looked at him expectantly. "I am leaving Alexis"

Sirius smiled but Remus look at him sternly "Have you really though about it?"he asked. Lily as his friend too, but what he had just found might affect James' decision, especially if he wasn't totally convinced of it.

"Obviously he has" piped Sirius

"I...under the circumstances, I think is the best decision" said James.

"Under the circumstances?" asked Sirius confused "What do you mean, besides the fact you love each other"

"It's not just that.."James trailed off.

"Then you are doing it for the wrong reasons" said Remus "You're doing it because you feel you have to, but not because you really want to?"

"Are you implying I do not want Lily?"he asked starting to feel his temper raise.

"Look James I am not telling you to stay in a loveless marriage.."said Remus

"Because it's not" said James a little bit more loudly.

"James?"asked Sirius confused.

"I...it's not loveless, but.."said James starting to get confused again, he couldn't forget what had happened the past days, and how it all seemed so clear but right now...

"James there's something you should know" said Remus feeling awfully sorry but he didn't want James to hurt Lily again, to promise her something he couldn't give to her, not after he found out... " Just wait, before you make any decision, you have to talk to Alexis"

"What??!!Why?"asked Sirius outraged by his friend's behavior, how relentless he was to the prospect of James and Lily being together again.

"Shut up, Sirius. Just listen to her" Remus pleaded. Someone knocked the door " Come in" yelled James.

"Speaking of devil" said Sirius just above whisper, as Alexis made her way over to the bed.

"Sirius, Remus" she acknowledged. Sirius only nodded

"Alexis hello again" said Remus "We'll leave you now"

"Thank you"said James at last. Neither of them said a word, until they were gone and the door was closed.

"James" she said finally breaking into tears"I was so scared, I thought...I thought"she sobbed and James wrapped his around around her waist pulling her head against his chest "I thought about you and us without you..."

"Us?"asked James confused, and at this Alexis started sobbing harder, and couldn't say anything.

"James, sweetheart...I...I am pregnant" she stuttered, and drown herself into tears again. James felt a huge knot form inside his throath.

"Pregnant?"he asked

Alexis just nodded seeing the surprise in his eyes, she saw he believed it but didn't looke mad or upset, he was confused. She knew that he had been planning on leaving her and going back to the mudblood, since he had found he had a daughter. It was James' instinct of always doing the right thing. That's why he hadn't left her yet. She was the wife, and it was the right thing to do, stay. But now...

At first she thought she would feel more upset with the thought of James' leaving her, but no she had felt relieved specially after her situation changed. She was pregnant and she was sure as hell it wasn't James'. But her relief hadn't last long, not after Voldemort had specifically instructed her, the mission with James wasn't over. She was to keep him away of Lily.

On one hand, the prospect of having her child raised as a Potter, would ensure a bright future and would keep him safe, away from Voldemort. She was going to go all the way to keep James with her, even if that meant to stop seeing Snape.

James sat there thinking while he stroked Alexis hair. He was going to be a father, although he already was, but not even that could keep him away from Lily, back when they were prisoners the only thing that had kept them going was her, that was what had almost killed him two years go, but this time she had saved him.

No, he couldn't stay with Alexis, he didn't love her the way he loved Lily, there just wasn't a point of comparison.

"Alexis" said James softly "I can't..."

"What??!!"she asked looking perplexed

"Us, this, I can't, I am not happy, I haven't being for a while" said James "Of course I will take full responsability of our child, but I can't it isn't fair to you or me, I'm not happy, I thought I could be but..."

"This is about Lily?!! Isn't it?"Alexis cut him off

"No..."

"Don't you dare lie to me. If you're going to destroy my life, at least be honest. She's the reason you're leaving"

"Alexis, please.."

"No, James... I certainly do not deserve this" so her plan didn't work, but she wasn't going to let him go easily oh no "I tried to be patient, I understood your past with her, and what do you do??You go and cheat while I am sitting home hoping you would come back"

"I didn't cheat.." James felt like shit. She certainly didn't deserve this, but he wasn't going to make her happy, he couldn't not with Lily back.

"Since she was back, you regretted every single bloody minute, the fact you were married" said Alexis, and when James made no attempt to say nothing back, she burst into tears again and stood up leaving the room.

* * *

"James" someone whispered softly. "Come on wake up" and he heard a distant sob. It was Lily, she was here with him. "open your eyes, James" he heard the voice one more time. He opened his eyes to the most beautiful sight ever, Lily was sitting next to his bed but she wasn't alone in her arms she was holding Christina, who was sleeping. 

"Lily..."he said smiling.It had been almost four days, and finally she was here. There was so much he need to tell her.

"I know, we always will" she said sadly.And James noticed the change on her expression, he was sure,when he saw a tear fall down her face.

"What is wrong?"he asked concerned. He tried to sit up straight, without any results, since he was too weak still.

"I wanted to wait for you to wake up...so we could say goodbye"said Lily, she had already made a choice.

"What??!!You can't...not now...Lily, we..."said James desesperately, not after all they had gone through, he couldn't leave him, not again. "You can't leave"

"I have to" she whispered "I want you to understand..."

"NO!!!I can't and I won't understand, Lily I won't let you" he said determined. He would be a moron if he let her walk out of here.

"Don't make this harder than it already it is" said Lily crying silently."James I talked to Dumbledore..."Still it didn't make any sense to him what had he said, could maker her leave.

Lily knew it would be hard, but there was no other way, everything was too risky, this was the best decision, even if it didn't feel like it. No one said it was going to be easy after all

"I finally know the rest of it. I know what happened. I remember" and so she began telling him, what Dumbledore had said, how Dumbledore had done the counter spell , and she had her memory back... "..I am so sorry I didn't tell you James, but it killed me to see you with Alexis, to see that you had moved on. To see that you could live without me, you did it once, it won't be hard this time"

"Lily, what the.."

"Christina is going back with Elizabeth" said Lily firmly "They're moving, I don't know where to, how, and I don't want to. Dumbledore is taking care of that."

"And you decided it on your own?"said James getting angry

"Yes, it was my choice to make!!"she spat back

"She _is my_ daughter!!!"

"That you just met"said Lily bitterly

"Still,Lily you can't...I mean how can you just decide it all by yourself??!!!!"yelled James.

"Lower your voice"said Lily dangerously. "Beside there's nothing you can do about it. I came here so you could say goodbye" she said getting up her voice starting to quiver "but if you can't then I am leaving"

"No.."James pleaded grabbing her arm. "Lily, I am leaving Alexis, I...want my family back. You're my family, you have always been..."

"_I never felt like this like I could just be free, You let me be me, you feel like home" said Lily dreamily as they sat on the edge of the Great Lake._

"_You too. When I am with you,I feel like you see me completely for who I am. You are like a light I could stare for hours without blinking"_

"_How did I get so lucky?"Lily asked "Sometimes I wonder why you love me so much , I look at you and sometimes I feel like I will wake up and you will be just a figment of my imagination"_

"_That's crazy" said James looking at her " Do you not know how strong we are? How strong you are? How loving and beautiful inside and out? You're the most intelligent and smart witch in the whole school, you've got excellent grades, you help as much people as you can, you take care of me, make sure I eat and sleep, you listen to me and tell me when I am being an egoistical prat, help me when I hit a wall. You are there for all your friends, you are so independent and succesful in every single bloody thing you do. You help all your classmates, you are such a good daughter, and a really great, fun, amazing and unique girl. And you still think you aren't perfect and need to be more. Just being you is perfection"_

"_Wow" Lily was almost rendered speechless by his praise_

"_Wow, is right. Where did all that come from?" he said smiling at her blushing a little bit"Little intense"_

"_Just a little" James leaned over and kissed her long and hard_

"_This is real" he said looking in her eyes_

"_I know" Lily looked at him._

"_Do you?"_

_"Yeah, I do and maybe that is what make me think it's only a dream" she held his face in her hands " so it seems like we're stuck with each other"_

"_Forever"_

_They kissed, but it was different from every other time. Lily felt like she was melting into him, merging. She felt safe and solid and part of something that would grow and nurture her for the rest of her life. The kiss tattooed itself onto her and no other pair of lips would ever be a match_

"James, I love you, I love you too much. But I can't afford to get you killed...Because every bloody time we're together, bad things happen, awful things, and it won't stop." Said Lily "It's too late for me and you, but not for Christina" And looking at the little baby girl sleeping, James understood it was the right thing to do, she didn't deserve this life.

"Can I hold her?" he whispered. Lily nodded and handed him the peaceful and asleep baby. James stared at her, and started crying silently, he had never felt so vunerable and powerless and miserable at the same time.

"I love you" said James softly and kissed Christina's forehead. Lily watched this scene, and took a mental picture. She was never going to forget his very moment. Lily knew that no other man would fit her like James did. In a lifetime of forgettable men, James would always remain. Together or apart, she would never be free from him because in him she saw herself. They were each other's mirror, soul mates...

"Why are _you _leaving_?" _asked James after a long silence.Lily took the baby from his arms, placing her in the chair next to hers'

"I can't be here anymore" she said staring at him.

"Don't leave me. I love you so much" he whispered "You are the single most important thing to me"

"I know" Lily replied softly. "But I can't, it all seems too much..."a tear ran down her face and he brushed it away. "Don't cry. Just stay"

"I can't help it " she said wiping her face "Do you know how hard it is for me to love you?"

"I'm beggining to. I'm so sorry. I know I did so muche wrong things, if I could take it back..."

"You can't" said Lily numbly "Go back to her, she needs you...I know what it's like to be pregnant and alone.And I won't let you" but James seemed to completely ignore her remark, instead he looked at her without flinching

"The heart is infinite in its ability to love and overcome pretty much anything " He paused trying to get to her "The only way to move on and live your life is _to love and let love_" he pulled her closer, and kissed her slowly holding her the tightest he ever had. She could feel every inch of his body enevelop her , and soon their hearts were beating exactly in the same rhythm...

_I wanted  
I wanted you to stay  
'Cause I needed  
I need to hear you say  
I love you  
I have loved you all along  
And I forgive you  
For being away for far too long  
So keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore  
Believe it  
Hold on to me,and never let me go  
Keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore  
Believe it  
Hold on to me and, never let me go  
Keep breathing_

_  
(Far away-Nickelback)_

* * *

**A/N: **Don't hate me!!What do you think?? PLEASE REVIEW !!!! 

Special thanks Untamed Loner, I promised her to update this weekend, so you can thank her too.

Also to the people who reviewed last chapter, you keep me writting guyz, so please keep reviewing...Tell me what you think, or if something isn't clear...just ask

Ivy

p.s. I think my beta gave up on my stoty, so I might be needing a new one.Anyone? please say so...


	12. Trust me

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. (Check chapter 1, 2 or 3) **

"_Don't leave me. I love you so much" he whispered "You are the single most important thing to me, ever"_

"_I know" Lily replied softly. "But I can't, it all seems too much..."a tear ran down her face and he brushed it away. "Don't cry. Just stay"_

"_I can't help it " she said wiping her face "Do you know how hard it is for me to love you?"_

"_I'm beggining to. I'm so sorry. I know I do all the wrong things, if I could take it back..."_

"_You can't" said Lily numbly "Go back to her, she needs you...I know what it's like to be pregnant and I won't let you"_

"_The heart is infinite in its ability to love and overcome pretty much anything. The only way to move on and live your life is to love and let love" said James and he pulled her closer, and kissed her slowly holding her the tightest he ever had. She could feel every inch of his body enevelop her and soon their hearts were beating exactly in the same rhythm..._

**Chapter 12- Trust me**

_Don't you see it's you and me against the world  
'cause we're in this together,  
You and me  
One on one forever_

_(In this together-Apotygma Berzek)_

In that heartbeat everything seemed to fade away. The pain, the regrets, the sadness, the anger and the sorrow. Love was overpowering their rationality, their fears, their expectations...

"_What's the worst thing you have ever done?" asked James as he took a sip of his beer._

"_Why do you want to know? I am not so sure if I should tell you…."laughed Lily_

"_Lils, I love you. Nothing you say will ever change that. I want to know everything about you"_

_Lily sputtered out the butterbeer she just had drank "What did you just say?"_

"_That I want to know everything about you, because I love you" said James looking at her straight in the eyes, no hint of mock or laugh in his handsome face._

"Really?"

"_Yeah really" he said with humour in his eyes._

"_Wow" she said smiling widely "I think I love you too" and she leaned over and kissed him._

"_You think?" he asked in mock horror. Lily looked at him and smiled "I know I love you" and she kissed him again_

In that moment she forgave him, for getting married. He forgave her for not telling him and wanting to leave.

"_James watch out" yelled Lily as she gazed at the death eater behind him raising his wand pointing it to James._

"_Avada Kedavra" and a green jet of light emerged from Lily's wand, hitting the death eater right in the chest._

_Lily fell to her knees and dropped her wand, she was just seventeen and had killed a man, to save the one she loved._

"_Lily are you okay?" asked James embracing her as hard as he could._

"_I am now" she said wrapping her arms around him tightly._

They realized they would rather die together, than live apart. Because even if they had problems or got hurt, at the end of the day they had each other, they found each other, they loved each other, and it was all worthwhile…..

* * *

"Is she still in with James?" asked Remus. Natasha merely nodded with a wary smile, Remus sat next to her. "She is leaving ..."

"I know" Remus wrapped an arm around her.

"Sometimes I feel like a lifetime has gone by "Natasha whispered "but at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday we left Hogwarts and we were young and stupid."

"Yes it does" assured Remus, stroking her hair, and holding the girl closely. "Although Lindsay and Danielle would be offended if you tell them they're old. And Sirius is still stupid" he said more lightly.

She, like him were victims in this war, they both had suffered the death of their parents, Jane's, Lily's fake one, the attacks, friends getting hurt and they knew it wouldn't stop any time soon.

"More stupid then" said Tash smiling lightly and resting her head in his shoulder. They decided to keep each other company silently, and wait for their best friends to emerge. Until they were startled by a mesmerizing light coming under the door of James' room.

Remus got up and took his wand out. Natasha followed closely. They walked to the door and when Remus turned the handle and opened it. He found something incredible happening.

James and Lily were kissing and glowing, literally glowing. Some kind energy was enveloping them, and pouring out powerful bright silvery rays of light. Probably magic, Remus could sense it. It was powerful one too, it was love…

Both of them had their eyes closed oblivious to the amazing and breathtaking moment or their friend's presence.

"Remus…"whispered Natasha with a hint of fear in her voice.

"It's okay" he whispered back and grabbed Natasha's hand.

Suddenly the light turned brighter blinding Remus and Natasha, and making it impossible to see the couple anymore, and in one second it was all gone. When they were able to see James and Lily again, they were apart, both breathing heavily and looking at each other lovingly and mesmerized at the same time. All their bruises, wounds and scars were gone.

They were healed……completely healed.

"Lily, James?"asked Natasha unsure of what had just happened. Lily smiled brightly for the first time, and took Christina in her arms again "We're staying"

"You are???"asked James not believing how lucky he was.

"You and Christina?"asked Natasha

"You are not leaving then" said Remus smiling

"No we're definitely not leaving" she said looking at James adoringly

* * *

"Miss Evans, Mr. Potter" Dumbledore greeted the two young adults as they sat in front of him. "I believe you might want to know what happened at the headquarters. I am sure your friends have told you what they witnessed, and what they believe it to be."

"Magic" said James

"But not any kind of magic James. Love magic." said Dumbledore putting and end to their speculations

"Love magic?" asked Lily incredously.

"Yes Lily, you've read about it" said Dumbledore knowingly, and James turned to look at her surprised.

"I know, I just didn't thought _I**…**_" said Lily and looking at James "or _we_ could conjure it just like _that_. Especially that kind of magic"

"Well you can, three years ago when I called you, after the first time you faced Voldemort, I explained the magic within yourselves was very powerful and how if you worked _together _it could be unstoppable. Which brings me to the next issue: Christina." He paused and pushed his glasses up. "After what happened we might guess why Voldemort wants to get a hold of her."

"But she is just a baby" said James rising his voice "She is not a threat"

"Not a threat but perhaps an instrument" said Dumbledore carefully."We can only speculate, for all we know, we could be wrong"

"But Christina's safety is at high risk" said James resigning . "We know that"

"You could go into hiding" suggested Dumbledore "There's a spell…" but Lily cut him off "No hiding, no running away."

"We talked about it" explained James "At least we decided not now."

"Then what have you decided?" inquired their old headmaster.

"To stay, and live and if possible be happy"said Lily smiling at James and squeezing his hand.

"I think that's a good idea, but I ask you to consider your options" Dumbledore insisted, trying not to push it.

"We'll keep that on mind" said James.

"There's one more thing I would like to know. Lily will you continue to be an auror?"asked Dumbledore.

"I haven't decided yet…"said Lily nervously, in this brief meeting with Dumbledore she realized she and James had so much to decide, they had no plan, no nothing. For Merlin's sake James was married, there was his pregnant wife to deal with…

She hadn't thought this through…….

Well she she had and that's why she had decided to leave. It was just too complicated….

"Okay I see you have many _things _to talk through still" said Dumbledore noticing Lily become pale. He got up "I'll schedule an order meeting for next week, I hope to see you both privately afterwards".

Lily only nodded weakly and stood up to shake Dumbledore's hand and made quick exit, not waiting for James.

* * *

"What was I thinking??!!!"yelled Lily exasperated pacing through her apartment.

"Calm down, please" said Natasha bringing a tray with two cups of tea.

"He is married and Alexis is expecting…How ??How, how is this going to work?? I Just can't. And Christina, is just a baby she needs her father, she needs a family a stable home, something I can't provide. Something _we_ can't give her."

"Lily please just sit down and try not to panic" Natasha took Lily's hands. "It's going to be okay, you and Christina will be okay"

"No we won't. And I have to tell my parents and his parents, and Nelle and Sirius and Lindsay and Peter and it's going to be all over the Prophet and Voldemort will find us and I …."Lily stopped she was going to say and I will die,

"You're home it's different now" tried Natasha, she was worried to for her friend's sake and her daughter and unfortunately Lily was right to some extent.

"I know…"she said trying to push her insecurities away. "You have to calm down before James and the girl come back. She shouldn't see you like this."

"See I'm a terrible mother"

"Stop it. Now when they're back I'll take her over to my date with Remus, and you two will have all night to talk"

"Thanks you, Tash." Said Lily relaxing a little bit "I….she'll spoil your date"

"We were just going to have some coffee anyway. And I am positively sure he won't even mind" said Natasha. "Now let's wipe up some dinner"

* * *

"Who's there!?!"Adam was completely dark and he couldn't see a damn thing.

"Adam, it's me"said Alexis turning on the before Adam could say anything, Alexis busrt into tears.

"Lex, what's wrong?"looking at her "What is it?"

"I….I….Adam.."Alexis choked on her tongue and tears.

"Shush, come on, let's go sit down."Adam led Alexis to the sofa in the living room, "Let me get you some water first."Aleixs only nodded.

Adam returned to his sister and handed her a glass. Alexis sat up and choked down a few sips. She wiped her face on her sleeve and drank a bit more.

"Lex, what happened?"Adam asked

"It's over"

"What is?"

"James"Alexis took another sip, and lifted her head up to her brother, she watched concern begin to crinkle on Adam's brow.

"I thought you were okay, I thought …"

"I thought so too… he fucked up"Alexis' eyes brimmed with tears "It's all ruined. It's…."crying harder "over."

* * *

"Lily, what's wrong?" asked James, as he sat in the kitchen stool. Lily was finishing up dinner.

"We need to talk"

"I know, it seemed pretty clear when Tash took our daughter to her date" said James trying to lighten the mood.

"James" she said turning off the stove and turning to face him "What are we going to do??"

"We discussed that already" said James "I'm getting a divorce, we would move in together and raise Christina, and I would fulfill my responsibility with Alexis and our child. You agreed"

"I know I did, but now…"

"You love me, don't you?"

"You know I do"

"Then that's all that matters. You need to trust me as I trust you. It's you and me babe, it's always been you and me."

"Is it?" asked Lily. James entered the kitchen and cupped her chin

"Yes all along. Since I first laid eyes on you" whispered James making Lily shiver. "You're mine"

"So we're in this together" repeated Lily trying to convince herself.

"You won't be alone ever again. I promise" taking her right hand and bringing it to his mouth, he kissed her knuckles. Lily who had still been resisting James' gestures gave in in that moment. She was aware of the danger of the vulnerability she was exposing herself to but it was done, there was no way back now.

This was their second chance to fill their souls with new memories, mistakes and magic.

* * *

"Yeah it would've been totally weird to share the same bed with Lily that I shared with Alexis" explained James.

"I don't mean to pry, but you slept with her already?" Sirius, levitating some of the boxes of James bedroom.

"No, but we are moving in together" said James exasperated, pointing to the mess

"So you are back together for real?"

"Yes Padfoot, I am not kidding" laughed James at his friend's grin. A crack was heard, and then another and soon Remus and Peter were in the doorway joining James and Sirius.

"Glad you could make it" said Sirius glaring at Remus.

"Why is he glaring at me ?" asked Remus passing Sirius and hugging James.

"He's pissed off" laughed James "That you get to be the godfather of Christina"

"Come on Padfoot, it was Lily's pick" laughed Peter "Besides I'm sure they'll have plenty of children"

"I don't care, I was best man. "James winced and Remus looked at Sirius knowingly "I mean I was going to be with Lily too…. whatever you all know what I mean"

"Why don't we all finish here, so we can take all this to Lily's and then go back to your place Sirius, for the lovely dinner the girls planned" said Remus trying to avoid certain unpleasant issues to James.

"Yes you can complain with Lily then" suggested Peter.

* * *

"She is beautiful" said Lindsay as she took the baby in her arms, "Just like her mother" said Tash.

"I'm so happy for you" exclaimed Nelle taking some candles to put in the dining room.

"Thank you for doing all this for us" said Lily smiling at her friend. "I thought you would be mad at me…"

"Nonsense, I understand. Probably you did good on not telling me, it would've stressed me to no end and would've been no good for the baby".´

"So are you and Sirius really waiting until you give birth?"asked Lindsay.

"Yes, we thought we had already waited this long, a couple of months can't hurt. Beside I want my body back and a normal dress."Lily patted Nelle's prominent belly and laughed.

"It's going to be hard" Lindsay teased.

"Lils were you this big?" asked Nelle. Lily stopped laughing and turned serious.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to…"said Nelle

"It's okay." Said Lily, she half smiled " I was just like you when I gave birth. Hope fully you'll make to the nineth month" When none of the girls said anything, Lily smiled again. She appreciated her friend's concern, it meant a lot to her, but she was moving on. Because this time she had her daughter and James with her "I'm okay really"

"I'm sorry" said Nelle

"There's nothing to be sorry for, just the fact that we haven't finished dinner"said Lily brightly, and her friends relaxed.

* * *

"She loves you" said Lily amused as she watched James play with Christina in the sofa, from the kitchen.

"I love her" said James kissing the girl's forehead. "Fell in love with her the first moment I saw her"

"Where have I heard that before?" said Lily grinning ""I hate to stop the fun, but it's bedtime" She walked into the living room with a bottle of milk.

"You are no fun" whined James, stealing the bottle.

"Well that's my job" putting her hands in her hips.

"Parenting definitely suits you" grinned James, feeding Christina.

"It's not doing you any bad either "Lily replied sitting next to him,

"And this is only the start" said James watching adoringly as Christina began to close her eyes.

"The start" said Lily wiping of a curl from the Christina forehead, and resting her hand in James forearm

* * *


End file.
